“You was warned, tosser.” The foremost of the men donned a pair of brass knuckles, and Weissmüller could see that they were embossed with the Radiant and All-Devouring Commode–the secret symbol of the Bathroominati.

“But…but all I wanted to do was design a place of comfort and serenity where people might void their bowels in peace!” the fixturemaker protested.

“And all we want to do is knock a little sense into your blinkin’ block for it,” the thug said. “It ain’t square with the Code of the Bathroominati, see? We as a species ain’t never gonna evolve out of the need for fixtures if you make using ’em too posh, berk. They’s got to be the way they is.”

“I’m…I’m sorry!”

“Oy, and sorrier still once we’ve cut your posh fixtures up and forced ’em down yer gullet. Tossers can’t be thinking they can defy the Great Bathroominated Ones without a sound beating from the Radiant and All-Devouring Commode, now can they?”

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It’s well-known even in casual circles that the modern bathroom, sanitary though it may be, is a poor match for the modern splendor that surrounds it. The seats are uncomfortable, the white porcelain stains easily, urinals are barely a step above the old Roman urinam situla, and the lack of women’s bathroom space is well-known.

Less well-known is the source of all this suffering.

For you see, the current status quo is maintained not by any law of nature or efficiency, but rather by a shadowy cabal. Made up of fixture manufacturers, toilet contractors, industrial designers, and sewermen, this group directs the policies of bathroom design and construction with an invisible hand from the shadows. Profit is a motive, naturally, but also an ancient and quasi-mystical belief that excretion must be made as uncomfortable as possible that humans might grow to no longer require it.

The group has no name, but to many they are nevertheless known as the Bathroominati.

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