“We’re not here about the misuse of commas or the outright abuse of possessive apostraphe-s in your ad copy. They have been cataloged and coded. We are also well aware of your use of the term ‘literally’ to mean ‘practically’ and ‘could care less’ to mean ‘couldn’t care less’ in both copy and casual conversation. No, Mr. Repard, we have convened this tribunal to discuss the straw that broke the camel’s back.”

“Please, you don’t understand! It was just an ad!”

“Ads are still discourse, Mr. Repard, and they inform all discourse to come. For the tribunal: did you or did you not create an advertisement for, and I quote, ‘fuel-efficient tires?'”

“It was just an ad to sell tires!”

“May I remind you, Mr. Repard, that tires consume no fuel and therefore cannot be fuel efficient?”

“Please, I just meant that the tires increase the overall fuel efficiency of the vehicle! I had limited ad space!”

“If that’s what you meant, that’s what you should have said. The Semiotics Tribunal will now render its verdict.”

“Guilty.”

“Guilty.”

“Guilty. Hereby sentenced to 18 months in the semicolon mines of San Serriffe. Dismissed!”

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“Give me liberty or give me death!” cried the patriot sharpshooter.

“I have a better idea,” said Doctor Von Deathenstein.

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This post is part of the July 2013 Blog Chain at Absolute Write. This month’s prompt is “Dog Days of Summer.”

When it comes to sultry, eggs-on-the-street summer heat, folks tend to think of the torrid south, the arid west, or the artificial asphalt ovens of the east coast city-states. The Midwest is not on that list; we are the Great White North, Canada Junior, avoided and overlooked except in election years.

But that Midwestern summer heat has an edge to it that the others lack.

We see some of the greatest temperature variations anywhere, from -40 (on any scale you might use) to 100+ Fahrenheit, my preferred scale if only because the most blistering days are in excess of a century of degrees which makes them all the more sweat-misted. These forces, from freezing to broiling, mangle our roads into Pollocks of pavement and make weather prediction even more a casting of bones than ordinary. April might still see snow and June might usher in a roaring hundred-degree drought–or vice-versa.

I still remember a Middle School day in May, when it was 80 degrees in the morning and snowing by the final bell. Running home through the snow was my only option, since I was in shirtsleeves and shorts. I also remember lying out in my parents’ house under a fan, sticky from heat and unable to rouse myself. We had no air conditioning, like many, since the heat would only last a month or two at most. For the longest time I thought those long-ago dog days were named after the neighborhood mutts, laying on porches or in doghouses and panting away what heat they could.

There were few pools, since most weren’t worth the hassle of draining and covering after only a fortnight of use, so the kids would often go down to the river to cool off. Not by swimming–an old creosote plant upriver had all our parents forbidding us to dip so much as a toe–but by soaking in the cool air that collected in the hollow of the old drained lake, trapped by the overhanging trees and shady parks at either end. We used the riverwalk–before the term even existed in trendier circles–paved with woodchips and gravel.

Of course there were other remedies. Being boys, water balloons, hoses, and squirt guns often figured quite prominently. Whoever had the largest and most pressurized cannon was always at a major advantage…until the others ganged up on them, or until everyone became so soaked that further shots had no effect. Nearsighted, I was never a good shot, and never willing to escalate the battles. That meant forever losing to whoever was ruthless enough to deploy the hose first, or whoever resorted to dirty warfare by flinging unconventional projectiles like pinecones, lumps of sod, or even (once) dog poo.

When I sit, an adult, in my air conditioned cubicle, shivering as if in a meat locker, the lens through which those old dog days are perceived grows rosier. Such is the way of all things, though it is hard to walk those same paths today and not feel a twinge of regret or golden longing.

Check out this month’s other bloggers, all of whom have posted or will post their own responses:
Ralph Pines
articshark
Sunwords
Diem_Allen
U2Girl
robynmackenzie
Lady Cat
MsLaylaCakes
pyrosama
Angyl78
SuzanneSeese
Diana_Rajchel
HistorySleuth
AshleyEpidemic
SRHowen

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Here lieth
KING WEXFORD VI THE EPHEMERAL
Born 987 OCE
Died 1027 OCE
King of Gharial and Grand Duke of Caiman
Reigned from 12 Hexember 1027 11:31 AM to 12 Hexember 1027 11:45 AM
SHORTEST REIGN IN HISTORY
“Now that I’m king, let’s talk about raising those taxes. 200% seems like a good round number.”

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The Tuscola Nation believed that the great thunderstorms which swept into the north Mississippi hill country were the manifestation of departed souls. As the dead rose to the sky, to join the great celestial hunt as stars, the Tuscola believed, they would gather color and shape about them.

Gentle souls, especially those of young children, would arise as the fine white clouds on a summer day. There were not enough deaths among the Tuscola to account for all the clouds in the sky, naturally; they attributed the rest to the souls of their neighbors the Oscoda or the animals of the forest. The departure of whole forests of life accounted for the dour cloudiness of winter, in their view.

Violent or wicked souls, on the other hand, would result in storms. The most potent of the departed would accumulate a storm so intense as to generate tornadoes, which the Tuscola interpreted as the deceased attempting to return to walk the earth.

Particularly feared among the Tuscola were sorcerers which they held could eject the soul at the center of a maelstrom and take control of it for themselves.

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Are you suffering from cellulite, crow’s feet, sun damage, or general aging? Have conventional beauty products completely and utterly failed to stem the relentless march of time? There’s no getting off this train we’re on.

But there is a product that can help!

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After the safe and clean MAKOPLASTY™ infusion process, you will find that your skin suddenly had both dramatically improved tone and a healthy glow. You’ll also get the striking “Mako eyes,” famous for their appearance among The Shinra Electric Power Company’s elite SOLDIER security forces. There are absolutely no side effects!*

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Ask for Dr. Hojo

*This statement has not been evaluated by the Shinra Electric Power Company Food and Drug Administration, nor should it be, as all Shinra products are inherently safe and effective. Rumors of side effects including but not limited to mutation, decreased HP count, MP deficiency, AP drain, the Jenova Reunion, and subjugation to the will of Sephiroth are completely false. Report any rumormongering to your local branch of the Investigation Sector of the General Affairs Department, or the Department of Administrative Research.

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In 1965, one of Detroit’s most striking modernist, brutalist skyscrapers, the Lenore, was in deep financial trouble. Market troubles had meant that Lenore Automotive Glass Company, the building’s namesake and primary tenant, was unable to pay for the remaining construction. For a time it looked like the half-finished building would blight Detroit’s skyline for years before being unceremoniously hauled down.

However, the United States government stepped in and leased the remaining office space, providing the money needed to top out the building. It took over the topmost 10 floors, while Lenore and a variety of smaller tenants took the space below.

In most respects, the Lenore was the standard, boxy, functional skyscraper that was in vogue at the time. However, each of its topmost three floors had what looked like a frosted, latticed window set into it, three stories high and angled slightly. One window faced in each cardinal direction, and the area behind them was always lit. There was speculation that Lenore was running a testing facility or perhaps a basketball court there. The architectural drawings simply labeled the area “mechanical space.”

Less than a month after the building was open, amateur radio enthusiasts throughout the Midwest began noticing a strange and powerful signal interfering with their transmissions and receivers. A series of stuttered electronic clicks, the signal was quickly nicknamed “Woody Woodpecker” and was the cause of considerable frustration, as it was most active at night, when most amateurs were on the air.

Eventually, the signals ceased, and by 1985 the Lenore was all but abandoned, with only a handful of tenants and a mountain of debt. Finding a security door rusted out and unlocked, a group of Wayne State students made their way up to the top. The area, apparently abandoned in haste, confirmed that “Woody Woodpecker” was a powerful prototype over-the-horizon (OTH) radar array built into the building. The government’s lease had been a mere cover story.

Unfortunately, the explorers soon found out why the project, and the building, had been so abruptly abandoned.

Only one of them lived to tell the tale.

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“Hold on, let me recycle this.” Jenna, being a considerate earth-first type, moved to put her empty water bottle in the nearby recycling bin:

PLASTIC
ALUMINUM
ONLY

“Hey!” A nearby airport security guard cried. “What do you think you’re doing?”

“I’m…recycling a plastic water bottle?” Jenna said.

“Can’t you read? That bin is for plastic aluminum only!”

“Um…isn’t this plastic water bottle plastic enough?”

The guard narrowed his eyes. “Plastic. Aluminum. Not plastic, not aluminum. Plastic aluminum. Read the sign. Because you know who has to pick out the stuff that isn’t right from that bin? Me. That’s who.”

“Okay! Geez.” Jenna pulled back her bottle and walked off. “What does that even mean, plastic aluminum? Weirdo.”

Another woman approached and deposited a pop can that was somehow both brightly injection molded and metallic into the bin.

“Thank you!” the guard exclaimed. “Finally, someone who can read!

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Fawn Delacroix Pivec owned a small library of books about the little chinks through which magic might seep into our otherwise mundane world. Lewis and Lewis, C. S. and Carroll respectively, were first and foremost in the collection, and her peers in school had long grown tired of endless book reports and dioramas on they and their literary successors.

So, when standing longingly in a fairy ring at the very edge of the Pivecs’ five acres, Fawn was delighted but unsurprised to spy a fairy flitting back and forth among the stinging nettles and wild raspberries tumbling over the old fence.

“Take me with you,” she whispered breathlessly, at once afraid to cry out and scare the delicate being away and unable to contain her joy upon seeing it.

The tiny fairy cocked its head and regarded her.

“Take me with you,” Fawn said again. “Don’t be afraid, I won’t hurt you. I’m ready to see your world. I always have been.”

“Oh, child,” said the fairy, in a voice that was birdsong and cicadas, summer rain and running water. “My poor precious child. You dwelt in our world for an aeon and verily became our most beloved friend and queen, ere you returned. But mortal memories cannot hold that where we dwell and dance, so it has already slipped away from you like sand in a spring tempest.”

From an idea by breylee.

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At first, the Brixx™ brand building toys were a laughingstock, poor injection molding compounded by what were roundly described as “the worst boxes on the face of the planet.” The Norwegian firm of Aeki GmbH, makers of the much more popular Logg-O™, sued OCYT Inc., the conglomerate behind Brixx™, alleging that making their building bricks compatible with the older, classic sets was copyright infringement.

But, unexpectedly, things took a turn for the better. Aeki GmbH lost the suit, as the relevant patents had expired and the “geometric dimenstions” of Logg-O blocks were held to be un-trademarkable (as OCYT’s lawyers had cannily advised them). A change in Chinese manufacturers and a general retooling brought the Brixx™ blocks up to a level of quality that met (and sometimes even exceeded) that of Logg-O. The Norwegians, manufacturing in Japan, weren’t able to meet the lower price point of their competitors.

In addition, an innovative licensing program found popular cartoons and other more esoteric franchises on Brixx™ boxes. By 1987, popular Saturday morning cartoons like Darcy the Cat were on OCYT’s (much-improved) boxes, and a line of military bricks won US Army endorsement (on the condition that the kits ship with recruitment brochures and OCYT provide industrial grade bricks to replace the Logg-O pieces Army robotics engineers used for prototyping).

One would have thought that Brixx™ were destined for a strong market niche, the Pepsi to the Coke of Logg-O™. But by Christmas 1989, OCYT had declared bankruptcy and Brixx™ sets were available for discounts as high as 90%–destined to become highly sought-after collectibles.

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