Did you know that every 15 seconds a librarian intellectually starves to death and their library is demolished to make way for a parking lot? Hi, I’m Russell Strathy, and I’m here to talk to you about what you can do today, right now, to help a struggling librarian.

Did you know that for just a few dollars a day you can feed a librarian, like Ms. Smythe here, nourishing books? Or how your simple donations can help a librarian like Mr. Whittaker get the periodicals and microfilm he needs to do his job? Or that, for one day’s coffee money, you could aid a librarian like Ms. Carruthers here to support her 70 cats?

Since 1983, the Charitable Librarian’s Fund has helped librarians, both public and private, with books, periodicals, microforms, and desperately needed cat care. Many librarians around the world still need your help and through the Charitable Librarian’s Fund, you can reach out to one of them through a daily gift of less than the cost of a cup of the expensive fair-trade Stubb’s Coffee (which many libraries now sell to make ends meet).

The good that your coffee money can do for a librarian is worth more than you can imagine; call the toll-free number on your screen right now to learn more about the CLF and becoming a sponsor. You can exchange emails with your sponsored librarian, listen to them grouse about patrons and budget cuts and cats, and experience firsthand the progress you helped make possible. You’ll also receive a copy of the CLF newsletter which explains why your help is needed and offers additional benefits, like information about CLF charitable works and a cat-of-the-month centerfold.

Call now: there is truly no obligation and we will send you all the information you need for you to make your decision. Please, call now, and with a little love your spare change can start to change the life of a librarian forever.

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I found that I could not rid myself of the horrid book, no matter how hard I tried. It continued to record my every action, thought, and word upon its pages as they occurred, in a hand and tone not unlike what I used for my diary. The librarian had warned me of this, but my curiosity and foolishness were now manifest…and I could not bring the text back without angering the Hexagon Library, which is most unwise.

Seeing my entire life’s activity laid out is both intoxicating and horrifying. Perhaps I find myself unable to part with the book because I keep hoping to look forward in its diabolical pages, to see what has yet to happen. I have never been able to do so, but the tantalizing prospect is astonishingly seductive.

But I must have succeeded. I must have, if you are reading this. For I kept no diary, and these words can only be read between the covers of that most dire tome. So I must have rid myself of it for you to be able to read it now.

And that can only mean that my future is laid out for you to read pages on.

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