December 5, 2012

From “Suck ’em Dry” by Markus Bozeman

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“Oh, shit,” Mellany said. “It’s Carter.”

“Look the other way and maybe he won’t see us.” Susyn turned and tried to ease herself to the outside of the bloodmobile line without losing her place.

“Mellany! Susyn! What are you doing there?” It didn’t work. Carter, looking as disheveled and unstable as he had in their tutoring group, approached the line waving his hands. “Why are you lining up for the vampire bloodmobile?”

“Because it’s the right thing to do,” Susyn sighed, without facing him. “They always need blood.”

“Also we’re in a blood race with Sigma Qoppa Phi,” Mellany added. Susyn bopped her for making them look shallow in front of the handsome line handlers.

“Don’t you see? The bloodmobile is just a front for vampires to satisfy their demonic bloodlust without drawing attention to themselves! And we line up to be part of it like suckers!”

“Oh God,” Mellany winced, visibly pained. “More of your paranoia, really? Go yell at some other line.”

“Yeah, I hear the lunch line is really a cannibal plot to fatten people up,” Susyn added.

Carter continued his gesticulation. “Not until people wake up and see the truth!” he yelled. Turning to the line of people leaving the bloodmobile with choc’late chips and juice, he continued: “Are you happy with yourselves? You’ve sold yourself to the nosferatu overlords for cookies! Bloodwhores, all of you.”

“That’s just sad,” Susyn muttered to Mellany. “Just do your best to ignore him.”

Turning to the bloodmobile itself, Carter rolled up his sleeves and held his wrists forward. “Bet you’d love to get what’s in here, wouldn’t you? Full of AB positive, the vampire special reserve! Bloodsucking freaks!”

Inside the driver’s cabin of the bloodmobile, on the right side of UV-screening tinted windows, Count von Saugen glanced outside. “What’s all the fuss about?”

“Just another wacko,” said Archduke Bluttrinker. “Here, try this glass of B negative. It’s a 1989 vintage with excellent color and bouquet.”

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July 23, 2012

From “The Society for the Creation and Dissemination of Conspiracy Theories” by Hui Beyers

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“All right, I officially call the Society for the Creation and Dissemination of Conspiracy Theories to order,” said One. “As you can see in your agenda, first we have some status updates about the theories that were specifically discussed at our last meeting. Two?”

Two stood and read from a paper. “Since the last meeting, we’ve seen strong growth in the number of believers in our previously moribund Electric Car Suppression Conspiracy and Water Fluoridation as Vector for Evil Conspiracy. Increases are in the area of five to ten percent.”

“Impressive,” said Four from the other side of the table. “I take it that the steps you took were successful?”

“Never underestimate the effect of a few good websites and ‘independent’ documentary films,” said Two.

“Excellent. We also have a progress report coming on some of the new theories that were mooted at the last meeting,” One said. “Ten?”

“We’ve gotten decent traction on the Zombie Apocalypse Is Coming But Governments Are Suppressing It Conspiracy,” said Ten. “We were able to pounce on some serendipitous news stories and spin them as Three and Seven suggested.”

“And the other?”

Ten shook his head. “Uptake on the Cats Are Plotting To Kill Us All conspiracy has been rather low, which my sources attribute either to widespread positive consensus among cat haters and widespread cat ownership among cat lovers. The only appreciable success has been in the Middle East, where 3 out of 10 people now believe that stray cats are being used by the Mossad for spying.”

One smiled. “Always good in a pinch, that Mossad. Try spreading around the real-world results of Operation Acoustic Kitty to see if we can’t get that up to 7 out of 10.”

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