HE 20.402:M 52/2/2013
Lykos Lypimenos: What You Need to Know
A publication from the Office of the Shaman General of the United States

1. Lykos lypimenos can be treated
The first thing to understand it that being a lykos lypimenos (or a so-called depression werewolf) is a legitimate medical condition, and treatable with a combination of medication (most often prescription Selenia™) and therapy. It is, however, a much more complex condition than lycanthropy or depression alone, much like bipolar disorder is much more complex than mania or depression on their own.

2. Observation is essential to diagnosis
It’s crucial for your diagnosis to gather as much information as you can about the behavior of the wolf than infected you:

-Were its ears and tail erect?
-Did it growl or just simply whimper?
-Did it bite you proactively, or did you have to force it into a corner first?

3. It’s important to have a supportive environment

While lykos lypimenos sufferers generally spend the full moon too depressed to maul or kill or infect, tending to sleep or watch TV or write poetry during lycanthropic episodes, a supportive environment is still essential. Try some of the following techniques with friends or family:

-Controlled doses of mood-altering drugs like ice cream (not chocolate) or prescription Selenia™
-Tactile stimulation – petting a lykos lypimenos sufferer releases valuable serotonins
-Games of fetch or keep-away with favorite objects
-Heaping sacks of raw or undercooked meat

4. This part has an old poem in it

“Even one who is pure in heart/and says their prayers by night/may become morose when depression blooms/and the moon is full and bright.”

Remember, with early diagnosis, a support network, medication (most often prescription Selenia™), and other treatment strategies, lykos lypimenos sufferers can live rich full lives. All the other options open to lycanthropes, from indiscriminate slaughter to secluded and horrified contemplation, are ultimately attainable!

This pamphlet is an official publication of the Office of the Shaman General of the United States in association with GesteCo Pharmaceuticals, makers of prescription Selenia™, the once-daily pill for mild to severe rheumatoid lycanthropy. Call 1-555-GES-TECO for more information about prescription Selenia™.

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[Soft music plays. A middle-aged MAN in a sport coat is in his kitchen, preparing a meal. He closed his fridge door and addresses the camera.]

MAN: Sometime, you want to get the most out of life. I know I do. But it was becoming difficult to maintain my lifestyle and family life due to my condition, which sometimes left me disabled for hours, sometimes days at a time. But that was before I talked to my doctor about Selenia™.

[The shot changes to a colorful pastel medication box with a beautiful butterfly on it.]

NARRATOR: Selenia™. For your mild to severe rheumatoid lycanthropy.

[A young WOMAN catches a soccer ball from offscreen and laughs.]

WOMAN: My mild to severe rheumatoid lycanthropy made attending my kids’ games an impossibility the day after an attack. The clothing repair and replacement costs were outrageous. And my family had to chain me up in the basement once a month after Uncle Anthony was slain. But no more. Thanks, Selenia™!

[The Selenia™ butterfly glides past her, and continues into a new scene with JAZZ MUSICIAN playing a solo in an intimate club setting.]

JAZZ MUSICIAN: Ever since I was gored by the Were-Razorback of Catullus Parish, my mild to severe rheumatoid lycanthropy has led me to attempt the brutal killing of friends and loved ones at least once a month, and infected dozens if not hundreds of others.

[The Selenia™ butterfly flits around JAZZ MUSICIAN’s head and he smiles.]

JAZZ MUSICIAN: Now I can hit the high notes in style. Thanks, Selenia™!

[The scene shifts between shots of other young, healthy people enjoying strenuous activities with the occasional shot of someone older engaging in a typical retiree task as the Selenia™ butterfly visits them all.]

NARRATOR: If you suffer from mild to severe rheumatoid lycanthropy, ask your doctor if Selenia™ might be right for you. 66% of patients in a double-blind study reported decreases in the length and/or severity of episodes after taking Selenia™. Side effects include irritability, excess body hair, semi-permanent fangs, mange, partial metamorphosis of extremities, chronic halitosis, heartworms, and lifeforce unraveling. Warning: Selenia™ carries some risk of The Blood Death. Do not use Selenia™ if you are on blood thinners or other coronary medications as serious and sometimes fatal episodes of The Blood Death have been reported. Talk to your doctor immediately if you notice any sudden personality changes or sudden cravings for exotic rare meats like emu, as this may be a sign of a rare but serious side effect. Do not use Selenia™ is you are nursing, pregnant, or may become pregnant, as it may cause mothers and offspring to develop Acute Metamorphic Dysplasia (AMD). People who do not suffer from mild to severe rheumatoid lycanthropy must not take Selenia™, as it carries a slight 100% chance of causing the condition in otherwise healthy adults and children interested in becoming adults.

[The Selenia™ butterfly comes to rest on the Selenia™ box.]

MAN, WOMAN, JAZZ MUSICIAN: Thank you, Selenia™!

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