Hey there party animal! We all know that spring break is a time to get your drink on and hang loose, but have you ever stopped to think about all those calories? College is a time of changing metabolism and expanding waistlines, dude, and all that drinking and eating and partying can really build up. Bulimia can only get you and your smokin’ hot babes so far, and as we all know the Freshman 15 can soon be the Senior 16 if you’re not careful!

That’s why Amazing Dude Tours (a subsidiary of Globomex Petroleum LLC GmbH) is pleased to offer the all-in-one inclusive DrillDive™ Experience, a combination exercise regimen and rustic getaway on the scenic Gulf of Mexico! It’s a well-known fact* that oil workers have some of the highest calorie burn rates of any profession in the world, and that their no-frills existences and low-calorie foods meshed with the natural beauty of the Gulf give them some of the highest job satisfaction rates in the world.**

With DrillDive™, you get to participate in the same fitness activities as oil workers in a controlled and welcoming environment aboard the Trapezoid Nowhere themed resort platform. Our level of verisimilitude is unparalleled, yo: you’ll swear that our efficient hot bunking, simulated well capping and pipe welding, and “high-risk”† diving inspection and repair programs are the real deal. Once you’ve signed our totally rad nondiscolsure agreement†† you’ll be whisked away for an unforgettable one-week getaway on the gulf that will have you as fit and trim as you’ve ever been. And our exclusive oil treatments for exposed skin are guaranteed to help combat the aging process, sun damage, and dozens of other disorders that serve to fade the youthful glow of your skin.‡

Drilldive™: the combination spring break getaway experience and weight-loss experience that all your friends will be talking about for years to come.‡‡

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The room must once have been the rig’s cafeteria. And it might well be said to have become a cafeteria of a different sort: the small room was coated in dripping gore, viscera, and offal and thick with the buzzing of flies. Gina could barely hold back the bile rising in her throat at the sight, the stench. None of the horrific mess was remotely identifiable as human; even the few slivers of bone peeking through were splintered and shredded.

Gina was frozen, overwhelmed. What could have possessed someone to mutilate their friends and co-workers so? Not even the most dedicated genocide she’d covered had been able to so thoroughly wipe away the victims’ humanity.

Something moved in the distance…the same shadow that had been flitting about since the party arrived? Gina’s hand trembled, rattling the flaregun Johns had given her as a makeshift weapon. She pulled back the hammer, assuming what she imagined was a threatening stance. “W-who’s there? Come out where I can see you, o-or you’ll get a bullet between the eyes!”

More movement, barely perceptible in the flickering fluorescent miasma of the rig’s innards. And then, a hiss–something that might have been language or just Gina’s fear-addled mind reading meaning where only menace existed.

We…ain’t got…eyes…