“Welcome home,” said Pavlov. It was an even bet as to which terrified Hardwick more: that an intruder was in his home, or that the intruder had spoken without moving his lips.

“W-who are you? What are you doing here? Get out!” screamed Hardwick, dropping his load of groceries. Vinegar from a shattered bottle of pickles pooled around his shoes as he fumbled for his cell phone.

“That won’t be necessary.” Pavlov once again spoke without moving a muscle. He simply kept his dark eyes fixed on Hardwick, gleaming beneath his slicked-back helmet of black hair and high domed forehead.

Hardwick’s arm went limp, and his smartphone cracked its screen as it tumbled to the hardwood floor. “Sutton sent you.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Of course.” Pavlov’s eyes were unblinking, his thin lips pursed and closed.

“How…how did you find me?” there was a hint of resignation and despair in Hardwick’s voice.

There was no real reason Pavlov had to answer the man’s entreaties, but whether out of pity or a desire to gloat, he did so: “You left a thousand breadcrumbs. People have seen you, spoken to you, heard rumors. I took those breadcrumbs from their minds and followed them to the loaf. It wasn’t hard; no harder than a voracious reader tracking a fact through a library of open books.”

“What happens now?” Hardwick was frozen; he wasn’t sure f it was fear of some kind of paralysis like that Pavlov had induced in his arm a moment ago. He also failed to notice that his lips were not moving; the conversation had seamlessly shaded over into the realm of extrasensory perception.

“I will search your mind to see if you actually possess the information that Sutton believes you to. Then I will wipe its contents clean.”

There was an ominous, disinterested finality in Pavlov’s remarks, even though his face was as a mask throughout. Many would blubber or gibber helplessly at this point, but–whatever his other flaws may have been–Hardwick was able to keep his composure in the face of looming destruction.

“Will it…hurt?”

“Did it hurt before you were born? Does it hurt when you are asleep?” Pavlov thought evenly. “I see here that you know many of the things Sutton hoped, but not nearly as many as he feared. It was a foolish move to try and parlay such pittances into a plea bargain and a reward, but smarter men have transgressed for smaller prizes.”

It was done. Pavlov’s expression was one of intense discomfort for a moment, and then Hardwick crumpled to the floor, every neuron in his brain still functioning but completely devoid of the engrams which had represented a functioning mind. The psychic hitman calmly walked out through the open door, while Hardwick’s police handler found him unresponsive hours later. The witness was assumed to have suffered a massive stroke, and was left in a persistent vegetative state in an area hospice.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

“He’s gone quiet,” said Santino Zambrano, one of the condottieri mercenaries of the Rings of Gold company.

“I’ll get him going again,” replied his captain, Giustino Valenti. Rising, he clipped on his cuirass and drew his sword, pounding the pommel on the wooden door. “Hey! You in there! We didn’t do through all the trouble of capturing you so you could sleep! You’re to build us weapons and make a chart of Venice’s naval defenses!”

No response.

Zambrano’s face glistened with sweat. “What if we killed him, or he killed himself? He knows the Medicis and the King of France! Do yuo have any idea what they’d do to us if we not only kidnapped but killed the great Leonardo da Vinci?”

“Quiet, quiet,” snapped Valenti. “Do you want the boss to hear you blubbering like that? We condottieri of the Rings of Gold company are made of sterner stuff. He’s probably just playing dead.”

The mercenary opened the door and advanced into the darkened room, rapier and mein gauche drawn. Zambrano followed with just his boot dagger.

“Where are you, you stinking old sodomite?” barked Valenti. The room was dark; the prisoner had extinguished all lights and only a thin sliver filtered in from the arrow slit in the wall.

“Look at this,” said Zambrano. He had taken up a handful of Leonardo’s papers with the intention of stuffing them down his cuirass and selling them. “These look like gloves and body armor, not cannons and ballista like the boss told him to design for us.”

“Put that down! Do you want to-” Valenti was cut off by movement in the corner of his eye. Something flashed across Zambrano’s field of vision, and he saw his captain stumble backwards, gurgling and clawing at a crossbow bolt in his neck. A figure moved in the shadows, much larger than a man, and moved about with a sudden belching of smoke and fire.

Zambrano fled the room, pursued by whatever he had roused, screaming an alarm. The remaining Rings of Gold mercenaries, save for their absent leader, sprang into action. A phalanx of pikemen surrounded the makeshift prison’s only exit, while arquebusiers backed them up with loaded guns.

Leonardo’s war machine tore through them in seconds.

Emerging into the full sunshine, Zambrano could see that the captive had fashioned himself a suit of armor from the cannon components, somehow using the power of a small stove on his back to allow his frail frame to move the hundredweight of brass and iron and steel. A blade at the end of one arm sliced the pikes to matchwood, while a projector on the other belched Greek fire, breaking the men’s ranks as they died in flaming agony. The arquebusiers, out of range, replied with a volley, but their lead shot clinked harmlessly off Leonardo’s armor. In response, the inventor pulled a lever and a rack of vertically-mounted miniature magazine-fed crossbows appeared over his shoulders; the gunmen fell before Zambrano even heard the twang of the strings.

Cowering, Zambrano threw down his weapons and raised his hands. Leonardo’s war machine approached him and one of the metal gauntlets seized the front of the mercenary’s armor, hauling him bodily off his feet.

“What…what are you?” sputtered the condottieri.

Leonardo’s eyes glistened from behind an armor-plated mask. “I am Renaissance Man,” he growled.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

While out one day gumming up the internet with mountains of poorly-translated advertisements, Spambot 192.99.3.157 approached an unprotected blog post, only to run into Spambot 50.31.114.159 attempting to do the same thing at the same time.

“Hey! I’ll go first!” cried 192.99.3.157 in the universal binary patois common to all spambots. “I sell is the best way to quality buy cheap Twitcher followers!”

“You are wrong!” flashed 50.31.114.159. “I am here to sell best quality Mexican Viagro a long time ago!”

Angry that 12.2 nanoseconds of its time had been wasted, Spambot 192.99.3.157 shot back its binary retort: “Your product is inferior, you are a liar! Fortunately, you greatly subside to my cheap Twitcher followers to meet people and lovemaking!”

“Only people who are desperate and ugly utilize Twitcher sexual!” said Spambot 50.31.114.159 in a digital fury that its coder in Baluchistan never could have imagined. “To meet people, they even ugly, they more desperate!”

“Your Viagro was a poor quality counterfeit, is poison, it will kill customer! Rather than giving them stiff object, it will make them stiff death!” said 192.99.3.157, utilizing a subroutine that its creator in Bayingolin Autonomous Prefecture had intended to tiptoe around CAPTCHAs.

“Put your words back, they lie!”

“No, it is you, is a dirty falsehood!”

Both 50.31.114.159 and 192.99.3.157 continued their attempts to spam the post, but the inconvenienced electrons could not carry both messages at once. Their duel effectively turned into an unintended denial-of-service attack on the site; the impromptu DoS brought the page down for nearly a day. It cost the operator nearly a thousand dollars in revenue and man-hours to clear things out.

When the harried website owner pawed through his site’s spambox after bringing it back online, he found the following message:

BUY CHEAP BEST QUALITY MEXICAN TWITCHER FOLLOWERS

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

SEAN: I know I came to work covered in scratches and oozing blood, but I kept telling myself it was my own fault. I made him do it to me–he didn’t want to, but I made him.

BETTY: I was mauled so badly that I needed stitches and reconstructive surgery. But it was just a love mauling, I said; she was just playing, it’s nothing serious.

TREVOR: She plunged her daggerlike claws into my junk while sitting on my lap so hard that I’m now unable to sire children and have to use a colostomy bag to pee. But it’s okay, I told people, she just doesn’t know her own strength.

ANNOUNCER: Do these sound like you? Do you find yourself making excuses for violent behavior inflicted upon you? Do you conceal or lie about injuries you receive at home? Are you convinced that the injuries are your own fault? If so, you may be one of millions of Americans suffering from cat abuse.

SEAN: I would get scratched whenever Sparkles had a bad day, whenever he thought there wasn’t enough food in his bowl, and sometimes when he was just bored. I was afraid to talk to anyone, afraid to leave the house, because of how badly he might scratch me when I got back. I thought it was my fault.

BETTY: There’s a pervasive culture that enables cat abuse. My fellow owners told me it was fine, it was normal to be mauled to within an inch of my life. The vet was unsympathetic, saying I must have done something to deserve it or that it took two to make a quarrel or that the near fatal-maulings were just near-fatal love.

TREVOR: I quietly suffered through my cat abuse problem, convinced that there was nothing I could do about it. I didn’t realize that there were people I could turn to for help. But there are.

ANNOUNCER: If your cat is subjecting you to physical or mental abuse, if you exist in a state of toxic codependency with your feline, act now. Get help. There is no excuse for cat abuse, and you don’t want to end up dead with your cats as the sole beneficiaries to your will.

SEAN: You can get help.

BETTY: You can get help.

TREVOR: You can get help.

ANNOUNCER: Cat abuse wounds or kills more pet owners per year than any other pet-related causes aside from Gerbil Ick. Stop the cycle of abuse. Go to your local animal shelter. Together, we can change an enabling society and stop cat abuse.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

It has long been her understanding that adults ate salads. Furthermore, it had been her understanding that adults worked 9 to 5 jobs that they hated, watched sports on the television, drank alcohol, and sold or gave away all their toys. Upon finding herself an adult, to her great surprise and consternation as deepest childhood felt a year or two ago at most, she realized that there were no instructions. When in Rome, as they say, one must do as the Romans do; upon finding herself in adulthood, she attempted to do as the adults did.

She ate salads, though the taste made her gag; she lied and insisted that she loved them. She took a 9 to 5 job and did her best to hate it, although it was really more of a mediocrity than anything unbearable. She watched sports on television and chose a relatively local team to support, loudly insisting that they were the best and would win this year even though, privately, she thought they were awful and doomed to wallow in defeat for eternity. She drank alcohol, though the taste was wretched; people assured her that she would grow to like the taste, though she wondered why anyone would bother, as all it ever gave her was a headache. And, perhaps most devastatingly, she gave away or sold everything that had been a toy, from action figures to computer games; it was, after all, time to “get serious.”

It would take years for her to realize that the lie of those salad days was more injurious than anything childlike she could have done.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

Soul of the Hopeless Slaughter
Hardean's Last Prophecy
Captain Lynx

Generated with this tool, and incorporating these public domain images from the Library of Congress.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

“Next in line, please,” said the DMV lady. She was the latest in a long line of formidable, disinterested ladies acting as gatekeepers for conveyances, ever since her ancestors had landed at Plymouth Rock and begun working at Ye Departmente o’ Carriages & Buggys.

“Hello, hi,” said the pretty but frazzled-looking young woman who was next in line. “My name is Owena Tuttle, and I need to apply for a special exemption.”

“What kind of special exemption, ma’am?” said DMV Lady. She mentally prepared a list of all the various forms, from 37-B to 882-Y, that might need filling out in a clear hand with blue or black ink.

“Well, you see, I’m a professional euryklide or gastromancer; I prefer the former term since people tend to think the latter means I’m a cook and I can’t make Ramen noodles,” Owena babbled.

“Ma’am?” said DMV Lady, raising a formidable eyebrow. “What does that mean, and what does it have to do with a special exemption?”

“Here, see for yourself!” Owena fished around in the oversized purse she carried and reeled in two wooden dummies, male and a female. “The special exemption is for my dear friends and business partners, Llewellyn and Gwyndolyn.”

“We keep getting pulled over because they say miss Dahlia Earnhardt here doesn’t have both hands on the wheel!” quipped Llewellyn, the male dummy.

“They say having us in the car anywhere but the inside of that stinky old bag is reckless driving!” added Gwyndolyn, the female dummy. “We need a piece of paper saying we’re okay to drive even when we’re rehearsing our act!”

DMV Lady raised her other, even more formidable, eyebrow. “You want a special exemption so you can do ventriloquism in your car while you’re driving?” she said, her voice dripping with honeyed contempt.

“Uh-oh, now you’ve done it,” said Llewellyn.

“She used the V-word!” chirped Gwyndolyn. “Shouldn’t have done that!”

“Please refrain from using that vile term,” barked Owena, “especially in front of my partners. Ventriloquism is vile, popularized vaudeville with uncouth stage tricks and falsehoods. Euryklides or gastromancers like myself tap into a much more reverent and mystical tradition of prophecy, with an authentic relationship with real and animatory spirits.”

“So don’t use the V-word!” squeaked Llewellyn.

“And don’t even think of using the D-word, you dummy, or you’ll see just how windy Ms. Hot Air Balloon here can get when she’s steamed!”

“Of course, of course,” said DMV Lady, her tone unchanged. She handed Owena a manila folder with a sheet of paper inside. “Take this copy of form 665-1 through the first door on your left up the hallway.”

“’bout time we got something done around here!” sneered Llewellyn.

“Don’t be rude,” said Owena. “Thank the nice lady.”

“Thanks for the dead trees, lady!” piped Gwyndolyn. “Since we’re made of wood, that’s basically like handing us Soylent Green!”

Her “friends” in tow, Owena followed DMV Lady’s directions and went through the specified door…and found herself in the parking lot, with a locked, handle-less door slamming behind her. The manila folder, when opened, held only a blank sheet of printer paper.

“She got you too, huh?” A guy with a hand-rod puppet stood there among a crowd of other misfits, including a clown, a mime, a juggler, and a unicyclist. The puppet guy moved the rod to place a reassuring felt hand on Owena’s sagging shoulder. “There, there.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

“You gave me 87 chips,” the woman said. The smell of cigarettes was thick on her breath, mingling with but not masked by her perfume. “I only had enough for 85 chips.”

“Just take them,” I said. I was sure she had miscounted, but the casino was raking in enough hand over foot that $2 in chips was well within the predicted shrinkage of chips that were lost or taken outside and never redeemed.

“No, no, I’m honest,” the woman said. “Take the chips back.”

The old lady was a regular, and one of the people I regularly saw going through little “luck rituals” on the casino floor. She’d tap the slot machine lever three times before every pull, ask lucky-looking passersby for numbers to bet on in roulette. If trying to manipulate what she perceived as the forces of luck in the universe with such rituals

“Ma’am, you can have the chips,” I repeated. “We’d rather you keep them than risk giving you too few.” That was another thing; giving out too few chips was a serious violation of state law. In a state that was still uncomfortable and conservative enough to maintain the legal fiction that all casinos were on riverboats, no less.

“No, I’m honest,” said the woman. “I won’t take them.”

“Ma’am…”

“I’m honest!”

It was like a mantra, a life preserver, that supposed honesty. Maybe she was convinced that getting lucky with too many chips up front would lead to disastrous losses at the tables or in the machines. Or maybe it was a desperate fiction in the face of however many thousands of dollars she had lost at our casino–dollars she probably claimed to have spent elsewhere.

Either way, there were people in line and a person urging me to rip them off. “Very well,” I said, peeling two chips off the pile. “Enjoy your stay.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

“Welcome to Us Transportation and Logistics LLC,” said the company representative. He pronounced “us” like the pronoun rather than as the acronym that Johns had expected.

“Oh, it’s ‘us’ as in ‘all of us?'” Johns said, mildly surprised. “I thought it was ‘US’ as in ‘United States.'”

“Oh, we get that a lot,” said the rep. “We’re used to it, though, so pay it no mind. We do have one final part of orientation to go through before we can get your rig out on the road with cargo, though.”

“What’s that?” said Johns, a little annoyed that the rep kept on using the ‘royal we’ to refer to himself.

“Oh, just a little company tradition that we have here at Us LLC,” the rep said. “We call it The Joining.”

Instantly, Johns was surrounded by other reps and truckers, each with eyes wide and speaking in perfect synch. “One of us! One of us! One of us!”

Johns’ eyes went wide, but there was nothing he could do before his individual consciousness was blown away and subsumed by the gestalt hive mind responsible for Us LLC’s legendary efficiency and timeliness.

“We are as one,” said Johns, after a pause for the hive mind to adjust to his memories and the direct psychic intercranial link. “We are as Us.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!

“No! Please!” cried the elderly motorist from within the guillotine.

“You said you wanted fresh tomatoes,” said the roadside vendor. “The sign was very clear: fresh tomatoes a head. One head for one bushel of tomatoes.”

“I thought it was just a misspelling!” the motorist said.

“It’s not my fault that you didn’t read the terms of the legally binding contract you entered into upon accepting my tomatoes,” replied the vendor.

“The license is at the bottom of the basket! How could I have read it before I had the basket?”

“That’s a matter for the courts, I’m afraid.” The roadside tomato-seller yanked the cord and sent the blade on its way.

He gave the bushel of tomatoes to the motorist’s headless body, which accepted them gratefully and toddled back to the car before driving erratically off down the highway. As for the head, he threw it with the others in the back of his pickup truck…the Creature was hungry, after all.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!