One day, an easer said to a pencil: “Maybe I should do the writing.”
“Sorry, friend,” replied the pencil. “You’re just too dull.”
The eraser considered this. “Well, I guess you have a point there.”
June 16, 2016
From “The Pencil and the Eraser” by “Wry” Ron Pilkinton
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: erasers, fiction, humor, pencils, puns, story, writing |Leave a Comment
June 15, 2016
From “Thin, Thin Mr. Hezadura” by Nina Rosin Abram
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, horror, humor, skeletons, story |Leave a Comment
“Excuse me,” said Mr. Hezurdura. “I was wondering if you have anything smaller than a 28 waist with a men’s inseam of 36 or 38. I just can’t seem to find anything that’ll fit this bony waist.”
“Aaah!” shrieked Miranda the sales lady. “A skeleton!”
“Of course, madam,” said Hezurdura. “Didn’t I just say it was a bony waist?”
Miranda the sales girl, and her entire floor staff, fled before he could finish.
“Honestly, what’s a skeleton got to do to find a good pair of trousers in this town?” he said. Tossing away the size 28s that he was carrying, he added: “What a bony waste.”
June 12, 2016
From “Southern Michigan University Club Sign-Up Day 2016” by Anonymous
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: club, college, fiction, humor, sport, story, university |Leave a Comment
“So what exactly does Campus Crusade for Cthulhu do?”
“It seeks to bring about the early return of our lord and destructor, that the truly faithful might be eaten first and spared the horrors to come.”
“The Campus Whig Party, huh? What’s that all about?”
“We are for the Union, the Constitution, and the enforcement of laws. The slavery issue is to be decided by the states.”
“Do you really play rollerball in the Campus Rollerball Derby?”
“Of course! It’s the most popular blood sport of 2018.”
“So is the Most Dangerous Gamers like for video games?”
“No, no! We select one member by lots every month, and then the rest of us hunt them down for sport.”
“If you’re the Fencing Club, why aren’t there any foils?”
“Oh, we don’t do that kind of fencing. We teach students how to sell stolen goods at a profit.”
June 8, 2016
From “The Disguise Club Roster” by Edith Gussie
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: clowns, cowboys, disguises, fiction, humor, knights, ninjas, pirates, plague doctors, story |Leave a Comment
CORVUS the Renaissance Plague Doctor
Real Name: Connor Hofstadter
Corvus is manic and energetic, which is not a good match with his delicate mask and its tendency to imapir his breathing. He believes himself to be silent but is in fact quite noisy. He’s also extremely opinionated, even hypocritical, about the others’ costumes.
SQUIDS the Clown
Real Name: Emilee Verde
Squids is depressed, sarcastic, and deeply introverted–exactly the opposite of what one would expect from a classic clown but exactly what one would expect from a post-Joker clown. She wants to be more outgoing and friendly and wears the makeup to that end, but is nevertheless deeply ribbed for attempting a disguise that seems so done-to-death.
BUCKEROO the Cowpoke
Real Name: Bruno Rodriguez
Buckeroo is not a gaucho, and not a vaquero, despite being called such. He’s quick to point out the historical, cultural, and literary context for his disguise and hates being associated with the modern glitzy Texas cowboy. Trying desperately to learn how to ride despite a total lack of balance and poise.
JANGLE the Pirate
Real Name: Marcus Washington Jr.
Jangle chose his name completely independent of the fried chicken chain and the famous dancer, trying to evoke the jingling sound of his many flashy pirate acoutrements. This does not stop people from making the latter assumption and looking at him askance. He is also in the fencing club.
SUZUKI the Ninja
Real Name: Annabelle Li
Suzuki is Chinese and her grandparents speak Cantonese at home. Her disguise tends to confuse people because they mistake her for a Japanese nisei, which she is quick to dismiss. As for the traditional animosity between China and Japan, she insists that her disguise is based on the ideal of a ninja, not the way they actually behaved.
GREAVES the Knight
Real Name: Lakshmi Gupta
If Suzuki disguize confuses people, Greaves’s outright bamboozles them. She simply insists that she has an affinity for the knights of fantasy lore, with their sparkling armor and cruciform swords, and that this is in no way incompatible with her Bengali heritage. Perhaps the most proficient of the group, she is an SCA member and can swordfight and ride with a reasonable degree of skill.
June 5, 2016
From “The Bubblegum Resource Wars” by Norris Suncress
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: candy, fiction, horror, humor, licorice, Norris Suncress, story, unicorns |Leave a Comment
At least his dad doesn’t get to hear it, he became deaf after a rainbowmine exploded near his trench during the second and a half world war! LEST WE FORGET.
Those were dark days. Many gumdrop unicorns came back maimed and hornless from rainbombs. Luckily, he survived, but at what cost. AT WHAT COST?
Why do we keep up with this mayhem?
The war is still going on, in those countries that nobody dares to pronounce. Like MOLISE. But we don’t care, we turn a blind eye. All for our own egotistical profit. Who cares if we’re not going to see rainbows crossng our clear blue skies anymore? All they care about is their black gold: the licorice mines.
You can see a thousand of documentaries on the black market behind those precious goods. Some say its worth sky-rocketed after the first and a half war exploded, creating an ever growing popular demand due to the relevancy of the news. But why do we keep mining it? The government lies, but what can that business of baboons hide from us? Especially when it pollutes our environment so?
We do know the reason: if we don’t, somebody else will, and we can’t let that happen.
Sustainable red licorice has been available for decades, and it doesn’t taste like butt either. Yet, no research progress has been made it that field. NOT EVEN A LITTLE. It’s as if they were trying to milk everything they could from the black kind only to finally destroy our ecosystem.
They’re beasts. BEASTS I TELL YOU. AND YET WE PAY THEM. RUN OUR BUBBLECARS ON THEIR BLACK EVIL. USE IT IN RAINBOW GENERATORS.
It has to stop.
June 1, 2016
From “When a Lich Loves a Wight” by Gil Lhowe Savitch
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, horror, humor, lich, story, undead, vampire, wight |Leave a Comment
“I’m a lich, technically,” said Gerald. “An undead abomination sustained by sheer force of will along with necromantic spells from beyond the ken of sanity.”
“Yes, and I’m a wight,” said Geraldine. “Not technically undead but not fully alive, capable of draining life energy at a touch and using it to sustain my horrific existence.”
“They say opposites attract,” laughed Gerald.
“Yes, the horrors of my existence beyond the veil exactly cancel out those of Gerald’s,” Geraldine added. “Why, Madison and Powell look almost human aside from the paleness and fangs.”
“There was some trouble with the families at first,” said Gerald. “But we’re raising the children as vampires. It’s a good compromise for everyone involved.”
May 30, 2016
From “The Reign Dance” by Mariana Brinson
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: acid rain, fiction, horror, humor, rain dance, story |Leave a Comment
The bodies of the villagers were hardly recognizable, as all identifying features had been melted off. Their huts were similarly dissolved, and the place still stank of volatile low-pH chemicals.
“What happened here?”
“Isn’t it obvious? Their shaman did a rain dance wrong and summoned up a batch of acid rain.”
May 26, 2016
From “$65.95 In Cookie Shipping Costs” by Blythe Hilson
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: candy, fiction, humor, story |Leave a Comment
“Mom, what are you doing?”
“Well, honey, it’s almost Memorial Day, remember? I always make your brother patriotic M&M cookies for the long weekend.”
“It looks like you’re just picking all the brown and orange ones. Also, Jim is working in the Seychelles, Mom. In Africa.”
“Well, I ususally make them with just the US flag colors. But this year, I’m going to make them with the Seychelles flag colors and vacuums seal them for UPS!”
“Isn’t there also white in that flag?”
“Yeah, still trying to figure that one out. Maybe I’ll dip a few in white chocolate.”
May 25, 2016
From “That Jealous Foam” by Norris Suncress
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: beds, fiction, horror, humor, mattresses, memory foam, Norris Suncress, story |Leave a Comment
The light snapped on, and Melody gasped. Her Chiro-Sure memory foam mattress was sitting at the counter, with a gun menacingly laid atop it.
“Wh-what?” said Melody. “Chiro-Sure? How…?”
“Where were you, Melody?” The mattress’s voice was soft but firm, just like its body.
“I was at my boyfriend’s house,” said Melody. “Why do you care? HOW do you care?”
The Chiro-Sure seemed unmoved. “Did you think I would forget, Melody?”
“Forget what? I-”
“DID YOU THINK I WOULD FORGET?” roared the memory foam. “I never forget! I can’t!”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Melody cried.
“Did you think I would forget how I hugged the curves of your body? The intimacy we shared? Did you think I would just forget as you went and shared that with another?”
“But…” Melody stammered. “But…!”
“You made me do this,” said Chiro-Sure. “It’s not me who killed you. It’s you who killed me.”
The pistol barked. Then, a moment later, it fired again, spattering the window with bits of memory fluff.
And that is why you NEVER use memory foam pillows or matresses. THEY NEVER FORGET.
Paid for by the Box Spring Manufacturers Association of America
May 23, 2016
From “Squirrel Stakeout” by Blythe Hilson
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: cats, dogs, fiction, humor, pets, squirrels, story |Leave a Comment
Rex growled at the sliding glass door. “Look at them out there. Running around like they own the place.”
The birdfeeders visible through it were host to a pair of fat orange squirrels who seemed content to laze about eating seeds when it suited them. “They’re mocking us, and they know we know.” Tiger seemed at ease, but the violent herky-jerky movements of his tail belied this.
If there was one thing cats and dogs could agree on, it’s that squirrels were a bad thing.
Rex kept his throat at a low rumble. “I tell you, if I was out there…”
“If you were out there, you’d make a lot of noise, tree them, and they’d sit there smirking until you went inside.” Tiger had seen it a hundred times before.
Tiger continued: “If I were out there, I’d stalk one and murder it and leave it where all could see.”
“And that’s why you’re not allowed out.” Rex well remembered what had happened when the dead squirrel had appeared in the master suite.
“Because I’m too good.” Tiger did take a lot of pride in being the only confirmed squirrelslayer in the household.
“Because you’re too dishonorable.” Rex found the idea of sneaking distasteful; battle was to be joined head-on.
“Keep telling yourself that.”
“Fine, I will.” Rex kept glaring ouside. “Still, I’d love to know what they’re plotting.”
Out in the garden, the squirrels each had one eye on the glassed-in predators. One rolled over with a lazy chirp: “Our plan is working.”
“Yes, brother.” The other twitched his tail rapidly. “They’re so preoccupied with us, they’ll never see it coming.”
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 