Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

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Sweetwater Farm
The Sweet family came to the island seeking a peaceful place to escape the temptations of modern life. While they were successful in the latter, the former is somewhat elusive given their large number of small children, small chickens, and Rocky Mountain Whooping Llamas. At dawn, the din from Sweetwater Farm can be heard all the way across the estuary.

Weather Station
This field station allows a live-in crew of scientists from Sim State University to study the weather systems coming in from the coast and provide early warning for violent sou’westers. During sunny weather, the field station researches local wildlife and river sedimentation, which accounts for the legendary boredom of its staffers and the rumored construction of a high-speed internet gaming lounge.

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The modron, following its directives to the letter, chased after Thrombonius’s dancing lights spell. It trundled out of Short Shrift Dry Goods, across the flat plan of the private floating island, and tipped over the edge into the oblivion of the abyss.

“Sure, we’ll take you to our friends,” squeaked Squib the imp.

“Yeah, right through here,” peeped Gippy the dretch.

“Womp Rat” was shuffled through the door to see a deviless wearing an immaculate suit grinning across from a demon in heavy, almost comical armor.

“Well, hellooooo,” the deviless said. “We’re here because the same soul was sold twice, but perhaps you’d like in on the transaction?”

The elf was a teenager, fully grown but definitely considered a mere child at best by her long-lived brethren, with thick homemade spectacles and wearing an outfit that was an exact replica of Silius the Mage Queen from a popular scroll.

“Well,” Mixie said. “My friend, by best friend sort of–we kinda have grown up together–her name is Celeria. She kinda sold my could to both the demons and the devils. I’m pretty sure she didn’t mean it.”

“ULRIC WOMP RAT THON!” screamed Brynhildr as she stomped down the inn’s corridor, attracting a train of shocked imps and dretches in her wake. “YOU JUMPED OFF INTO THE NOTHINGNESS OF THE ABYSS AND LEFT US BEHIND? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?”

Thrombonius’s ectoplasmic snot once again found its mark, gathering up every imp and dretch in the hallway before pasting them to the wall in a coagluated mass.

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9:30
Stop Stalin and Start Russian: Getting Foriegn Capital for Domestic Evil
Ballroom 1, Kansas City Convention Center

In our keynote, a major speaker that cannot be named for security purposes will talk about how to successfully seek funding from Russia and other countries for acts of evil right here in the USA. The unidentified speaker, whose name and title rhyme with Malcontent Bump, will walk listeners though the process from start to finish. Attachés from the embassies of evil-friendly counties will be available afterwards for speed pitches!

11:00
What the Duct: Hero-Proofing Your Evil Lair
Maple Leaf Ballroom C, Marriott

Can people crawl through your ductwork? Is your waste system adequately sealed to prevent ingress? Are your anti-air defenses up to snuff? Certified lair architect Franc Lloyd Wrong will go through a list of basic safety checks to make sure your impenetrable lair stays impenetrable.

1:30
More Than a Pipe Dream: Municipal Sewers as Pathways to Evil
Typhoon Room 2, Holiday Inn

While everyone knows the value of sewers as evil lairs, they can also be used to move troops, scatter robot drones, and spread toxins among the populace. Learn the tricks and pitfalls of turning municipal water systems into rivers of evil from Underdweller Cathos.

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9:30
To Thine Past Self Be True: Time Travel for Fun and Profit
Falling Water Room C, Marriott

In this presentation by Count Dread and Count Dread from 2082 AD, learn about how your most powerful ally in the fight for evilmay be yourself. Get valuable tips on avoiding paradoxes, sharing information, and winning big (but not so big as to prompt an investigation).

11:00
Mad Science Oratory: Monologuing Without Giving Them the Upper Hand
Kansas City Convention Center 211

Everyone enjoys a good evil gloat. But what if that gives your enemies an opening to turn the tables? In this illuminating lecture and roleplay, The Bloodpire will demonstrate how to monologue without opening yourself up to reprisals.

1:00
Get Your Side Hench On: Recruiting and Retaining Henchmen with Über
Eternium Suite 2, Holiday Inn

Traditional methods of henchmen recruitment have been in decline for years. Enter Über, an app that allows you to hire short-term henchmen for just as long as you need them at any time. Better still, they provide their on weapons and transportation! Learn ho to take advantage of this new economy to fill your ranks ithout breaking the bank.

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9:30 AM
No, Mr. Bond, I Expect You to Buy: Building and Maintaining Your Evil Brand
Conference Room C, Marriott

Everyone knows that having a strong brand is the key to reading unmitigated evil without limits or consequences. Key players from Exxon, Disney, and Fox will host an open panel session, isolated and darkened by one-way mirrors and voice changers, on how to ensure your evil brand becomes unassailable.

11:00 AM
The Pew-Pew Uncharitable Trust: Death Rays on a Shoestring Budget
Durango Ballroom, Sheraton

Death rays have long been a staple of evil, but the days of being able to cobble together your own out of vacuum tubes and quantonium crystals are long gone. Join Dr. Doomenstein for a primer finding and upgrading low-cost death rays to vaporize entire census tracts for just pennies and acre.

1:30 PM
The Black Whole: Improving Minority Representation in the Gravity Dominator Industry
Rm. 101A, Kansas City Convention Center

Evil needs to be more inclusive–that much has been known for years. But what does that look like on the ground, in the private sector? Professor Positron from GravCo will discuss his company’s outreach program aimed at bringing people of color into the gravity dominator industry, and how it takes more than an antigrav ray to lift up a life.

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Current Resident
Dr. Marcus Entwhistle, PhD
Our Neighbor At
Matthew Skotchdople
Veronica Eastep III
The Estate of Guy Pringle
Billie-Kathleen Flaherty
J. Arthur Quaddlebaum
Zeres Mikhailovich Kuzemchenko
The Puddicombe Family
Ton Duc Thang
Valued Playboy Subscriber
Robert Simian
Bass Enthusiast
Hope Berkley
Registered Voter

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For centuries, vampire farmers have taken special care of their human cattle and their local environment. Today, they are active members of their local community and create an estimated 900,000 jobs in the United States alone! They are your friends and neighbors. But most important of all, they are dedicated to producing nutritious and tasty milk and dairy foods for all to enjoy.

Vampires have been drinking blood from humans for thousands of years. Modern human farming began in the early 1900’s after pasteurization was developed and practiced. Pasteurization allows for a safer product and extends blood’s shelf life by eradicating spoilage-causing bacteria through the application of heat. This process allows blood to last longer and be shipped further. With more, easier access to safe blood, the number of vampires increased as did the need for larger farms.

These larger farms rely on healthy humans and efficient practices to produce larger amounts of blood and hematology products. While these farms have grown and become more efficient, farmers still focus on reducing environmental impact, producing safe products and keeping their humans healthy and content.

Vampire farmers are hard working men and women that take pride in providing the highest quality blood products to their family, community and customers. They are members of their communities and they stay involved with community projects. They care deeply about the environment and strive to farm in ways that reduce any impact on the environment.

Most vampire farms are owned and maintained by families and have been for generations. Vampire farmers are experts at blood production and safety, farming best practices and how to keep their herds healthy and happy. Farmers invest countless hours into making the best product possible.

Vampire farms have grown significantly from their humble beginnings to meet the growing demand for blood products. Although the size of the farms has grown, they are still largely family farms. According to the Department of Agriculture, 98% of U.S. vampire farms are still family owned and operated. Many of these centuries-old farms are still owned by the original owners! Whether the farm is large or small, farmers are committed to producing the highest quality product while taking care of the people they farm.

The American Hematology Farmers Association represents vampire farms from across the nation. Our farmers are passionate about what they do and they are excited to share it with you. Visit our pages our farm families page to learn more about how they make the delicious and nutritious products that vampires enjoy every day.

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“I don’t know what kind of stuff happened when the old enrichment facility got hit,” the old-timer said. “But those bogs around it…well, they still glow something fierce at night. People that go in don’t tend to come back out, and those that do tend to give in to the sickness after just a few days. We call them the Tritium Mists, and your friend plus whoever was with them…they’re either on the other side of that, or dead.”

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