Officer Caruthers rubbed the back of his head. “Chief Strong has brought in an…outside advisor.”
Detective Gorrister sighed. “Strong and his outside advisors. This isn’t another radio psychic, is it?”
The apartment door nudged open, and a large man waddled in. He was dressed in Lincoln Green, and his greasy dark hair was thin in front and long and flowing in back, as if it were being grown out for a comb-over. “Hardly,” the man said. “Like any expert, I am here because of my overwhelming knowledge of and appreciation for the applicable lore.”
“Sherman Gregward,” Caruthers said. “He helped us out with that hostage situation a few months ago.”
“Please address me by my true name, Sherwood Greg, if you please,” intoned the man. “Collector, scholar, dungeon master, level 24 elven sorceress, head of the Council of Twelve, and overall coordinator for Nerdicon. Pre-registration for Nerdicon ’13 begins next week, and I’ve got plenty of plus ones if anyone’s interested.”
Gorrister gripped the bridge of her nose. “And what, exactly, do you bring to the table, Maid Marion?”
Sherwood Greg walked to a nearby end table and slapped down a thick deck of worn cards. “That’s what I bring to the table,” he said.
“A deck of Magick: Battle of Warlocks cards?” Corruthers snapped. “Tell me you’re joking.”
“You tell me, detective.” The corpulent collector cut the deck and revealed a card called The Multiphase Fleshwalker. It depicted a beautiful woman with one leg and one arm denuded of flesh, drawn in a quasi-realistic fantasy style, with the following text beneath it:
Strength 6/Defense 6
Costs three cornfields to activate
Restore one life to casting warlock
Protect casting warlock from life damage for one turn when rotated
Once rotated, may not be used unless caster rotates an additional six cornfields
“They restore one’s flesh at the cost of their own, and are always looking for a lifeforce to drain to restore the beauty they so desperately crave but never attain.”
“Holy shit,” said Caruthers. “It’s just like the murder.”
Sherwood Greg nodded toward the mutilated corpse behind the two officers. “Looks like someone is desperate to restore their life points,” he said.
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 