Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

MELINDA DOE: So, judges, what do you have to say about Chef Spottiswoode’s dish?

ULGATHK THE EVER-LIVING: I found the agony and misery of the 30-minute time limit to be beautifully suffused into every bite. Chef Spottiswoode made great use of the daemon heart from the basket as well. But the long pork veal was overcooked and stringy, and what should have been a course in delicious suffering was more like a hissy fit.

TOM HICKS: That’s right, Ulgathk. A daemon heart is like a 50-yard touchdown: difficult to pull off and likely as not to cripple you for life. Buf if you’re going to go for it, you’ve got to go for it. And I feel like Chef Spottiswoode didn’t quite make it to the endzone. The long pork veal was quite juicy, but the presentation was very off-sides.

DOWAGER EMPRESS CNHYN HALLUD: We all have Daemon hearts, don’t we my children? Long pork is just like short, int hat it must be sweet, and we must sing sweetly to it in our stomachs. But with modesty and moderation, gluten-free, and free-range.

MELINDA DOE: Have you reached a verdict?

ULGATHK THE EVER-LIVING: We have. Chef Spottiswoode, your daemon hearts were tasty but your long pork wasn’t up to snuff. And for this reason, we have to guillotine you.

MELINDA DOE: Chef Spottiswoode, I’m afraid you have been guillotined. Your headless body will become the secret ingredient for Round 2.

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“We head for Fort Awesome at once,” said Corporal Dunham.

“Really?” laughed Blythe. “Fort Awesome? Who came up with that name, a teenage boy with a head full of adventure stories?”

“Fort Awesome is named after Lieutenant Jeremy Awesome, who was killed by Comanches in the Battle of Skewered Pines,” said Dunham with a sour expression. “He left behind a wife and three children. Do you still think it’s funny?”

Blythe snickered. “Yes. I’m sorry. He must have been teased mericlessly about his name.”

“Jeremy Awesome was one of the finest men I ever knew, and he was serious to a fault,” Dunham snapped. “It’s a name from the French, you know, the village of Aix-en-Somme. The meaning in English is just a coincidence!”

Blythe just laughed harder.

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Shadowbluff Apartments is a modern housing complex designed specifically for today’s monster-on-the-go. Fully adhering to the International Masquerade and SUN Resolution 66/983, Shadowbluff Apartments offers amenities and peace of mind unavailable in other local areas:

– By special arrangement with the Tecumseh County Blood Bank, nightly deliveries of plasma with weekly packets of serum and hematocrit to mix for our vampire, ghoul, lich, and nosferatu tenants. Bat pet doors are also avalable as an option for a small monthly fee.

– Reinforced and auto-locking safe rooms for lycanthropic and therianthropic tenants. For a modest security deposit, auto-locking through HowlSafe™ and cleanup by Braxton & Brewer Crime Scene Cleanup are available.

– Refrigerated suites for the living-impaired. Interested tenants can arrange for deliveries of offal and brains through Braxton & Brewer for a modest fee.

– Rental to possessed mortals offered on a monthly, yearly, decade, or century basis. Summoning circles and seals are available for succubi and other pro-infernal renters who wish to move about in their native daemonic forms.

Sign up today!

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The Great Ruckus of 1712 began in Hartfordshire, where a rowdy bar song began on St. Swithun’s Day and became a bar fight, which spilled out onto the town square in a general melee of roughousing and cacophony. Constables summoned to attend to the disturbance became part of it, and by nightfall the anarchy had spread as far as London.

While there is no record of Queen Anne punching her husband and his chamberlain, as is often claimed in legend, large parts of the old city were consumed by ruckus for the better part of 48 hours. Troops were eventually called in to quell the disorder, but no inroads could be made until soldiers who couldn’t speak fluent English were located.

The incident was little commented upon at the time, except in bawdy ballads and the like, but the Great Ruckus of 1712 is now regarded as an early example of mass hysteria. It shares this distinction with the Terrible Row of 1757, the Godawful Noise of 1691, and of course the Infernal Racket of 1802.

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“The main thing you worry about on a voyage like this is cabin fever.” Xavier indicated the crew compartment with a sweep of his hand.

“It’s tiny,” Magdalene said.

“They’re not paying us to haul passengers,” said Xavier. “Six months out, six months back. You get your own cabin and use of the common area. We have a net dump that you’re free to look through–read-only, I’m afraid–and a nice collection of games and videos we hold in common.”

“What if I don’t get along with someone?” said Magdelene.

“Then you damn well keep it to yourself. You put up with people you didn’t like every day in nursery school, why should it be any different when you’re an adult?”

“Well, for one thing, the pay’s better.”

Xavier laughed. “That’s the spirit. Keep it up. A little humor goes a long way, so long as you don’t start being like Ahmed and repeating the same damn joke a hundred times.”

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“This is an expired coupon,” said the manager. “I’m afraid we can’t honor it.”

“Look at me.” Caleb pointed at his eyes. “Listen to what I have to say. What does it cost you to honor my coupon? Nothing.”

“Well,” the manager said. “That’s not true. If I honor expired coupons, it comes out of my own pay.”

“It costs you nothing,” said Caleb. “But I’m a slacker, a white male with an internet connection and, therefore, the most dangerous being on earth. If you gggive me my coupton, that’ll be the end of it. But if you don’t, I’ll make it my mission to bring this place down. I’ll blog about it. I’ll make videos about it. I’ll program a spambot to flood the side with hate mail. They’ll do interviews whith me on the secret rape dungeon you have concealed beneath your property. And it’ll get noticed, because there’s just that little real news around here.”

“There you go, sir,” mumbled the manager. “Two dollars off your meal.”

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BENEDICT ARNOLD’S
Benedict Arnold’s Grocery invites you to BETRAY HIGH PRICES and SURRENDER WEST POINT TO ETHICALLY SOURCED, GMO- AND GLUTEN FREE PRODUCE!

As the premier source of food for ethics-conscious customers, Benedict Arnold’s prides itself on having more varieties of fresh, dirt-caked veggies and artisan, spoiled cheeses than anyone else! It is also the only chain grocery in America with an entire aisle devoted to kale, and the meat (albeit free-range and GMO-free) is segregated to a red-painted corner called “The Murderhouse.”

When it comes to banning certain ingredients, Benedict Arnold’s leads the nation, and its major competitors such as Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. Corn syrup of any kind is not allowed, even for cooking purposes. Processed sugars result in security guards being called. Trans-fats are allowed, but only if they originally identified as vegetable oils.

All employees of Benedict Arnold’s dress in period-accurate British infantry uniforms and are fully-vested shareholders in the company, each earning 1¢ per hour toward a retirement fund in the company’s name. A 25% surcharge to customers and employees helps Benedict Arnold’s support charities worldwide, from the Freedom for Peruvian Cavies Freedom Fighters to the People’s Front of Zaire to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.

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McCarthy’s Noble Eagle
Make a LIST of all the foods it’s your God-given right as an American to eat and then buy them with us! DENOUNCE anyone who would tell you otherwise!

McCarthy’s Noble Eagle is a proud American grocery for Americans, by Americans. There is no gluten-free foppery, no fair-trade pinko propaganda, no rainforest sensitive treehuggery. The Noble Eagle offers hearty delicious foods at prices that leave plenty in your wallet to donate to the NRA.

Speaking of the NRA, McCarthy’s Noble Eagle is the only non-firearms-related retail establishment to earn that organization’s coveted Depleted Uranium rating for its Cheese and Shells program. Cheese and Shells kiosks in Noble Eagle locations nationwide allow patriots to redeem Eagle Claws earned through customer loyalty for arms and ammunition with no waiting period and no ID required.

Most of all, McCarthy’s Noble Eagle is committed to low prices for red meat, cheese, and beer. Our food is sourced from around the globe and imported at incredible prices, be it Chinese beef, Tajikistan cheese, or Saudi Arabian beer. We know that global warming is a hoax, and therefore endeavor to get you the best bang for your buck regardless of how many acres of useless rainforest must be consumed.

Don’t forget to pick up some distinctive apparel from our store brand, Cross and Flag, while you’re at it. Make sure to join us for Nullification Mondays the second week of every month, where in-store events are held to flout unfair laws, court rulings, and constitutional amendments.

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“You mean you weren’t making a turn?” I cried, kicking a piece of plastic for emphasis.

“No, no,” the guy said. “My headlight is out on that side and I keep the blinker on so people know where my car ends.”

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1789 – The Holy Rolling Pin, commissioned by Louis XVI, is smuggled to Great Britain.

1803 – During the Peace of Amiens, berries from the Tree of Love in Paris and the Tree of Lust in Rome are commingled to form the Filling of Feelings, which is boiled shut and kept as preserves.

1815 – The Justice Crust, cooked for Napoleon’s triumphal reentry, is taken to London.

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