May 28, 2011

From “The Snooze Button of Gotul” by Dewey R. Swanson

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

Nevertheless, out of all the Great Cosmic Beings who ruled the earth in the Darkened Ages Past, it was Gotul who attracted the most interest. Gotul, He-Who-Sleeps-In-Darkness, was the primary Being mentioned in the ancient sources, and the one to which the various cults which tended to arise often devoted themselves.

In the old days, when the cultists vanished, it was ascribed to a variety of causes. Perhaps He-Who-Sleeps-In-Darkness had taken his faithful to the paradise of nonbeing where he was reputed to reside. Perhaps his wrath had been invoked and he had destroyed the flies that buzzed about him. Perhaps the cultists had found their supplications unanswered and had moved on to more lucrative yet still evil endeavors, such as law practice or civil service.

That ambiguity had the natural effect of encouraging another cult to sprout up, once collective memory had selectively forgotten the worst parts of the story and the occasional bloody torsos that remained behind. As such, when the latest Cult of Gotul arose in the 1970’s, its disappearance on March 23, 1976 was accompanied by a press release on behalf of Gotul issued by Featherby, Brooke & Whitmire:

“Please cease any and all attempts to contact, raise, or invoke Gotul, also known as He-Who-Sleeps-In-Darkness or Foremost-Among-Great-Cosmic-Beings. He is, as his name suggests, very sleepy and would prefer to remain asleep and unmolested in retirement. Those who disregard this warning do so at the risk of being subject to an automatic Ritual of Rending Annihilation. Gotul reminds would-be cultists that the reality of the Darkness would rend in twain the sanity of any mortal who beholds it, and suggests devotees find a less overwhelmingly fatal outlet for their spiritual energies.”

 

May 27, 2011

From “Galactic Exchanged” by C. Jude Chen

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

The fact that the Exchange is, well, totally and completely illegal makes things a bit tricky as far as compensation is concerned. Electronic currencies can be tracked: even though the Exchange’s network is not connected to the hypernets, investigators are always sticking probes and eavesdroppers of all sorts in our business.

So everything is done in cash or barter, probably one of the only places around where that’s still true. The fuzz can only tell that someone converted their currency to cash, not what they bought with it. That lends a nice air of plausible deniability that keeps business booming for sentients from 113 official polities and dozens of unofficial ones.

Guess who gets to convert all those currencies into Exchange scrip, by hand?

“I need forty Confederate Riyals in scrip!”

“How much can I get for seven Commonwealth Bits?”

“Why does the sign say no transactions of more than twenty-five Ethereal Shekels are allowed? All I have is fifty!”

“My ten thousand Planetary Suzeranity Units are only worth two Exchange scrips?”

“I need eighteen Violet Republic Talents changed, even though our glorious and beloved Republic is only recognized by a single independent asteroid!”

 

May 26, 2011

From “The Pizza Catch” by Quig B. McWhalen

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , |
Leave a Comment 

There was only one catch and that was the Pizza Catch, which specified that no matter how much concern for one’s fellow eaters’ culinary requests, the person who ordered the pizzas would always order several with their favorite toppings. They were always toppings which no one in their right mind would ever like: anchovies and olives, onions and egg whites, marshmallows and bell peppers. Yet every gathering would have 2-3 such monstrosities, and the person who ordered them, unable to comprehend that their deviant choices weren’t widely shared, would eat a single slice and refuse to take any home.

No matter how fervently I argued time and again that cheese or pepperoni pizzas had the best statistical chance of pleasing the most people, the Pizza Catch would come into effect. People would duel over the single pepperoni pie while the three boxes of olive, onion, Canadian bacon, and pop tart pizza would lie untouched save a single slice. If you ordered the pizza, you enjoyed mutant toppings but refused to eat them–a paradox worthy of Yossarian. I was usually hampered in my quest to be the orderer by the fact that I was flat broke and relying on other peoples’ generosity, but the Pizza Catch was such that even if I did manage it, I wound up with a crowd of vegan and fruitarian eaters, who weren’t crazy about the thousands of innocent wheat stalks killed for their meal and certainly wouldn’t countenance anything as barbaric as cheese.

 

May 25, 2011

From “Galloping Hooves in the Distance” by Jordan Iverson Peers

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

“People disappear all the time, especially in Manhattan,” I said. “What makes you think it wasn’t some unregistered Sphynx strangling and eating him in an alleyway?”

“Well, for one, a member of the Dakeg royal family is always accompanied by a bodyguard,” Aria said. “They’ve disappeared too.”

“I read about that,” I said, pointing to the open encyclopedia on my desk. I usually keep it out of sight, as clients tend to get spooked if they suspect I’ve ever read anything longer than a Moxie label. “He’s supposed to be accompanied by a troop of the Galloping Hooves Heavy Cavalry at all times.”

“C’mon, Mitch,” Aria said. “You think a dozen minotaurs from the O’Downl tribe in full dress uniforms armed with ceremonial but fully functional musket-axes are the kind of subtlety you need to move about unnoticed in this town?”

I shrugged. “Ever been on the square at midnight on New Year’s?”

“Dammit, I don’t need you being flip about this! A Dakeg is missing along with six mujina bodyguards, and I’m letting you in on the ground floor.”

 

May 24, 2011

From “50° S 100° W” by Jeanette C. Delgado

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , |
[2] Comments 

The men conferred. “Says her name is Sei Iwashi, but the prints match one Joanna Suzuki from the Bay Area.”

“An alias?”

“Makes sense considering the reports we had of illicit activity. Let’s give it a go.”

Reynolds and Melick entered the room again. Sei still nervously fingered the smoldering cigarette in her hand but seemed to have composed herself. “I heard what you were saying,” she muttered. “It’s a nickname, not an alias. It’s very funny if you speak both Norwegian and Japanese.”

Reynolds glanced at Melick. “I see,” he said. “Good to know. You feeling a bit more cooperative now?”

“It’s like I said when they brought me in,” said Sei, lighting a fresh coffin nail with the butt of another. “My team hired the boat out of San Francisco. We went out to test ultra-sensitive hydrophones and a custom-made deep-sea ROV we’d developed in association with the University of Baja California Sur and Pelagica Corporation. They underwrote it, but it was an entirely independent, private venture in international waters.”

Melick made a show of taking notes on his pad, even though Reynolds could see he was only tracing a series of loopy lines. “And how exactly were you going to test your headphones and robot slave?” he asked.

“Deficiencies in your terminology aside,” said Sei, “we were going to test them by searching for the source of the Bloop.”

Reynolds put on his bad-cop face. “Are you making fun of us, Ms. Iwashi-Suzuki-whatever? Because if you are, I strongly advise you to reconsider. You are here because we have universal jurisdiction in this matter, and we can hold you almost indefinitely as a pirate if we’ve a mind to.”

Sei glared at her interrogators. “It’s NOAA’s term, not mine. They detected an underwater sound in 1997, one so loud it could be heard clearly over 5000 klicks away, with hydrophones they installed to detect Soviet submarines. They traced it to about 50° S 100° W and took to calling it the Bloop, since that’s more or less what it sounds like. It’s been heard a few times since then, but NOAA and the Navy were never interested in investigating. It was an opportunity to test our equipment and maybe make the headlines, and we took it.”

“Mmm-hmm,” Reynolds said, still in bad-cop mode. “And you expect us to believe that poking around with a microphone and a robot led to the disappearance of your entire crew?”

 

May 23, 2011

From “Ethereal Ages” by Noah M. Powell

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , |
1 Comment 

“Our history is…complex,” said the Ethereal. “It tends to happen when your civilization exists in fifteen timelines and seventeen dimensions simultaneously.”

“Well, just give me a rundown of the last few…times. You know, get my feet wet.”

“Well, right now my people are experiencing the Cosmic Age, a time of prosperity and renewal in which we are seeking to contact other beings.”

“Fair enough.”

“Before that came the Withering Time, when all our accomplishments as beings were laid low and we were reduced to mindless physical husks restricted to only seven combined dimensions and timelines. It was brought about by the collapse of the previous epoch, the Age of Golden Vices.”

“What made that happen?”

“The groundwork was laid in the Wholesome Age of Moons, when we experimented with tying our essences to satellites. The Myconid Implosion showed the folly of that line of thinking. The Corrupted Age of the Heretics immediately preceding it was to blame, since they had spurned any and all physicality.”

“I…see. and before that?”

“The Aeon of the Device,” the Ethereal said, making a reverent gesture (or at least appearing to).

“What was the Device?”

“We do not speak of it with outsiders!”

 

May 22, 2011

From “A Vyaeh Manual of Arms” by Bernard S. Roberts

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , |
Leave a Comment 

Quatrain the First:
In order to become a true warrior, one must first learn what it is to be vulnerable and weak. Only by proving oneself in the face of a superior opponent may one then understand the minds of those who wage hopeless battles.

Quatrain the Second:
As strength grows, one must find ways to exploit the weaknesses of the enemy while concealing and overcoming one’s own. Strike from behind; attack unceasingly without mercy; close rapidly. A weapon is little use beyond a club once the enemy is grappled with.

Quatrain the Third:
Only when one has shown courage in hand to hand fighting may one begin to attack from a distance. To rely on this is cowardly; to employ it is noble. Use the same tactics from a distance, and concealment or surprise become all the easier.

Quatrain the Fourth:
The final step along the path sees you stronger than many of your adversaries. Do not neglect what you have learned, for overconfidence is the most deadly sort of foolishness. Strike from afar, strike with blazing speed, and your enemies will know pain.

Quatrain the Fifth:
Those that are truly Honored spurn the weapons and equipment of their brothers in arms, for they know that true strength, true victory, comes from will alone. They have the strength of will to face any adversary on their own terms; do you?

 

May 21, 2011

From “A Series of Surreal Amphibians” by Levi Paris Schroeder

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

Frogfly
Avius Anuran

This strange creature appears to be at least semi-intelligent and is often mischievous, though rarely malicious. They have been known to steal small items from intruders, and to set simple snares designed to deter intrusion into their habitat in temperate forests. The frogfly fuses small leaves into small cups to collect dew, and lays its eggs in the ensuing tiny pools. The call of the frogfly is noteworthy for being far higher and slower than terrestrial frogs, and it has often been mistaken for human laughter…

Frog O’Lantern
Curcurbita Anuran

Found primarily in squash fields, the Frog O’Lantern has evolved a thick carapace to mimic natural gourds and feast on the bugs that inhabit them.

“The curcurbita anuran itself does not glow, but forms a symbiotic relationship with bioluminescent bacteria that shine around its eyes and mouth during mating season, which is typically late October. Studies indicate that the relative brightness of the glow plays a part in courtship, though this is currently unverified.” – Dr. Phineas Phable

Volksphibian
Veedubyus Anuran

One of the major causes of swamp pollution. Some would have us beleive that this is a light truckphibian, but this is simply not the case. Be very wary; Volksphibian kidnappings are not unheard of. Once you get in, there’s no telling where you’ll end up.

Clockwork Frog
Beethovus Anuran

This normally-motionless amphibian springs to life when you wind it, gears spinning and churning on its back.

“Beware that it doesn’t unload a bit of the old ultrahopping on you.” – Anonymous

Frogcat
Felis Anuran

A rare breed of amphibimammal, the Frogcat inhabits extremely limited areas of western Michigan. Identifiable by its distinctive cry (“croew” or “meak”), it is a reclusive animal that shuns contact with all but selected homo sapiens, frogs, and felines. Extremely intelligent, but also quite shy. Sightings should be reported to your local DNR at once.

Hourglass Frog
Tempus Frogit Anuran

Refines naturally-occurring chroniton particles from its diet of swamp much and high-powered quantum neutrino fields. Approach with extreme caution.

“Near the edge of all things
In the Swamplands of Time
A curious creature sings
Without reason or rhyme

The Hourglass Frog
Bounds through the grass
Dimly through the fog
You’ll hear it pass

From it shy away
And do not disturb
For a high price you’ll pay
If it you perturb

The sands inside it
Reverse their fall
And within a moment
You were never born at all”
–Traditional

 

May 20, 2011

From “The Weeping King” by Shaw D. E. Russell

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , |
Leave a Comment 

In time, the kingdom was forgotten and its people dispersed or driven off. Through it all, the Weeping King remained on his throne–unable to leave, unable to die.

The rich waters surrounding the kingdom became a vast and arid sea, littered with the hulks of sunken or abandoned ships preserved by the hot, dry air. No rain ever falls there, and the many leagues of sand lack even a single oasis. All who have sought to cross it have run out of water and been forced to turn back…or died among the dunes.

At the center of the sandsea lie the only water, deep carved moats that are the only remnants of the great city that once flourished on the island. These pools of sorrow are said to be fed from the Weeping King’s tears, and many hold that a wanderer who somehow crossed the arid sea would find themselves replenished thereby.

The pools ring a vast and ruined keep, long forgotten even by its builders. This forgotten keep was once the dwelling place of the Weeping King, and is as an oasis, overrun with life that has been stained by the dark sins of an entire people. It’s said one risks being torn to pieces by horrors only dimly reminiscent of the royal garden and menagerie from whence they sprung.

Beneath it all..the magnificent sepulcher prepared by the Weeping King himself, before death no longer held dominion over his mortal life. Scholars hold that he rests in his tomb to this day, ever living, and ever watchful for intruders.

 

May 19, 2011

From “Refugees from the Edit Wars” by Myrna Graham Stephens

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , |
Leave a Comment 

Editing Omnipedia was, for me, a gateway into a much wider world: a world of pedantry, nitpickery, teapot tempests, molehill mountains, and vicious olog-hai trolls.

This was seldom noticeable at the surface level, aside from the occasional contradictions in spelling, form, and content that one would expect from an encyclopedia people made up out of whatever happened to be within arm’s reach of their computer. No, to get to the real juicy meat of the Omnipedia, you had to look at discussion pages, where people fought each other WWI-style over anything and everything.

Names and spellings were particular bones of contention, especially when there was a choice of American or British varieties. Being a former history geek, I would have been more apt to side with the British had their beloved spellings and words not been so hilariously quaint (subjectively, of course, but such was the case to the other people squabbling over it).

We’re all used to British spellings and their use of superfluous and supernumary letters, but it was the battles over vocabulary that were truly intense. Should it be called ping-pong or whiff-whaff, for instance? The sillier the words, the more passionate the argument:

“We should call them thumbtacks!”

“The accepted Commonwealth term is fidgy-divots!”

“I’m from Austrailia and we call them swopdobbers or swoppies!”

“In Canada we spell it theumbetacke!”

 

« Previous Page — Next Page »