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October 6, 2011

From “Iotherne and the Prefect” by Percy H. Lisal

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From a series of clay tablets found in the ruins of a sacked and burned Roman settlement in northern Dacia.

As the local prefect, it was my civic duty to preserve the veneration of the gods and the deified Imperial luminaries. Ordinarily, the emergence of a local cult would have been of no concern, but devotees of this “Iotherne” claimed that their goddess had subsumed our deified ancestors to gain their knowledge and prowess, and that she would soon arrive to purge Rome from the borders of the land.

This led her followers to begin stockpiling weapons and desecrating temples, in addition to making them a direct threat to the hegemony of the empire. I’ve made preparations to have my men enter the nearby settlements and detain or execute anyone who venerates an idol of Iotherne that we have captured. I expect the operation to proceed smoothly, and

Text ends here abruptly

 

October 5, 2011

From “The October Solution” by James A. K. Smithe

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The revels at court went on long into the night. When his guards attempted to wake him, however, they found King Francis III unresponsive. Over the course of the evening he had been stabbed through the heart with a miniature stiletto which had blended in with his festive clothing, worn thick against the October chill.

The event caused an uproar, with courtiers scrambling over one another–many still bleary from the night before–to implicate enemies and exonerate themselves. Matters were made worse by the uncertainty of succession; Francis III was only betrothed, not yet married, and had no brothers or uncles, and had in fact been a compromise between two other claimants. It fell to the captain of the guard, a man not a generation removed from low birth, to decide the next step.

His solution was to execute every courtier, noble, guard, and page in the room with Francis III when he died.

 

October 4, 2011

From “Tesuipp’s Delirium” by Rodney Archer Cullenston

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“The first was Mr. Tesuipp, in 1880. He emerged from the desert near Alice Springs, laden with gold dust and claimed that he’d found a rich vein. He was delirious, though, and the notes and maps found on his body were rambling and indecipherable. The authorities were able to confirm that he’d headed north from Melbourne intent on mining alluvial gold in the Arltunga, but little else.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that bloody story before.”

“And what about Roy Blakeslee, who was prospecting the same general area two decades later and wandered into a telegraph station, delirious and dying, with nearly twenty kilos of gold-laced quartz on his body? Or Sarah Chalmsford-Ennis, who disappeared on a hiking trip in ’87 and somehow came out of the desert with a hunk of lapis lazuli? They couldn’t get an intelligible word out of her before she slipped into a coma and they pulled the plug. There are half a dozen more stories we could link to it.”

“You’re saying they all found the same motherlode?”

“I’m saying it’s possible.”

“And I’m saying it killed them to a one. Maybe that ought to be taken as a sign.”

 

October 2, 2011

From “The Ragin’ Croatian of the Mathematics Department” by Thomas M. Brulic

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Stjepan Pečenić, originally from the city of Split in Dalmatia, came to Southern Michigan University in 1981 to teach mathematics. Dr. Pečenić claimed that the Yugoslav government had been persecuting him for his political beliefs; that argument got him asylum, but word had it that was just a glossy cover story. Dr. Cvijić in Engineering was particularly outspoken in her claim (inherited from her father) that Pečenić had been forced to flee after the death of his patron, Tito, and that he’s been a loyal party man until power struggles had forced him out.

In the mathematics department and among his students, Pečenić was known as the “Ragin’ Croatian” for his heavily accented outbursts in which he would rail semi-intelligibly against everything from the laziness of his students to the lack of creativity in his peers to the administration’s short-sighted reluctance to raise his salary. Most students hoped they didn’t get him, and Pečenić was happy to oblige, preferring research to teaching.

That said, nobody was quite expecting to find him face-down on his desk one Monday morning with a particularly difficult set of linear equations soaking up his lifeblood. He’d been shot in the temple at close range.

 

October 1, 2011

From “The Trenches of the Cola Wars” by Aaron D. Gardenner

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The Great Southeast Bottling Company eventually became known simply as GSBC. It was still a Moxi-Cola franchisee, but in the 1990’s it had aggressively tried to expand its own range of soft drinks to keep more profit in-house instead of frittering away to Kentucky.

GSBC had started with a discount cola, AtlantiCola, distributed primarily to big-box retailers on the coast. It had sold well enough that an entire line of flavored AtlantiColas had been built up, with the fruit-flavored varieties becoming popular in large cities like Atlanta and outselling even the Moxi-Cola GSBC distributed. That lasted until rumors–some believed spread by competitors–that AtlantiCola was competitively priced because it caused impotence. The rumors initially spread by word of mouth in Spanish-speaking neighborhoods, and by the time GSBC execs were aware of the problem, sales had plummeted 98%. The entire AtlantiCola line was pulled not long after.

Under its new Cola Coast imprint, GSBC tried to rebound. They produced a clear cola at the tail end of the craze, followed by an unpopular strawberry drink. Their vanilla-flavored Cola Coast Fountain line was popular only with competitors’ executives, and was swamped in the vanilla cola wave of the early 2000’s. By the time Gerard signed on, GSBC was living from paycheck to paycheck on distributed Moxi-Cola and a potpourri of their own brands with less than $2 million in annual sales.

 

September 30, 2011

From “Greeble and Josh” by Eliza Lillian Neal

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By all accounts, Charles Balm was a lifelong student of film. He moved to California at 16, leaving behind his native Kentucky to stay with relatives and enroll in a community college at graduation with hopes of transferring to USC. “USC wasn’t really interested in someone like me,” he remarked during a 2004 interview. “I didn’t have family connections or money, my grades in every subject except English and Programming were mediocre, and I contributed exactly zero to campus diversity.”

Balm was able to gain admission to California State, but found his ambitions difficult to realize in the hypercompetitive film program. While waiting during the summer of 2002 for word from a studio internship program, Balm began dabbling with animation and posted a short film featuring Greeble, a loudmouthed and outspoken aardvark, and his dimwitted yet good-hearted roommate Josh. The first “Greeble and Josh” web cartoons attracted a small audience to Balm’s student web space, but after a change in format that solicited videos from fans (with Greeble and Josh adding commentary and performing interstitial skits) the site took off.

In less than a year, “Greeble and Josh” had its own domain and had broken into the Alexa top 100. The cartoons remained ad-free, but Balm’s graphic designer girlfriend created merchandise that was widely sold online and at independent book and comic stores. “It was a runaway success,” Balm noted in a 2005 appearance on KCAL, “I’ve won a few Webbys, which has made it tough for even USC to ignore me.” “Greeble and Josh” merchandise appeared on Iraqi bases, in orbit, and even a 30-minute TV special which aired in 2006. That special, and the Nintendo game that followed, represented the high water mark of “Greeble and Josh.”

On January 17, 2007, Charles Balm released his last “Greeble and Josh” cartoon. A message went up a few months later that the site was going on a short hiatus; no further updates were ever released. Fans keep a mirror of the site online, and “Greeble and Josh” merchandise quickly became collector’s items after the domain name for the site store lapsed in 2009. When a crew from KSCI tracked him down in the fall of 2009, a visibly relaxed Balm claimed that he had a film project in the works, and that he was enrolled in the USC film school under an alias. “‘Greeble and Josh’ was a means to an end, and it’s in my past,” he said.

Fans speculate that the “C. B. Smithy” credited as writer and director of the 2010 film “Love’s Last Gasp,” was actually Charles Balm. The film was barely released in theaters and prints have become difficult to find; the distributors refuse to comment on the identity of C. B. Smithy, other than to confirm that the film did not break even and led to a substantial loss for all parties involved.

 

September 29, 2011

From “The Forgotten Emperors” by R. Martha Oakgrove

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During the Crisis of the Third Century, when 25 emperors ruled in a span of 50 years, the only qualifications for the purple seemed to be legions and the money to pay them. Such was the case with Caesar Marcus Aurelius Illyrius Augustus, better known to his contemporaries as simply Illyrius, who ruled the Empire from 280-283.

Illyrius came to power in the typical way, by bribing Emperor Probus’ men to assassinate him. A cavalry commander, he was from a long line of Dalmatian nobility who claimed ancestry from the mythical Illyrius spoken of in the myths.

As such, Illyrius began an ambitious program to emulate his idol, Augustus, by simultaneously consolidating power and burnishing the facade of a constitutional ruler advised by the Senate. Senators saw their number and pay increased; coins showed Illyrius in simple Senaate robes, and thousands were put to death for the new crime of seditionem imperium against the princeps.

The most curious thing about Illyrius was his fate: despite being arguably no better or no worse than his predecessors, when he was assassinated by Carus in August 283 the Senate took the unprecedented step of declaring that it was the Emperor Probus who had been killed, implying that he had reigned uninterrupted. This particularly insidious form of damnatio memoriae ensured that Illyrius was left off most lists of Emperors even to this day.

When Carus died of a lightning strike less than a year into his reign, some felt it divine retribution.

 

September 28, 2011

From “Of the Vyaeh” by Bernard S. Roberts

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The lowest rank in the Vyaeh military is that of Initiate, signified by teal combat armor. Initiates are expected to prove themselves in battle virtually unprotected before advancing to the next rank. As such, their battle armor provides virtually no protection or vacuum survivability. The ceremonial halberd weapon they carry is a modern variation on a tradition Vyaeh symbol of martial prowess, and is effective as a club, delivering a powerful electric shock.

Once a Vyaeh Initiate has proved themselves in melee battle with a foe, they are granted the magenta armor of an Adept. Providing significantly more protection than Initate armor, Adept armor is also powered, allowing the warriors to put more force into each blow. Once an Adept has proven themselves with this improved protection, they may move to the next rank.

After fighting in close quarters as an Adept, Vyaeh soldiers may become Journeymen and are granted access to improved weaponry. Their halberd, while apparently identical to an Initiate’s, is actually capable of firing energy projectiles not unlike the discharge from a fission pulse. Journeymen are granted no additional protection; they simply exchange the magenta armor of an Adept for yellow.

For most Vyaeh warriors, the rank of full Warrior, signified by azure armor, is the last step toward reassignment in another arm of the military and access to better equipment. The armor they wear is comparable to that of armored troops in ballistics protection, though it still offers no vacuum capability. Their staff, like that of the Journeyman, can fire projectiles, but is configured to fire multiple shots at once, with a reduced cooldown time between shots. Once they have proven themselves as Warriors, Vyaeh are often reassigned as Assault Troopers, officer candidates, or Hunter-Killers in training.

Some Warriors so distinguish themselves in their craft that they are asked to remain Warriors rather than accept promotion. These Honored Warriors gain special titles and privileges, and serve as leaders and guides to large formations of less experienced troops. Their armor is lovingly handcrafted to serve as the ultimate protection against enemy fire, and their halberds can fire faster, further, and more accurately than most weapons on the Vyaeh arsenal.

 

September 27, 2011

From “A Series of Surreal Mammals” by Levi Paris Schroeder

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Quantum Marmoset
Mustempus peregrinationis

This relative of the common marmoset lives its life in a nonlinear fashion. To the observer they appear to fade in and out at random intervals during their 8-10 year lifespan, but from the perspective of the marmoset it is living its life in a straight line with surroundings that randomly jump about. Exceedingly rare, as the likelihood of any two marmosets of breeding age in the same area at the same time is vanishingly small.

“Natives in Brazil’s Rio Grande do Norte state will try and lasso a quantum marmoset when they find one. If done correctly, they will be taken with during the next nonlinear tree swing. Tradition holds that if the passenger goes back in time and prevents themselves from lassoing the marmoset, the universe will cease to exist.” – Dr. Phineas Phable

Hammer’s Space Wallaby
Malleuspatium desultor

Named after Hammer’s Space, the ranch where it was discovered in Australia’s Northern Territories, the Hammer’s Space wallaby differs from ordinary wallabies in that its pouch has infinite capacity through a link to an interdimensional space. The wallaby will often store items that strike its fancy in its infinite pouch, and will throw them at pursuers or competing wallabies. Joeys enter the pouch from the interdimensional space; the exact method by which the wallabies reproduce is unknown but of extreme interest to particle physicists.

“The pouch is too small to fit a human, but settlers have been known to go ‘wallaby fishing’ by catching a Hammer’s Space wallaby and pulling items from its pouch; occasionally valuable items like gold and jewels are found. One witness describes a Hammer’s Space wallaby evading pursuers by throwing a wooden mallet, an airplane propeller, the left wheel of a 1930 Holden sedan, and a human tibia at them.” – Dr. Phineas Phable

Sigh Bat
Vespertilio suspiransugere

The sigh bat is related to the vampire bat, but unlike its more famous relative it subsists on the sighs of the brokenhearted rather than blood. It has evolved a number of abilities that allow it to generate brokenhearted sighs in generally happy times, from mimicking human voices and penmanship to excreting a compound that resembles lipstick that they smear on collars and napkins.

“If for all your indiscretions
a sigh bat ye’ve blamed
Beware that thru ye inhibitions
a sigh bat ye’ve not gain’d.” – Traditional

 

September 26, 2011

From “The Loading Dock Detective” by Aimee Courtniee Everett

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The easy chumminess of the Web 2.0 social media Millenial me generation world had utterly spoiled Blake. She was used to learning the bare minimum of personal information about someone, looking them up online, and learning everything from their taste in music to their relationship status to shoe size.

That’s why Renny (or was it Rennie?) in the loading dock was such a pain.

Blake saw him every few days when they brought in a new shipment. They chatted, though it was mostly Blake talking and trying not to get caught admiring the finer parts of Renny (René?)’s anatomy. Lad was chiseled.

His first name and the fact that he was a student at SMU should have been enough, but to Blake’s frustration Renny (Ranie?) seemed to be the only person in the world without a Facebook profile, a Twitter feed, or even a MySpace. No iteration of his name came up with any (male) hits in the campus directory, and Blake was too shy (or was that intimidated? God, those abs) to ask him directly. She even tried pumping the accounts receivable manager for information only to have the thing blow up in her face.

 

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