Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Zombie President Brayne, duly elected leader of all American zombies in accordance with the Thirty-Fifth Amendment, spoke today on Independence Day in a ceremony at the Blight House. Critics were quick to point out that President Brayne’s speech included multiple references to the eating of living brains by zombies, which is specifically prohibited by that same Amendment. He also earned criticism for the detainment policy followed by his administration, in which non-citizens caught in zombie territories are systematically milked for cerebrospinal fluid.

In response to this, Blight House Press Secretary Amy G. Dala noted that the address’s mentions of consuming living brains were “harmless jokes” that were “blown out of proportion” by politicians from the rival Necrotic Party. Secretary Dala also laid the blame for the cerebrospinal milking detainment program at the feet of Necrotic politicians and his predecessor Thrax Omerta. “Where is the outrage at Vomitory Calliphora?” said Ms. Dala, speaking of President Brayne’s defeated election rival who has not held elected office for over six years. “That’s the real story, the pro-Necrotic bias in the zombie news media.”

Reached for comment by Z-Span, former President Omerta called Brayne’s remarks a “national tragedy for the post necrotic everywhere.” Queried about his administration’s similar, but much less drastic, policy of measuring non-citizen brains for “census purposes,” Omerta declined to answer.

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“I’m happy to do it, really excited. Send over the paperwork, and I’ll sign it.”

Yeager hung up the phone. “That’s that then,” he said. “They’re recording in a few weeks.”

“Jim,” Patty said. “You know what the doctor said. You only have a month or two left, maybe less, if it’s metastasized to-”

“I’m well aware of that,” said Yeager. He motioned for Patty to wheel him away from the sideboard. “But just think about it. If I can record new lines, in character, even if it’s just for a video game version of the old show…” His eyes positively burned with enthusiasm. “Imagine what all the people who’ve forgotten about me would say! Working until the day he died.”

“Jim,” Patty said. “It’ll kill you. Let them hire a soundalike. Maybe Frank can do it, like he did in ’87?”

“I’m doing it,” Jim said. “Frank can have a go after I’m dead.”

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“And…if I stay?” She let her eyes longingly play over the cool waters, the lush trees, the clear air above.

“Then…you will be lost to the fantasy,” the figure said sadly. “Completely cut off forever from the real world, having chosen this inner life deep in the self instead. One day death will come to your real body, and this place will be snuffed out like a candle, but until that time…”

It trailed off.

“Until that time, I might be happy.”

“But it would not be real. And you would have to deal with that maddening knowledge even amidst your utopia.

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The polymorphed minor devil hopped over to the adventurers, twitching its nose and ears. “I WILL BOIL YOU ALIVE IN THE URINE OF A BILLION MURDERERS ON THE FIFTH PLANE OF THE NINE HELLS,” it screamed in a squeaky voice, “AND MAKE YOUR FLAYED BONES INTO A THRONE FROM WHICH I WILL RULE OVER A MILLION DAMNED SOULS.”

“It’ll open up a portal to the Elemental Plane of Fire if you take the gem across the seal!”

“Womp Rat” looked at the gem, shrugged, and swallowed it.

“Are ye ready to go back tae the mines and hunker down like we always did, alone, as a family?” said Pops.

“Yeah, I think I’m going to leave, Dad,” Ybba said. Turning to the mine entrance she looked out. “Wow! The world outside the mines is a formless voice of eternal night? I had no idea!

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“Honey, it’s just a little spider! Nothing to be afraid of. He wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

“Yes he would! He would hurt a fly! Hurting flies is basically what spiders DO! They paralyze them and suck out their still-living juices, and I want it out of my house!”

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“You’ve got to be especially careful of folks who project that kind of field,” Adams said. “They’re bad mojo.”

“Give me an example,” said Calhoun.

“There was this one guy, way back when, who was a private detective–you know, back when that was a thing you could do. Well, his field was especially strong, and it meant that he always found what he expected to find–in this case, murder.”

“He murdered people ith his distortion field?” Calhoun said. “That desn’t sound right.”

“No, no, no, he didn’t murder anyone. His certainty that there would be murder caused murders to happen. Always in a natural organic way, too. Simmering things would come to a head, someone would see something they weren’t supposed to, and then bam!”

“And how would anyone have known this was going on?” Calhoun said. “Murders happen all the time.”

“Yes, but a murder happened literally everywhere this detective went. In boats. In midair. Abroad, in whatever country he visited. At a certain point, someone ran the numbers after he died. The possibility of coincidence was statistically insignificant.”

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Q: Why did they put Susie on the cello without training her on a smaller string instrument first?

A: They didn’t want a history of violins on her permanent record.

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Is a hole filled
A hole remembered
Or does the soil
Merge on the edges
Until no one would
Guess that you had
Ever felt a void
And never know
What you filled
In underneath

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ADMIRALTY ORDERS
To: Commander, USACV Magellan II

Intercept luxury cruise liner USACV Arcadian Dream, which is seven weeks overdue at its station. A monitor buoy intercepted a garbled navigational beacon from the vessel two days ago which appears to indicate it is in orbit around Samh, (Upsilon Andromedae C), a Class III gas giant that is far outside any flight plan on file.

USACV Magellan II is hereby authorized to locate INV Arcadian Dream and to attempt rescue of any surviving passengers. If the ship is navigable, salvage is authorized. The Admiralty is pleased to offer a 20% salvage rate on the ship if recovered, and a 150% search-and-rescue stipend per passenger. If neither passengers nor vessel can be recovered, any relevant logs or other information for inquiry will be compensated at the standard rate.

NOTE: Among the passengers aboard the INV Arcadian Dream was one Noura Al-Rashid and her husband Kamau Magana. As Noura is the heir apparent to the Al-Rashid Interstellar Mining Corporation, married to the younger brother of the USACV Ambassador, their status and disposition are of paramount importance. If it becomes necessary to triage resources, they are to be considered a top priority for rescue and/or investigation.

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