November 25, 2022
“If water spell and earth spell, why not sky spell?” the student said.
“There is not sufficient mass in air,” replied the professor. “It would require too much magical power, too much effort.”
“I beg to differ,” the student said, floating up off the floor like a soap bubble and drifting out the window.
November 24, 2022
The first memetic virus ever discovered was the so-called “intrusive amethyst” noticed by Sir Walter Goodall. Goodall, a don at Oxbridge in comparative literature, had been comparing two early editions of Tennyson for errata when he noted that one of the poems had the phrase “a brilliant amethyst” on pg. 244 of the newer edition. Puzzled, Goodall made a note of it and retired for the night. In the morning, he returned and resumed his studies, only to note that the phrase “a brilliant amethyst” was now in the older book as well, apparently since they had been left touching.
Goodall soon established by experimentation that any book or other written work were left in contact with an “infected” manuscript, the phrase “a brilliant amethyst” would subsequently appear within it. Goodall himself took care in his studies, but a mistake by one of his assistants led to the entire library being contaminated, at which point Goodall kept one book in a sealed glass book and burned the rest. At least one other book must have survived, however, because the problem spread to several other major libraries in the next ten years.
A subsequent researcher, Henry Danton, attempted further experiments with an Austen omnibus contaminated by “a brilliant amethyst.” He slept with the book as a pillow, which resulted in the phrase and a mental image becoming a persistent intrusive thought for the rest of his life, eventually driving him to suicide.
November 23, 2022
“I can’t go back in there. I can’t. I won’t.” Jimmy was hyperventilating even as she spoke.
“What’s the matter?” said Roger. “Was Great Uncle Frank being racist again?”
“No, it’s…it’s…”
“Cousin Mary trying to sell you NFTs?”
“It’s that ghastly fig bisque your mother made,” Jimmy wailed. “It’s the worst thing I’ve ever tasted, and I can’t be in the same room as it.”
November 22, 2022
Detective Slim Diamond passed the statuette of the Rhodes Owl over to the policeman. Once considered to be a magical talisman capable of putting even the greatest insomniac to sleep, it had rested by the bedside of knights and kings for centuries.
“What’s this?” the cop said.
“The stuff that dreams are made of,” quipped Slim.
November 21, 2022
“See, that’s where you’re wrong. You’re thinking of a maze, which has multiple paths and is intended to confuse and disorient.”
“Uh-huh.”
“This is a labyrinth, meaning that it’s convoluted but there is only one path. Following it is meant to be an ordeal and a test of faith.”
“Uh-huh. So how much longer do we have to go?”
“There’s no way to be sure.”
November 20, 2022
Spyder Preest was a heavy metal (sometimes classified as hair metal) rock and roll band active from 1977 to 1997. Emerging from the merger of two bands, Spyder Driver and Dark Preest, the group wore melodramatic costumes with an arachnid theme and distinct Catholic design, following the kayfabe that they were priests of a spider-oriented religion singing heavy metal hymns. It broke up after the bassist and drummer converted to Catholicism and joined a Christian rock group, while the lead guitarist and vocalist attempted to incorporate as an actual spider-based religion to achieve tax-exempt status.
November 19, 2022
It isn’t a cell tower; the shape is all wrong. No TV or radio signal broadcasts from it. The plot is owned by the city but rented by an unknown entity whose unsigned checks arrive like clockwork on the first of every month and cash promptly. But there is no description of the tower’s function in any official documentation other than a terse “antenna” in the notes of obscure city paperwork. Among locals, opinion is evenly divided: about half think the tower is incomplete and being held for eventual sale, and the other half is more in the “alien mind control conspiracy” camp.
November 18, 2022
Ridgehill Apartments (a unit of Omni Landlords LLC GmbH) regretfully prohibits the following household pets on the premises due to prior incidents:
-rodents larger than 1lb (.5kg), including beavers, muskrats, capybaras, and Patagonian maras
-dogs with the word “bull,” “retriever,” “pinscher,” or “border” in their breed name, as well as any dog with a German-presenting name; mixed breeds will be evaluated by a local caninologist
-longhair or no-hair cats; cats must meet a strict middle-of-the-road hair policy to be permitted and shaved longhair cats are not permitted
-birds of prey including eagles, falcons, hawks, kites, condors, or vultures; owls are permitted only on a case by case basis but owners will be responsible for placing pellets in the designated container
-stinging, biting, clawing, or behavior-altering arthropods
-fish larger than 1lb (.5 kg) and/or fish that require a salt water, benthic, or handrail tank
November 17, 2022
I don’t celebrate Christmas; instead, I celebrate Crifmaz. It’s observed on December 23 or 27, depending on the year and the phases of the moon or something, so it fits neatly into the holiday breaks that most folks already get for winter holidays. Even better, coming as it does before Xmas Eve or after Boxing Day, it allows the season to be extended. Crimes requires no decorations, no carols, and no extended family. All that’s required is being kind to oneself for a day, either in the “relaxing” sense or in the “unbridled capitalism” sense. Best of all, the pronunciation is close enough to another holiday that your conservative grandparents won’t mail you Chick tracts. A true win for everyone!
November 16, 2022
“Hey, dude?” Craig said. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”
“Sure thing, bruh,” said Ixidriel, demon of the seventh circle and baron of Hell. “What’s up?”
“I just opened the fridge and, like, loosed these demonic bats upon the mortal world,” Craig said. “They, like, kinda drank of my blood and passed on the eternal thirst of the damned before flying off in search of fresh victims?”
“Aw, man, bruh, my bad,” said Ixidriel. “When I moved in you said the fridge was cool for leftovers.”
“I know, but next time could you, like, eat them before they’re unleashed on an unprepared world? Or write a note or something?”
“You got it, bruh.”
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 