Whether you call it soda, pop, soda pop, Coke, fizzlers, The Bubbly, or simply cola, you have to admit that this family of soft drinks has never been more pervasive in global society. From ubiquitous advertising to cultural practices that normalize “going out for a cola or two after work with the boys,” people do not realize that colas carry the same risk of addiction as hard drinks (but not medium-strength drinks).

People do not realize that, in a cola addict’s brain, consuming a fizzy caramel-colored beverages lights up the same Important Brain Areas as sex, straight morphine, cocaine, huffed paint, and the Russian skin-rotting drug krokodil (all at the same time). Long-term abuse of cola can lead to:

– diabeetus
– Africanized killer cancers
– kidney hijinks
– bladder explosion
– British Smile Syndrome (BSS)

But we’re here to help. The John Pemberton Center for Cola Addictions is a nonprofit organization that, provided you have the money which we totally do not use for profits of any kind, can help you through your addiction. Our exclusive inpatient treatment center is equipped with all the amenities, support, and strong-armed orderlies to help you deal with cola withdrawal side effects such as:

– sleepiness
– The Bad Shakes
– too much sugar in the form of pastries
– coffee consumption (in conjunction with our sister institution, the Betty Folgers Center)
– irritability
– lack of pop and fizz in one’s step
– sudden increase in tooth health and whiteness
– hours rather than minutes between bathroom breaks

Don’t delay! The John Pemberton Center for Cola Addictions is here to help.

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