June 23, 2014

From “Failing the Nichol Robo-Dinosaur Test” by Blanche DeLois

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

The Nichol test, named after famed gadfly and author S. Beadle Nichol, is a simple measure of a film’s stupidity and pandering to the basest animal parts of the human brain. Nichol laid out several scenarios that could lead to a film “failing” the test, though the most well-known criteria was (and is) that a passing film may not contain a sword-wielding robot riding a dinosaur.

Critics have long maintained that this is a restrictive criterion, and that many films simply take place in milieus in which robots, swords, and dinosaurs are simply more likely to appear. They cite massively profitable and genre-defining films, like Technosaurus (1977), and films with strong positive dinosaur models who are nevertheless incidentally ridden by sword-bearing robots, like The Passion of Mecha-Annie (1988).

Nevertheless, and despite Nichol’s well-publicized ambivalence on the matter, the Nichol test continues to be used. The latest film to fail the Nichol test, Transfourmers IV: Extinct By Dawn, is perhaps notable as the first to fail based solely on its poster, which features a prominent sword-wielding robot riding a dinosaur, albeit one in a pose which the producers have described as “empowering.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

June 16, 2014

From “12.7mm Armor-Piercing Accountancy” by Ian “Perro” McRig

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

“In civilian life,” said Lt. Darrow, “he was an accountant, if you can believe it. He never talks about it, though.”

“How do you know Lt. Ringo was an accountant if he never talks about it?” Maj. Stubb asked.

Lt. Ringo’s plane circled around for a landing, displaying brilliant nose art of a tax form firing a machine gun labeled Internal Audit.

“I figured it out somehow,” said Lt. Darrow drily.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

June 15, 2014

From “Happy Father’s Day, Dreadfather Ctathul” by Julius Darewright

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

Today marks the tenth anniversary of what has become an annual tradition in our community, the Dreadfather’s Day Picnic in Glover Park. For those who have avoided the dreammist fumes and shrieks of the insane that routinely surround the park during the celebration, this Father’s Day event honors the Grand Aged One Ctathul the Dreadfather, foremost of the Eldest Entities who held sway over the world when terrestrial life was mere shapeless protoplasm in the primordial seas.

“Days and dates are meaningless to dead, eternal Ctathul, consort of Rnyugnatlath, master of Holaak-Hliqu, who lays in bitter slumber beyond the ken of mortals and immortals alike,” says Iznarna the Gibbering, a middle-aged Ctathulspawn at today’s gathering. “However, they are useful to mortals and near mortals as reminders of Ctathul’s part in our lineage, his coming return, and the one hundred million years of horror it presages.”

“Father’s Day is of no intrinsic meaning to our Dreadfather, it is true,” says Jaobsob, the Thing in Yellow. A hunchbacked, skeletal figure in a tattered yellow robe wearing a featureless pallid mask to conceal uncountable otherworldly eyes surrounded by writhing tentacles like screaming maggots, he (?) is the most senior representative of Cthathul present at today’s ceremony. “However, by combining our energies, we Ctathulspawn, Ctathultouched, and Ctathulcurious are able to stretch and tear the fabric of space and sanity in a way that the Dreadfather would surely approve of,” Jaobsob adds in a voice that is as the sound of distant children screaming in fear.

Today’s schedule of Father’s Day festivities includes a three-legged race, a blood sacrifice led by High Acolyte M’Drevre, a potluck of casserole and freshly-spilt human intestine, immature Riw-Jawj rides for the children, a mass moulting ceremony for Ctathulspawn ready to join their community as full horors, and speeches by noted pro Ctathul radio personalities V’Manean & Z’Qerier from KTHU’s Gibbering Gibbous Mornings.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

June 14, 2014

From “The Y65K Problem” by Ed “0100010101100100″ Stevens

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

“So, tell me about the problem. Shouldn’t issues of this sort be a thing of the past now that humankind has evolved into beings of pure energy?”

“Well, 0100000101101100,” said 0100010101100100, “as I’m sure you’re aware thanks to the fact that our species now shares a quasi-hive-mind in which all that is knowable is instantly embraced and shared, 65536 is the highest integer that a can be stored as a 16-bit number. In the Dark Ages of Flesh, there was a similar problem when bit conservation in the early and expensive days of computing meant that years were stored as two numbers, which caused a problem when the year 2000, or the year Singularity -34478 in our current dating system, rolled around.”

“But surely there must be virtually unlimited space for holding date information in current systems,” said 0100000101101100, raw energy crackling across its spherical surface in surprise.

“You’d think so, wouldn’t you?” laughed 0100010101100100. “But believe it or not, all existing computer systems still rely on the Intel x86 architecture at their base level, since there has never been a meaningful need to change.”

“Are you telling me, and saying that I actually already know, that our entire enlightened utopia of energy is actually based on a 65,000-year-old physical microchip from 1978 (Singularity -34500)?” 0100000101101100 cried.

0100010101100100 wobbled in an archaic gesture of agreement. “Yes.”

“So what happens on New Year’s Day 65536 (Singularity 29052)?” asked 0100000101101100.

“Our utopia, way of life, and consciousnesses die a screaming death,” said 0100010101100100.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

June 13, 2014

From “Sketchy Girls” by Kyle S. Gritsch

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , |
Leave a Comment 

So, as many a starving artist has done in their darkest hours, I went into the sketchy part of town looking for sketchy girls.

“Hey there, sailor,” said one, who was nothing more than circles drawn over a rough framework below the waist, only partly detailed and colored. “Wanna finish me?”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

June 11, 2014

From “Amish Cheerleaders” by Jacelyn “Bali Mojo” Marina

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , |
Leave a Comment 

CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and we are live at the National High School Varsity Cheerleading Championships, simulcast on NBS Sports 2, pom~pom.com, and Hajji al-Janābah TV in the Kingdom of Hejaz.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, wondering what sort of sins you and I must have committed in our previous lives to draw such an assignment.

CARL: It’s the off-season; we do what we must to pay the mortgage and the alimony, and our chatter lends an air of authenticity to what many regard as a quasi-sport. And are you saying that you’re uncomfortable watching 1800 18-year-olds doing acrobatics in attire best described as “risqué business?”

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Not for any physical defect these finely sculpted, starved, and surgery’d beauties might exhibit, but rather because watching their cavalcade of toned gams makes me feel like a dirty old man peering into the ladies’ locker room through a knothole.

CARL: In that case, Tom, you’re in luck: our next squad up after the Hopewell High Cheering Grizzlies is the Lancaster County Consolidated Rural School District’s Solemn Adherents. As you can see, the entire school district is made up of Old Order Amish, but that hasn’t stopped their team, the Passive Solemn Adherents, from making it all the way to state five times in the past 20 years.

TOM: That’s right Carl, it would be hard to mistake those starched bonnets and homespun dresses for the miniskirts and flying buttress blouses favored by the other competitors. I see some concessions to modernity though: the dresses are dark purple rather than flat black, have the LCCRSD logo and Peaceful Cornhusker mascot cross-stitched on, and the dresses are a full, and scandalous, one inch shorter than usual.

CARL: We might see some flashes of ankle, Tom.

TOM: That’s right Carl, we might.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

June 7, 2014

From “The Infernal Origin of Oatmeal Raisin Cookies” by Joline Knoth

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

It is well known that the fallen Dark Lord Muolih is and has always been incapable of creation ex nihilo unlike his sire and target of his ire the Creator. As such, he has only ever been able to alter or to copy, never to create. This is best known as the origin of the Gobs, created in imitation of and opposition to the Fairies of the Creator, and hence why said Gobs are known for their suicidal self-loathing.

But it not wholly in the area of life itself that the Dark Lord Muolih found himself unable to craft anything that was not a vile mockery of the Creator’s efforts. In an attempt to recreate the sumptuous and heavenly feasts at the table of Cubaeh, Muolih sought to give his chief chef Phonru (a fallen being who had once served Gyfeil the Gourmand) recipes worthy of the Creator’s table. In this effort he failed; Muolih’s concoctions as realized by Phonru were edible, even nourishing, but they were never more than hollow and dark echoes of the delights heaping the table of Cubaeh.

The most notable, and notorious, creation of Muolih in this regard was his attempt to craft a chocolate chip cookie. Said cookies were foremost among the fancies of Gyfeil the Gourmand and touched directly by the Creator; Muolih’s efforts to craft his own were a dismal failure. And so came into being oatmeal raisin cookies, made by the Dark Lord in envy and mockery of chocolate chip cookies much as he made Goblins in envy and mockery of the Fairies.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

June 6, 2014

From “Barbacuendo” by Babeu Conrad

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , |
Leave a Comment 

“I love it, I’m a fanatic, but I’m also picky. I don’t like any of that dry stuff. If I’m going to slobber all over it, it had better be wetter than a monsoon rainstorm with sauce. Don’t even get me started on Memphis Dry Rub–no way, no how. The meat’s got to be just the right mix of tender and tough, and bone-in. There isn’t a bone in there, I’m not sticking your meat in my mouth. The best kinds, the very best kinds, you roll around in your mouth and taste for days afterwards.”

“…we are talking about barbecue, right?”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

June 4, 2014

From “The Photoshop Conspiracy” by Ryan S. Picco

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

“This is just laughable,” said the editor of the Hopewell Democrat-Tribune.

“But it’s true!” cried Shaw. “I was abducted by aliens, and here’s photographic proof!” He slapped the photograph on the editor’s desk for added emphasis.

“Yeah, you Photoshopped this,” said the editor. “Look at the gradient on that alien’s skin! All that pixelation! And that pattern–you obviously found something you like and then used the clone tool to put it everywhere. This is day one stuff, kid, and I’ve been around photographs a lot longer than you.”

“I didn’t Photoshop it! I swear!”

The editor tossed the prints at Shaw, landing them on the floor instead. “Yeah, well good luck getting anyone to believe that with an alien looking so Photoshopped.”

From their cloaked observation frigate a half-mile above the city, Subcommander Ltwy Pqffyz and Majordomo Gfwfif Snpyt of the Azqhfs Invasion Fleet watched the unfolding scene with glee.

“Yet another example of our solid pre-invasion planning,” said Ltwy Pqffyz, its skin shaded like a bad gradient.

“Yes, by inventing Photoshop and seeding it among the humans, we have guaranteed that no sighting of our forces will ever be taken seriously,” agreed Gfwfif Snpyt, who was covered with repeating, pixelated patterns that looked like a grievous misuse of a clone tool.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

May 28, 2014

From “Jolly Rogered” by Jerry Goodell

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

I always thought that reports of piracy were exaggerated.

But that was before I was overtaken and boarded by a 1976 Chevy pickup flying the Jolly Roger.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

« Previous Page — Next Page »