The University of Northern Mississippi (UNM), in partnership with the Yoknapatawpha County Public Library (YCPL), recently announced an initiative to increase library access to two particularly underserved populations: sparrows and squirrels. “To my knowledge,” said YCPL director Floro Alpis, “this is the first such program in the country, which is a shame. Prior to 2015, there was no known record of sparrows or squirrels being issued UNM or YCPL library cards, and walk-ins were few and far between.

With Alpis and UNM library science professor Dr. Rolf S. Paoli spearheading the initiative, both libraries launched an intensive program to issue library cards to sparrows and squirrels in January 2015 and to step up outreach efforts to those populations. YCPL staff actually began their preparatory work in fall 2014, standing in the same place every day on the library patio with a handful of seed to acclimate sparrows—who are not traditional library users and require additional support—to their presence.

Eventually, YCPL was able to start mixing scraps of paper in with the birdseed, and by February they were ready to begin issuing their first library cards to sparrows. “We had an excellent first day,” said Alips. “Our volunteers actually ran out of library cards after the morning seed rush, and we have anecdotal evidence that many of the cards were actually brought back to the sparrows’ nests.”

For its part, UNM focused on outreach for squirrels, who are often on campus to make use of the free garbage resources it provides to the local community. Initial efforts at putting library cards on small fishing poles and lowering them to potential squirrel patrons failed due to, as Dr. Paoli put it, “lack of angling skills” on the part of UNM library staff. Further experiments in December 2014 and January 2014 with hiding library cards under piles of nuts and twigs and a direct marketing campaign to scale trees and place the cards directly in squirrel dreys failed due to opposition from local mice and privacy concerns that information about individual squirrel dreys might make it to the National Nesting Agency.

Ultimately, UNM was able to get 75% squirrel uptake on offered cards by smearing them with peanut butter, though Dr. Paoli is quick to note that this is not a permanent solution given the danger posed to squirrels with nut allergies. Nevertheless, squirrels that did not bring the library cards to their dreys did at least bury them, leading Paoli to confidently predict a surge of squirrel patrons next spring when the library cards are dug up.

Squirrel Patrons (YCPL) Squirrel Patrons (UNM) Squirrel Patrons (Total) Sparrow Patrons (YCPL) Sparrow Patrons (UNM) Sparrow Patrons (Total)
Sept. 2014 0 0 0 0 5 0
Oct. 2014 0 1 1 1 5 6
Nov. 2014 0 0 0 0 5 7
Dec. 2014 0 2 2 6666 5 0
Jan. 2015 0 0 0 0 5 55
Feb. 2015 0 715 715 23 5 28
Mar. 2015 0 1337 1337 213 5 1065
Total 0 2052 2052 13804 35 394.4

As shown in the chart, card issuance numbers are up significantly but not the actual number of sparrow and squirrel patrons. Alpis and Paoli have announced initiatives to remedy this with a variety of in-library features friendly to sparrows and squirrels: seed bells in the stacks, dried corn-on-the-cob in reading and study areas, and staff that mask their scent and make no sudden movements.

Floro Alpis
Director
Yoknapatawpha County Public Library

Rolf S. Paoli
Dean of Libraries
University of Northern Mississippi

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The director of the Mississippi Delta Doombrary has retired, nearly 60 years after dying at his post. “While we have enjoyed our director’s tireless efforts, literally tireless since the undead sleep not nor tire, he has decided to retire to spend more time in his grave and visiting his great-great-grandchildren as an apparition in a mirror,” the Doombrary said in a statement.


The University of Northern Mississippi is hiring for a Defense Against the Dark Arts librarian. “We’ve had an awful lot of trouble keeping this position filled,” said the Dean of Libraries. “We never seem to have any new hire last longer than one year.”

Requirements for the position include an MLIS, at least two years’ experience in a library, three letters of recommendation, and a blood sigil that is binding in states bordering on Mississippi.


The Yoknapatawpha County Public Library is holding its first annual public book burning on May 1. Anyone with a tome that is on the Black List that has been posted in local newspapers and in social media is welcome to attend the event, which is dedicated to General Secretary Joseph Stalin. While the book burning is an optional family fun event, with weenie roasts and s’mores for the children, the Yoknapatawpha County Public Library does remind all participants that possession of a title on the Black List after May 2 will carry the punishment of penal transportation to a local gulag for a period of not less than 20 years.


The Sparrow and Squirrel Bookmobile had its inaugural run in March, doing its pest to spread literacy and love of reading to the wildlife of the state. For a list of scheduled visits, see the official bookmobile tracker app available from the sponsoring library.

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HOPEWELL, MI – With Proposition 426 nearing the necessary 666,666 signatures needed to put it on the ballot this fall, the Hopewell Democrat-Tribune spoke to several of the activists who have been presenting passersby with petitions on the Southern Michigan University quad.

“There is absolutely no reason for xenobryo to be illegal, much less for the punishments handed down to people for having it,” said one activist, who identified himself only as The Bro. “It’s the outdated result of a moral panic in the 1950s, just like Prohibition in the 20s. Xenobryo is a healthy and natural way to feel good, and the secret to reviving the world economy. It shouldn’t be a reason to sentence someone to hard time just for being caught with a headclasper or testing positive for implanted xenobryo.”

When asked how exactly xenobryo use would revive the world economy, The Bro clarified: “Well, you can tax it when it’s legal, but people shouldn’t do that, it’s not fair. And, um, the dead headclaspers and passed xenobryos have lots of uses.” Asked what these uses were, The Bro took a moment to think. “The atomic acid that’s their blood could be used for, I dunno, etching or something. And the carapace of protein polysaccharides and polarized silicon can be used to…uh…uh…”

The Bro claimed to have gathered nearly 1000 signatures from passersby on the quad; a few of the people he was soliciting spoke to the Democrat-Tribune about Prop 426 and the legalization of xenobryo.

“I’m against it,” said Susie Mulligan, a double-major in biochemistry and structural engineering. “Sure, they say that using a headclasper is safe, and that you’ll get a great high as long as you flush the xen0bryo from your chest before it erupts, but think of all the accidents caused by people driving with a headclasper, or what could happen if someone doesn’t flush the xenobryo and we have a torsosplitter growing to maturity in our midst?”

“I already signed the petition,” countered Ricky “Stonewall” Jackson. “I think people should be free to use headclaspers and xenobryo, since the risk of death isn’t any worse than cigarettes and booze. You can still throw people in jail if they drive into someone while birthing a torsosplitter, after all, and torsosplitters are vulnerable to fire for the first twenty minutes of their life outside a living host. It’s all overblown.”

When asked to comment, Southern Michigan University president Cynthia Mayfield’s office issued the following statement: “SMU remains committed to protecting the right to free speech and enforcing the law.” When asked about xenobryo use among students, and cases in which free speech and the law might clash, the office declined to issue a clarification.

In the meantime, opinion polls place statewide support for legalizing xenobryo at around 50%, though the complementary Proposition 223, which would fund a statewide initiative to eliminate any escaped headclaspers or torsosplitters before they mature into xenodrones and establish a colony, is trending at 99% opposed.

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I am Spam
Spam I am

That Spam-I-am!
I do not like that Spam-I-am!

Do you like teen legs and scams?

I do not like them, Spam-I-am.
I do not like teen legs and scams.

Would you like them on your Mac?
Would you like a serial cracked?
Would you like your registry hacked?

I do not like them on my Mac.
I do not like my serials cracked.
I do not want my registry hacked.
I do not like teen legs and scams.
I do not like them, Spam-I-am.

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A Long Way from Minos

“I like to come up here at night. It’s the only place in town where I can eat a bird in peace. Eating a bird is very important in Minotaur culture. It’s how we commune with our taurcestors and with the Minogods. Everywhere else, people point and laugh, or they tell me that I’m being cruel to animals, or that the birds aren’t organic enough.”

“Why don’t you raise some chickens so you can eat birds and their eggs?”

“It’s illegal to raise chickens in New York anymore. I could never leave. Minotown’s the only place I feel at home; there’s nowhere else with such Minotaur delis and vibrant Minoculture. People tell me I should go home to Crete, but I was born here. I’ve never eaten a bird that wasn’t from here. I’ve never slaughtered the lost in a labyrinth that wasn’t a New York labyrinth.”

This post incorporates a modified version of this portrait and this cityscape both from the Wikimedia Commons. Please see their pages for full rights information for the images used in creating this transformative parody work.

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Young Adult Novel
Prep Time: 6-8 months
Total Time: 12-18 months
Allergy Information: Unsuitable for cliché, formula, fanfic, or movie adaptation allergies
Serves: 500,000-1,000,000 copies

Ingredients:
1 15-18 year-old heroine. 1 hero may be substituted at the expense of smaller serving size.

2-3 16-19 year-old love interests. For best results, include at least one smouldering but dumb hunk and one smarter but less attractive dweeb.

4-6 cups special powers as a metaphor for teenagerhood and spoiled exceptionalism. Powers may be magical, the result of accident or alien origin, or Mary Sue prefection, but must be innate.

2-3 cups destiny. Minced archetypes are the traditional form, but passive characters inserted into conspiracies or over whom rivals fight may be substituted to taste.

1-2 hard-boiled antagonists. Add more antagonists to increase serving size; one 16-19 year-old antagonist and one adult to represent clueless grownups who just don’t get teen angst are traditional. Be sure to not include garnishes of character development or motivation, as these will spoil the flavor.

3-5 cups sacrificial quirky sidekicks. Sacrifice may be in the form of death, disfigurement, or simply disappearing, but in all cases must be seasoned heavily with unearned adoration of main heroine.

15-20 ounces new terms for old ideas. The more transparent or obfuscatory, the stronger the flavor.

20-25 hooks for future stories. Endings will spoil the flavor, so use them in the most sparing manner possible. Where practicable, prevent self-contained plot from precipitating during preparation. Hooks should allow for trilogy of subsequent servings, but pentology or septology are increasingly popular options at discretion.

1-2 cups chaste teen love. Precise measurement is essential, as too much or too little will drastically limit serving size. Superficiality and wish-fulfillment are popular garnishes and should be added to taste.

Preparation:
Stale ingredients work best, especially if sourced from organic or free-range young adult novels by other authors. Stir well with limp descriptions and over-abundance of world-building exposition. Book deals and movie contract are popular desserts. Can be made from leftovers of fanfic as a base and emulsifier with the addition of 1-2 cups Name Changes. Ideally served alongside PG-13 Summer Blockbuster souffle, Bad Emo Autotuned Pop Music, and/or First World Problems. Serve cold or lukewarm; allowing to cool and reheating is often preferred.

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PROFESSOR CRAZIRIS: Which of you can tell me how many Unforgivable Grades there are?

STUDENT: Three sir.

CRAZIRIS: And they are so named?

STUDENT: Because they are unforgivable. Use of any one of them will…

CRAZIRIS: …will be on your permanent record and all transfers forever, repealed by neither extra credit nor retaking the class nor bribing the provost. Correct. Now the chancellor says you’re too young to see what these grades do. I say different! You need to know what you’re up against, you need to be prepared! So, which curse shall we see first? YOU! Give us a curse.

STUDENT: Well, my dad did tell me about one…the Malattendance Grade.

CRAZIRIS: Ah yes, your father would know all about that. Gave the university quite a bit of grief a few years ago. The Malattendance Grade is reserved for the most tardy, the most truant, the most incorrigible class-cutters. They all say they have good reasons for missing class. But here’s the rub, how do we sort out the liars? Another…another…!

STUDENT: There’s the…um…the Plagiaristic Pass-Fail.

CRAZIRIS: Correct! Correct! Particularly nasty. The plagiarism grade. Rip off another student’s paper, copy the answers for a test, or buy one of those wretched essays online…either way, your more egregious cases of taking what isn’t yours and turning it in will get you this Unforgivable Grade. And despite the word “pass” in its name, the only “passing” you’ll be going is on the carriageway. Will someone give us the last Unforgivable Curse?

STUDENT: I can’t say it…it’s too awful…

CRAZIRIS: The Canoodling Curse. This is the sort of thing that will get both you and your professor Unforgivably Graded. Have a professor try to trade canoodling for a better grade, or make the offer yourself, and you’d earned yourself a one-way ticket. Only one person’s academic career is known to have survived it. And they’re sitting in this room…

This parody is inspired by and contains material adapted from the screenplay for Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire by Steve Kloves. No infringement is intended or implied beyond its status as a parody.

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CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and we are live at the Mega Bowl pregame festivities.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and we are seven hours into our pregame coverage, with only a further four to go.

CARL: The excitement is palpable, isn’t it? Just look at those streams of people finding their seats and purchasing concessions, and the gridlock outside as people try to find parking spots.

TOM: Right you are, Carl. Since NBS mandates this level of coverage despite there not being enough content to sustain it, our usual level of sports rhetoric, tissue-paper-thin as it is, has been stretched to the breaking point. I don’t know that there is anyone else we can ask for their uninformed opinions about the game, or any more sound bites we can unload about how this is a must-win game and that hustle, follow-through, and giving 110% will all be required.

CARL: Fair enough, Tom. I for one feel as if I am trapped in a nightmare from which I cannot wake. But, consider that this pregame coverage is just background noise for Mega Bowl parties as they warm up.

TOM: Right again as always, Carl. It doesn’t matter what we say, so long as the tenor and rhythm of our communication falls within acceptable inane sports patter levels. We can lay bare our darkest personal demons if we so wish, and the haze of conversation and alcohol that surrounds the watching of the Mega Bowl will serve to obfuscate the citizenry from the existential horror of our predicament.

CARL: Terrific idea and analysis, Tom. Speaking of which, have you seen the commercial NBS is airing about their Mega Bowl coverage?

TOM: How could I not, Carl? They have shown it every commercial break since the new year. The sight of that intercepted pass and that brutal sack, played over and over again, haunt my every waking hour.

CARL: Answer me this, then, Tom. How can they show previews from the game if it hasn’t happened yet?

TOM: I have always wondered that. My best guess is that it is our only glimpse into a shadow world of football cabals, where each game is played out in advance until the result is predetermined.

CARL: Why would you say someone would do that, Tom? Don’t the Illuminati have better things to do with their time?

TOM: Perhaps pulling the puppet strings of finance, industry, or government grows tiresome from time to time, and the Illuminated Ones relax by rigging football games, leaving those mysterious previews as breadcrumbs by which potential threats might be assessed and eliminated.

CARL: I’m quaking in my boots, Tom. Along the same lines, I’m told that the Mega Bowl will be reaching an audience of four hundred million people today, greater than the population of the United States.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Somehow, the Mega Bowl has a 127% share of the viewing audience, a figure that would make my old statistics teacher hang himself from a bedsheet in his closet. I can only imagine the insane financial rewards that NBS must be reaping as well, and how many countries have a GDP lower than the amount of money that will be raked in today.

CARL: Tom, what do you make of the fact that America is more sports-crazy than ever, with those figures and their meteoric rises as proof, while at the same time we have never been more sedentary and obese as a nation?

TOM: Correct again, Carl. Our levels of sedentary lardassery are matched only by those of Saudi Arabia, and yet we elevate those few with athletic talent on our shoulders like the gladiators of old.

CARL: In fact, Tom, it seems that despite loving football more than ever, we have fewer people than ever capable of playing it outside of a next-gen game console. Wax poetic for us on where this trend will lead us to fill a few more seconds of otherwise dead airtime.

TOM: I predict that the nascent evolutionary divergence which has already begun will only intensify with the march of time. I foresee a separate race of sportsmen, bred from only the strongest generations of genetic stock of breeding farms where choice specimens are put out to stud with cheerleaders. Within a further few generations, the quivering lumps of manflesh which the average American will have become will be incapable of breeding with our new master race of athletes.

CARL: A chilling, Wellsian vision of things to come, Tom. Would you say at this point that it’s clear whether this master race will rebel against its sedentary masters, perhaps enslaving them?

TOM: A good question, Carl. Bitter historical experience has shown that, like Spartacus and his rebels, these latter-day gladiators will lack the central leadership for coherent rebellion and that their attempts to overthrow us for forcing them into servitude will be ruthlessly crushed. Blood will run in the streets, the moans of crucified quarterbacks along the interstate will echo for miles, and only the inevitable collapse of our stagnant and decadent society at the hands of a nimble new ideology will bring an end to the bloodshed.

CARL: For those of you just joining us, this is Carl Drake and Tom Hicks, bringing you coverage of the pregame festivities at the Mega Bowl, the one unifying factor that remains in an increasingly divided America. We’ll be back with more inane chatter after the break.

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“You’re a Javamancer, Henry. Come to Earl Grey’s School of Brewing and Baristery to join the struggle against the Bean Eaters, masters of the dark roast. And then obsess over the school’s Competitive Brewing team to the exclusion of world-shattering threats and let your friends or luck do most of the heavy lifting.”

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