Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

“So you say you caught these ‘aliens’ in the middle of cutting a crop circle into your barley field,” the detective inspector said.

“Yup.” said the farmer.

“And your response to this intergalactic invasion was not to contact the proper authorities,” said his detective sergeant, “but to invite these extraterrestrials to tea.”

“Yup,” said the farmer.

“Tell me, how did you even know they would understand you, or know what tea was?” the detective inspector added.

“Well now, don’t know that I rightly did, but I says to myself: Nigel, if these ‘ere aliens has solved the massive problems of energy, mass, an’ relativity inherent in travelin’ twixt the stars, well, they ought to be able to understand the King’s own an’ know when they’s asked in for a cuppa, eh? Translating’s the easy part, guv, it’s the crossin’ o’ millions o’ miles that’s hard.”

“And that, in your own words, is why you now have a farm field covered with tiny triangular cups of tea?” said the detective sergeant.

“Yup,” said the farmer. “An’ I’m stickin’ to that.”

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“Fallen horizon.”

“I beg your pardon?”

“That’s what we call them. Planets that used to support a thick atmosphere and life, but have had that atmosphere stripped away, leaving nothing but a tomb world.”

“It’s not really accurate, is it?”

“No, but it’s poetic.”

“Is poetry really the correct response, looking across such a world?”

“I can think of none better.”

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“Hmph.”

Mark looked up, the mushrooms for his salad still in hand. “Something funny about my salad?”

“Cannibal,” said Eggers.

Mark sighed. “You gonna unpack that for me, Eggers, or can I finish my lunch in peace?”

“The fungal kingdom is more closely related to you, sitting there right now, than it is to plants. So, therefore: cannibal. Even if vegetarian; cannibal.” Eggers seemed to find this utterly hilarious, as he struggled to contain a crooked grin.”

“And I’m sure you eat nothing but dewdrops and the energy of the universe,” Mark said. “At least fungi can make something useful of a wothless-ass perp like you, Eggers.”

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“He was quite agitated when he came in,” Dr. Cherry said. “We administered 200ccs of prisencolinensinainciusol, and that has calmed him significantly.” “200ccs of what?” Ellie said. “Oh, uh, you’d know it better as Prisencol HCL,” said Cherry. “Very mild sedative with some anti-psychotic properties in most cases.” “Your doctor says you were shouting about something,” Ellie said. “About knowing who killed your friend Stephens. Is that right, Nayt? Did you see who killed him?” “Plains of stardust and purple flowers,” said Nayt. “Pixel friends and mushroom powers.” Ellie looked at Cherry. “Is that a side effect of your happy pills, doctor?” “It, uh, it shouldn’t be.” “Is he another schizophrenic?” “Nayt? No, he’s manic-depressive with associated ADHD hyperfixation and OCD,” Cherry said, looking worried. “Normally he is quite coherent.”

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“Skull Forest.”

“That’s the human name for it. What do the gobs call it?”

“Yepena Rec, which translates as Forest of Skulls.”

“Hmph. I bet the elves have a better name for it.”

“They know it as Gaidos Paviwv meaning–you guessed it–Skull Forest.”

“I’ll bite. Why the grim names in so many languages?”

“It’s one of the last places that ogres could be found while they were being wiped out. After the great battle on the moors, when the king’s men caught the ogrish women and children in the open and cut them to ribbons, the ogre warriors came to this forest, sat down, and starved to death. You can still see their skulls and skeletons if you know where to look, since ogrebone doesn’t disarticulate or rot. And of course a good idea is a good idea, so even after the ogres were extinct, all sorts of other folks came to the forest to do the same, to end their lives with what they thought was a little dignity.”

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We, however, preferred to huddle in the dark carnival caves, surrounding ourselves with the sights and sounds of a world that was both familiar and terrifying, inviting and cold. Dark grays and bright reds, somber oranges and shining whites. The shade of pancake makeup, of false noses, of painted-on lips, or too-big shoes. Inwardly turned, outwardly focused, and all set to a calliope that only we could hear.

Some called us mad, but in time we found other like minds and the dark carnival caves have never been more populated, more alive.

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“Bin yank am bell zoo bathe wrath, Actor,” Stephens said. “Be bide bit bills big, bunk be bag wax ad bat.”

Dr. Cherry looked at the others, shrugging helplessly. “You see what I mean?”

“Ant fort of jeweled pastry,” Stephens continued, becoming visibly more animated, “there is a tiny ant fort!”

“If he saw who killed who Suzette, he’s not capable of communicating who it is,” Dr. Cherry said. “At least not right now.”

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“I want to go back to the forest of feather trees and shimmer lights,” Maddie said.

“The Cambrian diorama again?” Nic said. “Were were just there.”

“I wanna see the feather trees. I wanna see the shimmer lights. I wanna see the funny bugs.”

Nic looked to Shanika, helplessly.

“Okay, sweetie,” her mother said. “We’ll go to the funny bugs one more time, but then we want to see something else, okay? Like maybe some live animals, or cool skeletons?”

“Feather trees.” Maddie said, grumpily folding her arms. “Funny bugs.”

Her parents obligingly turned the stroller around and wheeled it back into the Cambrian Hall. There, they were surrounded by fiberglass replicas of bizarre, alien life from half a billion years ago, fancifully lit.

“Hello, hello, hello!” Maddie said, waving to the various creatures. “Hello, feather tree. Hello funny bug.”

“What does she see in all this, Nika?” Nic muttered.

“When I was her age, I made my parents take me to the New York Public Libraries rare book room,” Shanika said. “Kids are weird. At least she’ll probably be smart?”

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“Welcome to your EnviroPod Hospitality Space™,” the chipper, synthesized voice said, the trademark symbol after the term all but pronounced openly. “We here at EnviroPod LLC GmbH strive to fulfill your every need.”

“I’d like to go outside,” Dominic said.

“Are you sure?” The voice of the Pod was still very upbeat. “The EnviroPod Hospitality Space™ is the most comfortable, state-of-the-art six meter by four meter modular space on the market today.”

“Is there a balcony I’m not seeing?” Dominic asked. “Or a window?”

“Only on the deluxe EnviroPod Hospitality Space™ Pro model, or as a free upgrade for subscribers to EnviroPod Hospitality Space™ Plus.”

“Then I’d like to go outside,” Dominic said.

“Apologies,” said the Pod. “The door is not currently operational. Maintenance has been notified.”

Dominic ran his hand over the smooth wall near the bathroom, where a door might have been on a comparably sized hotel room. “Are you sure the door is currently installed?” he said.

“Maintenance has been notified.”

“All right then.” Dominic tapped the flat screen mounted across from the bed. “Put on a live feed of the outside.”

“Apologies,” said the Pod. “Camera feed is not currently operational. Maintenance has been notified.”

“Put on a nature show, then.”

“Apologies,” the Pod said again. “The entertainment system is not currently operational. Maintenance has been notified.”

“What is operational, then?” Dominic snapped.

“Delicious EnviroPod Rehydrated Meals are available from the delivery chute. EnviroPod Laundry is working at full capacity; simply place your garments in the laundry chute and they will be returned cleaned and pressed.”

“How about a maid? Turndown service?”

A pause. “Apologies. The maid system is not currently operational. Maintenance has been notified.”

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Needles of obsidian and frozen squalls
The pain of cold amid these frozen halls
Lay down your warmth and go to sleep
Forever our frozen plaything to keep
The cruel light bleaches, rots and thaws
Scattered bodies in a scavenger’s jaws
Lay down your life here in the snow
Eternal oblivion is yours to know
Preserved forever, ’til the planet fails
No time for sorrow, no room for wails

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