Excerpt


Welcome, [insert name], to the GesteCo™ Cerebral Outsourcing program!

It’s a well-known fact that the spoiled and indolent people entering the workforce today are too entitled to lower themselves to the level of occupations that are necessary to keep our advanced and technological society functioning. This is why despite low trade school tuition and high pay there is a critical shortage of qualified plumbers.

The GesteCo™ Cerebral Outsourcing program aims to change that. We fill jobs that are supposedly too mind-numbing or too degrading for today’s feckless 18-35 demographic by the use of patented GesteCo™ Cerebral Nullifiers. That way, the training and on-the job experiences of these necessary but unsexy occupations do not conflict with the inflated sense of self-worth young people carry.

The process is simple: participating businesses receive a GesteCo™ Cerebral Nullifier and a crew of experienced technicians. After each workday, calculated brain damage from patented GesteCo™ Radiative Scalpels erases any memory of the day’s tedium or clogged drains while retaining any learned skills. With no memory of their day, the workers can spend their paychecks and leisure time like the entitled dilettantes they are. An expanded program is available for jobs which require vocational and/or college-level training, partnering with firms and schools across the country to erase memories of attending classes while retaining learned skills and expertise.

The following FAQ has been provided by Faqwriters Inc (A GesteCo™ Company and Cerebral Outsourcing partner for more than [insert year difference]).

Q: Does the fact that my employees can’t remember doing their work mean that I can pay them less?
A: GesteCo™ is legally obligated by the Fairness in Mindwipery Act 2014 § 12.17 to inform you that this is not officially permitted. However, given the general toothlessness of enforcement behind said Act, officially regrettable supervisory accidents and payroll errors have occurred.

Q: Can senior-level executives participate in the GesteCo™ Cerebral Outsourcing program?
A: Regrettably, the need to make strategic business decisions and pay stockholder dividends generally precludes this. However, several Fortune 500 companies have used Cerebral Outsourcing alongside the GesteCo™ Decisiontron Automated Business Machine.

Q: Can the GesteCo™ Cerebral Outsourcing program be used to enforce nondisclosure agreements and proprietary information control?
A: Yes! Ask your GesteCo™ representative about our expanded “Loose Lips” sub-program with our extended-warranty machines and maintenance teams.

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That was it. With the manual crank shot away there was no question of a soft landing, and the dogfight had burned through the 450 rounds in each of Ryov’s ShKAS machine guns. The Messerschmitt was still on him even though the Nationalist bombers had been driven away, and still firing–apparently the Nationalists and their fascist backers were more generous with heavy machine gun ammunition than the VVS or the Spanish Republicans pulling Ryov’s strings.

Ryov was willing to bet, though, when it came down to steel on steel, the rugged mule of his Polikarpov I-16 would beat out the fascist’s dilettante Messerschmitt. Maybe he’d also get an idea of whether Pushkin’s stories about downing a Mitsubishi in Mongolia were true.

“CM-260 damaged beyond repair. Attempting to bail out.”

The Polikarpov could turn like a beast; Ryov pulled out of a shallow dive into a steep leftward bank. The fascist pilot clearly hadn’t expected a maneuver like that, since it set the tubby mule on a direct collision course. Ryov saw a pair of frightened blue eyes in the opposite cockpit; he responded with a grin and a salute before bailing.

Once his chute deployed, Ryov was able to see that his fighter had slammed into the Messerschmitt, and the two craft definitely were not living to see 1938. Locked in a fiery embrace, they were plummeting toward the Catalonian countryside. To his annoyance, though, Ryov saw another chute in the distance–the fascist had bailed too.

“No problem,” Ryov muttered to himself as he tumbled to a stop on a dusty dirt road. He cut his chute loose and unstrapped the Tokarev pistol from his side. The fascist hadn’t landed far away, perhaps five hundred meters or so.

“I see you over there!” Ryov cried in Spanish, figuring that was his best chance of being understood. “Put up your hands!”

Cresting a small rise revealed the other pilot, clearly a German, walking toward Ryov with an unholstered Luger. “Put up your own damn hands!” he replied in heavily accented Spanish.

Ryov was content to stare his enemy down for a moment, then smiled. “See those people running toward us across the field?” he said. “They’re Catalans. Unless you put yourself under my protection, they’ll tear your baby-bombing ass to shreds.”

The German glanced back and forth a few times between Ryov and the approaching Catalans before sullenly tossing his pistol to the ground. “Thank you,” Ryov said, scooping it up. “Welcome, friends!” he added to the approaching peasants. “Lt. Ryov of the Spanish Republican Air Force requires your assistance!”

His smile lasted until the peasant nearest him struck him over the head with a club. By the time he and the German had been bound up and flung into the back of a wagon, it was a dour scowl.

In the center of the nearby small town, the wagon passed a makeshift gibbet with two corpses hanging from it; one wore a placard reading FASCIST and the other a sign with COMMUNIST in bold red. Nailed above them both was a bold notice: THE IBERIAN ANARCHIST FEDERATION KEEPS WORKERS AND FARMERS SAFE FROM EXPLOITERS OF ALL SHADES.

“I think we may be in trouble,” murmured the German in his accented Spanish.

“I think you may be right.”

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When the British captured the Libyan coast from Axis forces in 1943, the captured Germans and Italians were shipped to Camp Shelby in Mississippi, while the UK soldiers found themselves among the ancient Roman ruins of Leptis Magna. Trained archaeologists attached to the British as artillerymen did their best to keep the ruins from being damaged during the occupation.

In the course of their work trying to conserve the old ruins, the British came across a mummified corpse in one of the outbuildings, itself almost 2000 years old. They didn’t recognize the uniform the dead body wore, nor could they read the language on items it carried. Furthermore, there was no reliable way to tell how long it had been there.

Wild speculation set in, with some soldiers claiming that the body had been present for as long as the ruins had, and that it was proof of an ancient and advanced civilization. Other rumors had the chamber covered with dark symbols indicating a demonic origin.

The reality, as it often is, was more prosaic. Eventually, a British occupier with a talent for languages examined the body and declared the writing to be Russian. A little further detective work showed that the body was that of a Soviet POW, a pilot, who had been captured after bailing out over Bessarabia and shipped to North Africa as a forced laborer, working to maintain the engines and equipment of a Luftwaffe unit stationed nearby.

He’d fled as soon as he was able, only to die of thirst hiding in the ruins nearly a year before his body was discovered.

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Late in his life, playwright Richard Cawnpore became convinced that he’d lost his wellspring of inspiration. He was soon obsessed with the idea of chance as an impetus to creativity, and would sit in his study and endlessly roll dice to match together plot points he’d written out beforehand. Cawnpore wrote reams and reams every day, but according to his housekeeper every sheet that he wasn’t satisfied with wound up in the incinerator.

In the nearly seven years of his retirement, not a single sheet escaped the fire until the final weeks of Cawnpore’s life.

A letter to his ex-wife, dated July 1979, claims that an obsession with “chance theater” has yielded a breakthrough. Cawnpore’s housekeeper later confirmed that no more pages were sent to the incinerator after Independence Day. The playwright contacted a local law firm to hire clerks, who he had assist him in collating a large body of information sourced from local libraries and universities. Southern Michigan University filled many of the requests, and their records confirm that 90% of the loan requests received on behalf of Cawnpore were about bees–generally honeybees.

The clerks who gathered the information never spoke out about its contents; by 1982 they had all died of unrelated illnesses and accidents.

In his final letter, the playwright mentioned finishing a grueling composition process, and plans to celebrate with his traditional bottle of aged port.

After Cawnpore died of a cerebral hemorrhage in January 1980, his manuscripts were handed over to his estranged family despite a living will asking that they be destroyed. The works from earlier in his retirement were anthologized and still occasionally performed, but the Cawnpore family refused to public or produce or even allow scholars to read the author’s final play. Other than a title in a list of personal papers–An Apiary–the final work of the artist who had dazzles audiences with the likes of Roaring Against Babylon and The Tidewater Mark has remained completely obscure.

The mere rumor that a copy of the play was mailed to an international address before Cawnpore’s death set off a frenzied international hunt among scholars. The trust that inherited its house reluctantly allowed parts of it to be dismantled in hopes that a copy might have been secreted away. Nothing.

It didn’t help that the legal status of An Apiary was murky. None of Cawnpore’s family, even his children, lived to see 1985, and more distant relations generally refused to disturb the playwright’s papers. The last known person to view An Apiary was Cawnpore’s great-uncle Hiram who agreed to be interviewed on its contents for a considerable advance sum.

He died in a traffic accident one week before the scheduled broadcast.

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[Sad music plays. SPOKESMAN looks mournfully at the camera.]

SPOKESMAN: I thought it was safe. I mean, I did it behind the wheel and all my friends did. But then came the accident.

[SPOKESMAN holds up a used kleenex.]

SPOKEMAN: This is the booger I was picking when I got in the crash that changed my life. My legs had to be amputated below the butt, there’s a steel rod where my spine used to be, and I sent a bus full of Roman Catholic nuns into the gulch off Sharkwater Bay.

NARRATOR: Drivers picking their noses are 1 billion times more likely to get in an automobile accident, and drivers looking for someplace inconspicuous to wipe boogers are 1 trillion times more likely to cause murder and mayhem on a Michael Bay scale.

SPOKESMAN: Pull off the road if you have to, or just wait. No booger is worth mass slaughter and alien leg syndrome.

[Camera zooms in on used kleenex.]

NARRATOR: Your life is worth more than a bucket of warn snot. Don’t pick and drive.

This post is parody, but the campaign against texting and driving is a good thing and deserves your support.

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And at one point the Azala began to collect, to catalog, to organize. Nothing that anyone would miss, for as near as can be ascertained the Azala only scavenged from refuse piles and debris fields.

It’s speculated that manufactured items appeal to the Azala more than natural ones, though why this might be so is unknown. Just as the Azala has never been observed, it has never been communicated with. Indeed, it may be that communication is impossible.

But it is clear that the items are collected, because they can be seen on display in what can only be described as the Azala’s home, a glen that can only be entered when the sun is at the right height on a fourth Tuesday. Sometimes it is an island and others it is seamlessly part of a surrounding landscape.

Trees fill it, but not the trees that exist in normal or ordered space-time. Rather they bear boughs of old and broken human invention: cameras, tape recorders, VHS tapes, hubcaps, wastebaskets. Serial number checks have confirmed that the items are of human origin, and their broken lenses or cracked cases indicate their cast-off origins.

But just as no one has been able to explain so much about the Azala, none can say how the trees’ branches become fused to the inorganic detritus.

Nor can anyone offer more than speculation about why every piece of human writing save numbers is mercilessly scratched out.

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People thought that nighttime south of the Antarctic Circle during the solstice was months of utter inky darkness, but that wasn’t so, at least not that far from the actual Pole. Instead, there was a long polar twilight, sunrise that never rose, sunset that was already set, and an eerie blue glow.

Matilda saw the lack of sun–even if there was often light–drive her fellow researchers to distraction. They lost sleep, suffered through disrupted circadian rhythms, and were irritable. Many turned to sleep masks and UV tables to keep a semblance of equilibrium.

Not Matilda.

She’d always been a night owl, preferring to work until exhaustion took her and waking up when she woke up. The polar twilight was actually an upside for her–research was getting done with fewer distractions. In fact, if she timed things right, her fractured schedule meant going days at a time without seeing anyone outside the canteen. It had been fine for everyone concerned, as Matilda’s colleagues were about as fond of her as she was of them.

Until her results began getting out of hand, that is.

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Love…it’s not long for this world. A doomed word, one destined to fade away like the scent of flowers on a summer breeze. An endangered word.

Not because people are any colder than they’ve been. The indiscriminate slaughter of a thousand generations gives the lie to that idea.

Not because people are have any less capacity to love themselves or others. There are too many marriage certificates, too many babies, for that to be true.

No, people are more disconnected from one another than ever before, and that makes love at best a distant abstraction. Not disconnected in the sense of remoteness, in the sense that it’s hard to love someone 3,000 miles away, but disconnected in that many people don’t know their next-door neighbors. Disconnected in that without the mediation of a pad or screen no one really communicates anymore.

To love, you must know. And we seem to be forgetting.

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It came to pass that a great and mysterious spirit of old, the Sarmisethustra, came to the Darkwood. None could look upon it, blinded as they were by its light and darkness and shapes which had no expression for human eyes nor interpretation in human minds.

But it spoke, after a fashion, and the Mayor of Brightspear ventured out to meet it after laying plans for his people’s evacuation and appointing a successor.

Where are the Vle-Ya who long stewarded this wold? asked the Sarmisethustra in a voice that was not a voice. Why do they not respond to my passage?

“They are gone from this world and the ken of mankind,” replied the mayor, “and we of Brightspear have inherited their covenant. None have been seen since my grandfather’s grandfather’s time.”

Then it is too late, and I am bereaved, said the Sarmisethustra. I will depart, then, and seek them elsewhere.

“Tarry a moment,” said the mayor. “The Vle-Ya once sought to teach us of the forest and impart their knowledge. The stories say they interceded on our behalf with nature itself. We would ask the same of you, and grant you boons in return.”

What boon could you offer me? The affairs of your kind are beyond my ken, and to interfere would be to ruin.

“We would honor you as we do the memory of the Vle-Ya,” said the mayor. “And surely one of your power need not cause ruin.”

Ask the anthill how power is felt when applied out of scale. Ask the ant to pay you meaningful homage. It knows what it knows and it is what it is, neither inferior nor superior. Yet laws which govern us and the scales at which we operate are simply too different for meaningful interaction.

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