Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

I was just in it for the piracy, really. Okay, maybe the piracy and a little bit of drugs.

Back in the day, it was tough to pirate any really big filed because of how slow the internet was. It was even harder to buy illegal things because there was no PayPal. But enterprise always flourishes, and by diligently looking through troves of sites no one linked to and trying login screens with no identifying information, you were always able to get somewhere. That was the deep web primeval, back then; kids today don’t know how lucky they have it.

I eventually stumbled into a directory of encrypted files after guessing the password. I still have no idea what the files were, but I scrolled through them anyway, looking for movies to download. Eventually, I noticed that a text file had appeared just ahead of where I was, alphabetically, in the file structure.

Its title was WE_SEE_YOU.txt.

A moment later I got disconnected. It spooked me good, but not enough to really change anything. Felt kind of shook up, so I went to McDonald’s for a bite and stayed there for a bit.

When I got home, I had a new email. The ‘from’ address was a petty clear spoof, but the subject line caught my eye.

“WE SEE YOU.”

There was an attachment, which I opened. Dumb move, by the way, never open attachements if you don’t know where they came from. But I did, and what I saw made me yank the modem out of the wall hard enough to break the socket.

It was a grainy picture of me eating my Quarter Pounder in McDonald’s on a time-stamped CCTV still.

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Mouse of Farts
A mouse made of living flautus comes into being at the point the caster designates. It will roam, randomly farting, throughout the combat area for a number of rounds equal to 1d6 + caster’s level. All creatures of less than 4 hit dice must perform a fortitude save with a DC15 or lose their next action to uncontrollable retching. This includes both hostiles and party members as well as the caster. Party members and creatures with more than 4 hit dice save at a +10 and may still make free actions while retching.

Fomend’s Beating Sphere
A small sphere of solid metal comes into being at the caster’s fingertips and flies directly for the crotch of the targeted enemy. It will beat at the targeted crotch for 1d4 + caster’s level rounds. If the target is male or otherwise has vulnerable genitalia, each beating will cause 1d4 damage and has a 25% chance of immobilizing the target with pain for 1 round. If the target is female or has genital armor, the beating sphere has no effect. Targets of 4 hit dice or greater may make a reflex save at DC 18 to swat the sphere out of the air to avoid its effects.

Barking Stones
2d8 stones in the vicinity begin loudly barking and snarling as if they were highly agitated guard dogs. The sound will cause creatures of 2 hit dice or less to make a morale check or flee in terror. The stones gain +1 to their effect if they are behind a fortification such as a wall or door, as it is more difficult to trace the source of the noise. The effect lasts for 1d12 rounds and cannot be extended. Stones are required for the effect but may be carried by the caster. Smashing the stones ends the effect.

Q’s Invisibility
The caster or a being they designate becomes invisible for 1d4 + caster’s level rounds. The invisibility only affects the bring itself, not any of their clothing or gear. It also prevents the affected from interacting with any matter, including their clothing or gear. The affected may wander at the same height above (or below) sea level that they were at when the spell was cast, but will move through any higher ground and will hover above any lower ground. If the affected is in the air when the spell dissipates, they will incur the appropriate falling damage. If they are in the ground, they will violently displace any matter occupying the same space and may suffer from suffocation.

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Burping Light Sin
The caster designates a target within eyesight. If the target fails a will save, target will begin burping uncontrollably for 1d6 rounds. If the target is 3 hit dice or less, the constant burping will inflict a -1 to hit penalty and a -1 to armor class, as well as -1 to all saving throws. Targets with 4 hit dice or more will only suffer a save penalty. Stealth is impossible while the spell is in effect. At the GM’s discretion, creatures with noxious properties may expel a burp cloud with negative effects while enchanted.

Vicious Markers
A series of 1d4 magic markers will appear at the caster’s fingertips. At the caster’s command they will engage a target and mark it up for 2d6 rounds. The marks made will be randomly selected from the following list for each round the spell is in effect:

-dinosaurs
-random scribbles
-curse words
-flying saucers
-Blarney the Friendly Purple Orc
-The Musical Thrones™ series
-barnyard animals
-stick figures

Marks made on unliving surfaces are indelible and will only wear off with the passage of time (6 months-1 year) while marks made on living tissue may be scrubbed off (10 rounds scriubbing per square foot). The marks do not impede combat unless they get in a target creature’s eyes, but they will make it more difficult to see and serve as a distraction (-1 to perception rolls, -1 to saving throws, -1 to ranged attack rolls). Creatures without a sense of humor and creatures that are easily distracted may also suffer a -1 to armor class.

Cow of Auraly
At the caster’s command a large magical cow (2000 lbs) will appear at the spot designated. The magical cow will have the stats of a Herd Animal, Bison, although it will not attack. It will, however, follow the directions of the caster in moving around the battlefield, and can attempt to push away melee attackers as a grappling action. The cow will otherwise act as an obstacle, and grant +10 AC versus missile weapons to characters hiding behind it. The cow can and will take damage and it will dissipate when its hit points are exhausted. The cow may also be ridden or used to bear burdens, but it will only last for a number of rounds equal to 1d12 + the caster’s level.

Gland Growth
This spell has a range of 10 feet. Any target within the spell radius designated by the caster will have a random gland in their body swell to many times its original size. The effect will last for 1d4 rounds and will vary based on the gland that is enlarged:

Salivary gland – target will drool uncontrollably and choke
Pancreas – target’s abdoment will expand painfully and they may go into glycemic shock
Liver – target’s abdomen will swell painfully and they may be affected with jaundice
Lacrimal glands – target will be blinded and weep uncontrollably
Mamary glands – target (male or female) will lactate uncontrollably
Pituitary gland/Hypothalamus – target’s head will painfully enlarge and brain functions may be impaired
Thyroid – target will develop a large goiter that will make it difficult to move their head and neck
Testes/ovaries – target’s lower abdomen will swell painfully and they may be unable to move and more vulnerable to critical hits

The target must have a gland of the type chosen for the spell to work, and the magic will fail if no suitable gland exists.

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Weego Toys had been a strong competitor in the action figure market of the 1970s, but the success of reverse-licensed properties like He-Man in the 1980s caught them flat-footed. In a desperate attempt to catch up, Weego created several of its own properties with their own toy lines. Sadly, none were particularly popular and the effort drove the company into a debt spiral from which it would never recover:

Action Bun
A line of anthropomorphic animal figures. After a mad scientist gifted a field rabbit with intelligence and thumbs via the Uplift-O-Tron, Action Bun and his friends fought against Viper Lord and his evil Coldbloods.

CatRain
After an inner-city dojo is cursed by an ancient Chinese scroll, its misfit ninjas mutate into powerful fighting felines! Led by Kung Fu master Claw Wind, the characters attempt to protect the city from villainous land developer Slime Rat.

Sharkstorm
Designed to promote a new line of flexible rubber figures, the Sharkstorm team have no solid bones but only cartilege thanks to being the children of marine research chemists. They battle terrorism all over the globe, typified by foes like Sewer Man and Slagg Light.

Princess Pow!
This line was designed to appeal to female viewers. The princes of the land of Fistia have long used the sacred Punch Berries to power themselves up to fight for their kingdom. But when the king has only a daughter, it’s time for Princess Ceraton to partake of the berries to become Princess Pow! Now she punches for justice and tangles with the evil schemes of Overfink.

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“There you have it,” said Vasquez, setting the heavy clay down. “The tablet that the owner of Holy Books Family Stores was trying to smuggle to her Bible museum.”

“I can read cuneiform, you know,” said Jeffers.

“The hell you can,” said Marston. “What kind of asshole can make anything of those chicken scratches?”

Jeffers jabbed a thumb at herself. “This kind of asshole. I studied archaeology for five years before the money ran out.”

“Well, have a go, then,” said Vasquez. “These aren’t going anywhere until the Feds get here tomorrow.”

Jeffers tugged on a pair of gloves meant for body cavity searches and hefted the tablet.

In the temple of Inannah, the sanctuary of Eannah
At the altar, when she saw Inannah
The priestess began to cry.
The Lady of Heaven saw her as her tears were flowing down.
Why is she crying?
Why are priestess’s tears flowing?
“For the sake of my family, which is ended!”
“For the sake of my barrenness, which cannot bring forth an heir!”
“Whom shall I send to tend the graves of my forebears?”
Inannah, the Lady of Heaven, was moved.
“I will give to you of myself that this be not so.”
“But I warn you, there is no taming the wildness of a god.”
“If it be male, the child will be like unto an earthquake.”
“If it be female, like a flood will it come into the world.”
The priestess appealed to Inannah, at any price willing.
“Simply repeat what we have already spoken.”
“And I will be upon you in my mercy and my rage.”

Jeffers looked up. “That’s really weird,” she said.

A heavy blow at the door interrupted her next thought.

“Is that Tillmann?” said Vasquez. “Tell him to ease up.”

“Tillmann’s sick,” said Marston. “There shouldn’t be anyone else here.”

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While Czarist Russia had a long history of refusal, the art of nope was refined–some might say perfected–after the Revolution in the person of Ivan Iosifivich Noperuski.

Noperuski was a trade unionist in Petrograd whose firm refusal to negotiate or compromise earned him the notice of Lenin. After the October Revolution, he recruited similarly intransigent fighters to become leader of the Nope Battalion in the Russian Civil War. The Nope Battalion denied White Russians access to a vital rail line in Belarus, stopped an advance by Cossacks in Ukraine, and filibustered an attempt by British and American troops to break out of Archangel.

For his efforts, Noperuksi was appointed the first Minister of Nope and helped develop the Ministry of Nope headquartered in Nopograd. The result was the first governmental agency of its kind dedicated entirely to refusal, a tradition that continues even to this day with the Russian Federal Bureau of Nope.

Despite this, there is no statue recognizing Noperuski: he refused to have one erected in his honor.

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Mike groaned at seeing the signs on every computer in the lab: IT UPDATES.

“Why are there always updates when I need to use the computers?”

Across the lab, It looked at him with three of its eyestalks. “So you don’t get a virus,” it gurgled through its tentacle-proboscis. “Be grateful.”

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This SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY!

Live shows at THE PALINDROME!

WATCH best friends attempt to murder their pals in order to claim the cash prize whilst riding spiky motorcycles!

WATCH friendships end as lives end!

LIVE on pay-per-view!

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The next film from the award-winning poultry industry filmmakers Studio Giblets has finally arrived! Marvel at an all-meat cast as they explore the land beyond the abattoir in search of the Gizzard of Oz that will make them all delectable. Rendered in stunning hand-drawn animation with a lush musical score by the acclaimed band 11 Herbs, The Gizzard of Oz Is a magical golden-fried journey for the whole family.

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“The problem for me was the necroplasts,” said the first judge, Cindy Wailing of the Ghouliard Culinary School. “There were just too many bitter souls of the damned, and it overwhelmed the rosemary and sage.”

“I disagree,” said the second judge, Eternos Slumbre of the Corporeal Spectre eatery on 5th and East. “I would have liked more necroplasts to help balance the sweet tartness of the chutney.

The third judge, Betty Wight, simply howled.

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