In time, though, all douches will eventually feel the great pull of their kind toward their distant homeland. Popped collars will lose their appeal. “Brah” will be uttered less frequently and with greater longing. Beer, bad driving, and combinations thereof will lose their luster.

Those douches that feel the pull will be inexorable drawn to the far-off island of Novaya Düshensk. They depart there from the Green Cruise Terminal, bound for a land of eternal keg stands and uncrashable Land Rovers.

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It is well known that the fallen Dark Lord Muolih is and has always been incapable of creation ex nihilo unlike his sire and target of his ire the Creator. As such, he has only ever been able to alter or to copy, never to create. This is best known as the origin of the Gobs, created in imitation of and opposition to the Fairies of the Creator, and hence why said Gobs are known for their suicidal self-loathing.

But it not wholly in the area of life itself that the Dark Lord Muolih found himself unable to craft anything that was not a vile mockery of the Creator’s efforts. In an attempt to recreate the sumptuous and heavenly feasts at the table of Cubaeh, Muolih sought to give his chief chef Phonru (a fallen being who had once served Gyfeil the Gourmand) recipes worthy of the Creator’s table. In this effort he failed; Muolih’s concoctions as realized by Phonru were edible, even nourishing, but they were never more than hollow and dark echoes of the delights heaping the table of Cubaeh.

The most notable, and notorious, creation of Muolih in this regard was his attempt to craft a chocolate chip cookie. Said cookies were foremost among the fancies of Gyfeil the Gourmand and touched directly by the Creator; Muolih’s efforts to craft his own were a dismal failure. And so came into being oatmeal raisin cookies, made by the Dark Lord in envy and mockery of chocolate chip cookies much as he made Goblins in envy and mockery of the Fairies.

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