Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

NARRATOR: When last we left our intrepid heroes, the incredible crime-fighting night detective OWL PHANTOM™ had just trailed the gangsters to their hideout on the wharf, accompanied by his young ward CABBAGE-O-LANTERN™, the avenging vegetable!

CABBAGE-O-LANTERN: Withering willows, Owl Phantom! My helmet’s Green Plant-O-Vision is useless against the walls of that hideout!

OWL PHANTOM: Just as I feared, Cabbage-O-Lantern. Those gangsters have lined their lair with two inedible, impenetrable, but otherwise safe for all purposes, materials: lead and asbestos.

CABBAGE-O-LANTERN: Bruised bracts, Owl Phantom! Who could do such an elaborate, but safe, job of keeping our prying eyes at bay?

OWL PHANTOM: We won’t know for sure until we penetrate that sanctum of safety, but I suspect it is our old nemesis The Cackler. Only his demented mind could conceive of such a thing.

CABBAGE-O-LANTERN: Rotten roots, Owl Phantom! What could The Cackler and his ruthless Mirth Mooks possibly be planning in there?

OWL PHANTOM: I don’t know, Cabbage-O-Lantern, but I suspect it will take us about three minutes to find out.

NARRATOR: And now a word from our sponsors. Stay tuned for more exciting radio drama after this!

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Hey there, Jey’ll,” said Sir Feldmir. “Your little turnip patch is looking good.”

“Why thank you, Feldmir,” said Jey’ll, his copper-based elven blood bringing a bluish sheen to his cheeks. “Your celery is looking good as well. It is nice to know that the Vegetable Tournament will have many able competitors this year.”

“Your little turnip patch is looking good, and that’s a problem,” said Feldmir. “You see, I don’t like competition, especially competition that’s within a sword’s swing of me.”

“Oh?” said Jey’ll. “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way, but there’s no guarantee I’ll even place, so-“

“I tried to sabotage your patch, elf,” said Feldmir. “I tried fire, lighting, frost, my trusty blade, and even salting the earth. They shrugged it off. Somehow or other, they shrugged it off.”

“I mean, I do have my secrets, but-“ Jey’ll began.

“I tried a good old-fashioned honorable sabotage and it didn’t work,” said Feldmir, darkly. “Your immortal turnips are disrespecting my celery, and it stops now.”

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Excerpted from the Ruins & Rogues Creature Compendium, Fifth Edition, incorporating materials from the Sorcerers & Sabers Interverse Guide.

URBAN MERFOLK
Medium Humanoid, True Neutral

Armor Class: 11
Hit Points: 10 (2d80 + 2)
Speed: 10 ft., swim 40 ft. (natural form) 20 ft. (in disguise)
STR: 10 (+0)
DEX: 13 (+1)
CON: 12 (+1)
INT: 11 (+0)
WIS: 11 (+0)
CHA: 12 (+1)
Skills: Perception +2
Senses: Passive Perception 12
Languages: Common, Merfolk
Challenge: ⅛ (25 XP)

Actions
Amphibious
Like all merfolk, they can breathe air or water, instantly switching between them with no penalty.

Minor Alter Self
Like some other merfolk, they have a limited for of Alter Self that allows them to rapidly switch between their merfolk tail and a pair of humanoid legs. This form can be maintained for up to 10 hours per day as long as it is followed by submergence, or for as long as 6 days at increasing risk with death occurring on the seventh day without submergence in water. Regardless of the amount of submergence, any amount of fresh or salt water beyond a few drops will immediately reverse the effect, which cannot be reapplied until dry.

Descritpion
With the ever-growing pollution and overfishing of the oceans, many coastal merfolk have moved into humanoid settlements for their own safety to avoid becoming bycatch. Most pose as humanoids to avoid detection, using innate abilities developed from centuries of such practices, to avoid prejudice and persecution. Given the nature of their disguise, which is undone with even a small amount of water leaving them vulnerable and exposed, urban merfolk somewhat counterintuitively prefer occupations that are high and dry.

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Excerpted from the Ruins & Rogues Creature Compendium, Fifth Edition, incorporating materials from the Sorcerers & Sabers Interverse Guide.

BUREACRASPHINX
Large Monstrosity, Lawful Neutral

Armor Class: 17 (natural armor)
Hit Points: 136 (16d10 + 48)
Speed: 40 ft., fly 60 ft.
STR: 18 (+4)
DEX: 15 (+2)
CON: 16 (+3)
INT: 18 (+4)
WIS: 18 (+4)
CHA: 11 (+0)
Skills: Arcana +12, History +12, Perception +8, Religion +8
Damage Resistances: bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from nonmagical attacks
Condition Immunities: Charm, Fear
Senses: Truesight 120 ft., Passive Perception 18
Languages: Common, Sphinx, Bureaucracy
Challenge: 10 (6000 XP)

Actions
Multiattack
The bureaucrasphinx makes two claw attacks.

Claw
Melee Weapon Attack: +8 to hit, reach 5 ft., one target. Hit: 13 (2d8 + 4) slashing damage.

Secret Teleport
The sphinx magically teleports, along with any equipment it is wearing or carrying, up to 120 feet to an unoccupied space it can see. It may do this an unlimited number of times if unseen, but once observed teleporting by a sapient being, it must wait at least 24 hours or undergo a long rest before it can teleport agan.

Cast a Spell
The sphinx casts a spell from its list of prepared spells, using a spell slot as normal. The sphinx casts as a level 9 sorcerer.

Alter Self
The sphinx assumes the form of either a humanoid or a quasi-beastman combining features of its humanoid and sphinx forms, including wings. It may do this as a free action at any time and maintains the chosen form without concentration indefinitely, including unconsciousness but not death. High stress, agitation, or intense emotion may cause the sphinx to “slip” from one form to another, but never occurs in its natural form.

Descritpion
After seeing one of his retinue slain and devoured by a riddling sphinx, the sultan of Al-Kermah invited the sphinx and its kin to serve as administrators and bureaucrats. The sphinxes soon found that bureaucratic work suited them, and over the next five thousand years gradually became distinct form their brethren. While they still retain the formidable combat prowess of gyno- or andro-sphinxes, as well as a fondness for riddles, bureaucrasphinxes prefer to make their riddles matters of navigating labyrinthine rules, with the penalty being not the victim’s life but rather their time.

As such, bureaucrasphinxes tend to work low-level administrative jobs as administrative assistants, clerks, or motor vehicle inspectors. They are prized as such by high-level managers who do not wish to be bothered (as the sultan did not) and the revelation of their true nature often results in only a shrug. Their secret ability to teleport makes them particularly difficult to pin down, and more than one brave adventurer has been brought to despair and ruin by an encounter.

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As our region of the country prepares for the awe-inspiring Red Eclipse when the sun is transited by Nemesis, the Star of Death, it’s crucial to prioritize the safety of your eyes and the integrity of your sanity during this extraordinary event.

We asked a leading ophthalmologist and retina specialist, who asked not to be named as they feared invoking the wrath of the Consort of Nemesis, to share essential tips to protect your vision while enjoying the eclipse.

Risk Assessment

The Red Eclipse occurs when the Red Star of Death, Nemesis, Vh’eklolbh-of-the-Pillars, Kthildax-at-the-Threshold passes between the Earth and the sun, momentarily subsuming our view of the sun with its reddish light that resides outside the color spectrum of our ordered universe. Even during partial Red Eclipses, Nemesis emits harmful light from a place beyond love, beyond fear, and beyond sanity; gazing directly at the it during an eclipse can lead to severe brain damage, resulting in a fugue state, temporary psychosis, permanent insanity, or even death by cerebral hemorrage.

As out expert explains, “The mind’s natural defenses—such as dissociation and memory loss—are useless during a Red Eclipse, washed away on the madness of Vh’eklolbh and its Consort. It’s crucial to avoid direct exposure without proper eye protection.”

Safety Measures

Even though our area will only see a partial Red Eclipse, caution is still necessary. Follow these dos and don’ts to ensure a memorable and safe viewing experience:

Dos:

1. Use Certified Red Eclipse Glasses:

Invest in specially designed eclipse glasses or viewers that meet international safety standards. These glasses effectively filter out harmful non-Eucledean rays and most forms of madness, allowing you to observe the eclipse safely.

2. Inspect Your Red Eclipse Glasses:

If you have eclipse glasses that are more than three years old, perhaps from the last Red Eclipse, or notice any scratches, damage, or defects, discard them. Reliable viewers are essential for eye protection, and Nemesis learns to overcome our protection with time and inevitable decay.

3. Spread the Word:

Educate your friends, family, and community about the importance of safety during the Red Eclipse. Encourage everyone to use proper eye protection. More awareness means fewer hospitalization, less mass hysteria, and fewer cases of violent psychosis demanding an armed response.

4. Keep Your Red Eclipse Glasses On:

Even brief exposure to the Star of Death during the eclipse can detry your mind. Wear your Red Eclipse glasses consistently to safeguard your vision. If you must take them off, be sure to turn 180º and look at the ground first.

Don’ts:

1. Don’t Stare Directly at the Red Star of Death:

Regardless of the Red Eclipse’s visibility, avoid looking directly at Nemesis or its Consort without proper eye protection. The risks are real, protecting your eyes is paramount, and death may result for laxity.

2. Avoid Homemade Filters:

Homemade filters, such as sunglasses or unverified materials, do not provide adequate protection. Stick to certified Red Eclipse glasses or viewers. Remember well the fate of Jared McBlain IV, who viewed the Red Eclipse through a welding mask and went on to murder 75 innocents before he was brought down by federal marshals

Remember, the Red Eclipse is a rare and awe-inspiring event. By following these guidelines, you can enjoy it safely without compromising your sanity.

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Few things have divided the Star Confederation’s member sapients more than Chameloids, about whom more speculation than objective fact exist.

The one thing that is clear about them is that Chameloids are natural shapeshifters, able to assume the form of any sapient within about one standard deviation of a certain size. They can be “locked” into a certain form, and prevented from shifting, through the use of Holtzmann restrictors built into standard restraints, although the mechanism of action is currently unknown. It’s speculated–perhaps wildly–that Chameloids are energy beings manifesting themselves as different forms of matter, and a Holtzmann restrictor interrupts this process somehow.

It is also unclear how Chameloids come into being. While there are rumors and hearsay of Chameloid children, all individuals confirmed to have been encountered are young adults or older. This has led to speculation that sapients may spontaneously develop Chameloid characteristics upon adulthood, or even that the Chameloids themselves forcibly “convert” other sapients to their cause.

The response of the Star Confederation to this has, thus far, been legislative. A known Chameloid is required to choose a form and then be Holtzmann-locked into it on a more or less permanent basis and kept under surveillance. This serves both to assuage espionage fears among the various constituent governments of the Star Confederation and is also thought, by some, to prevent the Chameloids from “infecting” others.

Notably absent in the discussion have been the Chameloids themselves.

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“The Steam Djinn”: Why the radiators no longer work

When the building had first been constructed, a man from the ironworks had come and carefully bound up a steam djinn in the basement to run the boilers and pipe hot steam through the wrought radiators. It had been a complex ritual, swallowing a whole week during the pouring of the concrete basement, and photographs from the archives caught snatches of the process as the man chalked elaborate runes of summoning and circles of binding to bring the djinn from its home plane and herd it into a steam boiler.

For the next 75 years, the djinn provided the building with heat, its exertions echoing through the decorative radiators, their scrollwork now blurry and muted under decades of paint. A little water every now and then was all that was required to keep the djinn productive and the building warm. It was not as efficient as later forms of heat, and the radiators were notorious for burning anyone who brushed up against them. The mighty whirlwind wraith in the central cooling plant was far better, but with no money for renovation or repair, the steam djinn continued its work.

It had begun to fade of late, though. No matter how much water it was fed, the heat was increasingly intermittent and feeble. Votive offerings and half-remembered rituals from old library books propped it up for a time, but it was soon apparent to everyone that the summoning had been for a 125-year contract, a standard span in the era before urban planning, and that as the time approached the steam djinn would increasingly fade out, returning to its home and leaving the building dark and cold.

None knew how to summon another. And there was no money for anything better. The plan, then, was to ride out the ebbing steam as long as possible, piling on layers and huddling ever closer to the dying heat, until the day it went out. Water would need to be turned off at some point in the near future, to keep pipes from freezing and bursting, and the building would continue its slow decay from magic to mundanity.

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The entries were dated, but not in any sort of order. The fifth of May followed the first of June, and 1920 was noted as often as 2501. The pages were very fine, quality paper with a high rag content, the sort of paper that would last centuries, and the ink was in various states of fading, iron gall ink rusting, or more modern liquids slowly dyeing to purple. It was the sort of book that someone would carefully purchase, and keep, if they wanted to be sure of its survival from the days of Khemet rising around the Nile to the sputtering sparks at the end of it all as the last humans winked out.

The pages held secrets, to be sure. But without the key, without the hand that wrote them, they might be unrecoverable.

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They call it the Alchemist’s Labyrinth
For it is a twisting maze of ingredients
A morass of ritual and science, intertwined
The alembic’s lament; scourge of mortar, pestle
Failure is months of work lost, at the least
A life ended in fire, at the very most
But a success, oh, a success…
Success is immortality
Though there are some
Wizened alchemists of old
Who would beg
To differ

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