While out one day gumming up the internet with mountains of poorly-translated advertisements, Spambot approached an unprotected blog post, only to run into Spambot attempting to do the same thing at the same time.

“Hey! I’ll go first!” cried in the universal binary patois common to all spambots. “I sell is the best way to quality buy cheap Twitcher followers!”

“You are wrong!” flashed “I am here to sell best quality Mexican Viagro a long time ago!”

Angry that 12.2 nanoseconds of its time had been wasted, Spambot shot back its binary retort: “Your product is inferior, you are a liar! Fortunately, you greatly subside to my cheap Twitcher followers to meet people and lovemaking!”

“Only people who are desperate and ugly utilize Twitcher sexual!” said Spambot in a digital fury that its coder in Baluchistan never could have imagined. “To meet people, they even ugly, they more desperate!”

“Your Viagro was a poor quality counterfeit, is poison, it will kill customer! Rather than giving them stiff object, it will make them stiff death!” said, utilizing a subroutine that its creator in Bayingolin Autonomous Prefecture had intended to tiptoe around CAPTCHAs.

“Put your words back, they lie!”

“No, it is you, is a dirty falsehood!”

Both and continued their attempts to spam the post, but the inconvenienced electrons could not carry both messages at once. Their duel effectively turned into an unintended denial-of-service attack on the site; the impromptu DoS brought the page down for nearly a day. It cost the operator nearly a thousand dollars in revenue and man-hours to clear things out.

When the harried website owner pawed through his site’s spambox after bringing it back online, he found the following message:


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Almost for Valentine’s Day, a gift basket
She gives marriage tips just to use famous food quotes
Of far-off movies with stock options
Brought together in estate planning trust
She has his life insurance policy, here
For the bookkeeping service
We all wish for an inflatable escape slide at our jobs
Airplane style out into the street
She thinks 80% of us would quite like that
Anybody out there?
There is an opening for a stockbroker at my job
She is smiling and weeping

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The following is a selection of “notable quotes” deposited by a spambot. They appear to have been translated from English to Chinese English, and they are delicious.

    People who help make peaceful emerging trend impossible is likely to make violent trend expected.
    John Fahrenheit Kennedy

John Fahrenheit Kennedy: the temperature at which Marilyn Monroe burns.

    A person’s someone, regardless of the way tiny.
    Dr. Seuss

Can’t argue with that.

    Resist significantly. Observe minors.
    Walt Whitman

Okay, that’s just a little creepy there, Walt.

    Thou shalt dilemma everything; there’s nothing preceding difficult task.
    The minute Commandment involving the almighty Galen

I had no idea that the physician Galen (129-216 AD) was worshiped as a god, let alone that he issued commandments!

    University boards these days get on them selves to increase his or her assignment well further than knowledge.
    John Gary Roberts, Gigantic Court docket

Don’t mess with Justice Roberts or his Gigantic Court. They will crush you.

    Nine Mine Citadel : Consequently all around getting neat, it can be alarming.
    Coalition In Opposition to Institutionalized Little One Misuse

Far be it for me to disagree with the Council and be accused of supporting institutionalized little one misuse, but I have no idea what the Nine Mine Citadel is. Maybe it’s a secret nexus for underground, and institutionalized, little one misuse?

    In the modern society in which it is a moral offense for being totally different from ones neighbors your merely avoid is never to let these learn.
    Robert Some Sort of Heinlein

I’m not sure what Robert was onto here, but I do agree that he was some sort of Heinlein.

    Practically nothing to all the entire world is a lot more hazardous than honest lack of knowledge along with careful silliness.
    Dr. Martin Luther Master, Jr.

Cold, calculated, careful silliness is a thousand times more hazardous than the ordinary kind, for sure.

    The man whom says very little is best knowledgeable compared to guy which flows only newspaper publishers.
    Thomas Jefferson

Yeah, it seems like newspapers publishers aren’t flowing much of anywhere these days, unless you count bankruptcy court.

    Of bad men spiritual bad men include the toughest.
    C. Utah Lewis, This Sterling Silver Lounge Chair

Wasn’t This Sterling Silver Lounge Chair that version of The Silver Chair modernized for the fast-paced world of the 1970s?

    Meaningful indignation: envy which has a halo.
    H. G. Water Wells

Not to be confused with his cousin H. G. Oil Wells.

    Folks really should not be scared of their authorities. Governments needs to be worried of these folks.
    V Regarding Vendetta

It’s like a folksy take on this story set in Maybury with Atticus Finch as V.

    In no way credit to help malice that will which may be sufficiently discussed by means of battiness.
    Hanlon’s Electric Shaver

Pretty sagacious for a piece of personal grooming equipment.

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Dear {Webmaster | Web Owner | Universal Spider of the Web}

I could not {resist | refrain from | fight the Earwig People driving me to} commenting. I’ve been {surfing | browsing | sproggling} more than {100 | 1,000 | 10,000} hours on the {internet | global inter-connected web | Inconvenienced Electrons Local 420} today, yet I never found any interesting article like yours. It is pretty worth enough for me. {In my opinion | In my view | Tremble at my opinioning, mortal}, if all webbers and bloggers made good content as you did, the {internets | blogosphere | Grand Duchy of Tumblr} will be {much more | a lot more | really really really really} useful than ever before.

I will right away {take hold of | clutch | kidnap} your RSS as I can not in finding your {email | subscribe button | psychic link}. I am sure this {article | post | papyrus} has touched all the internet {users | viewers | cyborg overlords}, its really really {nice | fastidious | obsessive-compulsive} paragraph on building up new {blog | web site | independent fiefdom}.

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FROM: Lilian Thompson

I know you can embarrass get this m ail, but please do not ignore it. After going through your pro file, I feel I should tell you about it.

Oh, I can embarrass what ails you, all right. Thanks for noticing! And I really have more of an amateur file than a pro. Might go pro someday; live the dream.

My father was a poison in his business associates in one of their outings on a business trip.

So if your father was a poison, that makes you half poison? And if he was a poison in his associates, then that would mean that your mother…well, let’s just say it would be an interesting inheritance law case study.

My mom died when I was a kid, so I orphaned children.

You orphaned children? That’s cold. What, since you don’t get parents, nobody gets parents? Or were you, as an orphan, trying to make more of your kind the only way you knew how?

I request the transfer of the inherited money US $ 5.5 M and I come over there.

Too much information! And honestly I think $5.50 would mostly be eaten up in fees.

My father left him in a bank before he dies as a result of eating poison, I’ll give you 15% after the transfer, I will tell you how and why to choose you, and you need to know, but, as you may be already aware, at present, my country is currently in a State of war due to political crises.

So your father locked somebody in a bank before eating himself and dying. Your family history isn’t really selling me on this whole thing.

The rebels have already captured the entire North of the country and efforts aimed at seizing the country’s commercial center, where I am now.

Also, what country where people are named “Lilian Thompson” is currently in the middle of a civil war? Not exactly a Syrian name…

Meanwhile I choose because of the familiarity of the name, and secondly, I choose you with faith as a Christian and pray for it and believe in it.

I’m glad you have faith and all, but the familiarity of one’s name doesn’t necessarily indicate trustworthiness. Joseph Stalin and Bernie Madoff are familiar names.

Finally I love your country and its my dream, because it’s a peaceful country: reply through My Email; [redacted]

Wait, my country is your dream? Doesn’t that mean that it’ll disappear when you wake up? Maybe sending the money isn’t such a bad idea after all…

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