We here at Macrosoft appreciate your business, and your commitment to our ecosystem! We know that if you had a choice you’d probably use a Gaggle cloud OS or a sleek silver Pear iSeed desktop, so we’re glad that you have enough old legacy data that you’re forced to stock with us!

There have been a lot of questions about our new, mandatory upgrade to MacrOS 10. In the interest of open and honest communication, which has always been our policy for everyone but the FTC, here is an official FAQ:

Q: What if my copy of MarcOS 7 works just fine?

A: We realize that you think so, but trust us, MarcOS 10 is way better. To help you see this, we have discontinued support for all previous MarcOS systems.

Q: What if I don’t upgrade by the July 23 deadline?

A: A kill code will be transmitted at 11:59:59 PM on July 23 that will brick all machines running these redacted OSes. All data and hard drive partitions will be lost.

Q: My old computer doesn’t have enough RAM or hard drive space to install MarcOS 10 and/or run it efficiently. What do?

A: Buy a new computer. Macrosoft has a number of attractive licensing deals with manufacturers like Düll and Hackard-Pewlett that will provide you with a free copy of MacrOS 10 along with a full-price purchase.

Q: What if I can’t afford a new computer?

A: Try a library. Your data wasn’t that important anyway.

Q: Help! An old program won’t run under MacrOS 10!

A: MacrOS 10 uses a 128-bit system architecture that will not work with programs or files created for previous, primitive 32- or 64-bit systems. Really, that’s like trying to load a machine gun with rocks. Why would you do that?

Q: I’ve heard that MarcOS 10 does not have CD/DVD playing program or the ability to play MP3s. Is this true?

A: Physical media is dead, aside from the disc that MarcOS 10 came on. Why own a platter when you can stream? MarcOS 10 is fully committed to an ownerless future where all content is rented at best, and as a result no CD/DVD/MP3 application will ever be produced for it. All local media files will also be deleted.

Q: I have a phone running MacrOS Mobile. Will I also be able to upgrade to MacrOS 10?

A: Wow, somebody bought one of those? We’ll call Steve and see what he can do for you.

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