September 17, 2014

From “The Last Journal of T. Braven” by Juan Stollar

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

We found another cavern today, the same as the previous two. It appeared to have been hollowed out by water action, and indeed a small flowing pool appeared at the far end, fed from a spring seeping through the porous limestone from up above. It had been our hope to follow the sound of water back to the surface, but it’s clear that without heavy equipment we can’t make it through.

I’ve taken to calling the three caverns “The Pearls” as they are strung out along a series of linear tunnels. We’ve noticed that the spring water is warm; that and a smell of sulfur occasionally in the air tells me that we’re near some kind of geothermal spring or magma chamber. The danger there is twofold: first that we stumble into a steam geyser or other hazard, and second…

I haven’t mentioned this to any of the group, but the geological survey didn’t indicate any geothermal activity in the area. Surely they all read the report as thoroughly as I did before the cave-in; surely they are all thinking the same thing that I am.

“The Pearls” shouldn’t exist. No system on earth, and certainly not in the area we surveyed before descending, could carve the natural formations we’ve stumbled upon. With food running low and not sign of daylight for nearly a week…I can only hope that someone finds my scribblings here useful in determining the what, and the where, and the why.

For I simply cannot.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

September 16, 2014

From “Announceritis” by Austin Corinne

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , |
Leave a Comment 

11:47 pm: “Attention arriving Columbia Airlines Flight 1337 passengers: if you are the owner of a large suitcase full of powerful hallucinogens, please see the red bird with a handlebar mustache at gate A1 to reclaim your property.”

12:02 am: “Attention Columbia Airlines Flight 1066 passengers: there has been a gate change. Your flight is now departing from Gate π-x in Terminal β. I repeat, Columbia Airlines Flight 1066 is now departing from Gate π-x in Terminal β.”

12:36 am: “A reminder to all passengers from the Hopewell Tri-County Airport: The terminal is a tobacco-free building and no firearms are permitted. So don’t let us catch you with a smoking gun, or things will get really bad.”

1:45 am: “The Hopewell Tri-County Airport rental counters will be closing in 15 minutes. Anyone who has been living on borrowed time is hereby requested to return it or be charged for an extra day.”

“That’s Sean for you,” said one of the baggage handlers, shaking his head. “It’s a good thing the boss goes home at 5, or he’d have been fired years ago. What do you suppose he’s on tonight? The sauce? The dope?”

“What isn’t he on is more like it,” his co-worker sighed. “Makes the late shift a little more colorful, at least.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

September 15, 2014

From “Jokes Which Only Work In Print, 18th ed.” edited by “Wry” Ron Pilkinton

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , |
1 Comment 

Did you hear the one about John Occam?

No, what about him?

After he got divorced, his wife sued him for parsimony.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

September 14, 2014

From “General Hunger and Major Sickness” by Moses Sweere Gephardt

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , |
Leave a Comment 

The parley has gone down in history for its sharp exchange between the two adversaries, who actually met face-to-face to discuss terms. Hierophant Maryam, whose followers fought for what they perceived as a holy cause, offered what he considered to be generous terms:

“If His Majesty the Crimson Emperor consents to surrender his imperial capital,” Maryam said, being careful to use the submissive and courtly language to which the Emperor was accustomed, “and take up the mantle of the New Order, His Majesty will retain his throne and his former lands will be restored. He will be as an earthly vassal to the New Order, which takes its divine orders from the skies above.”

“In other words, if I give you what you have not yet been able to win by conquest, you will permit me a gilded cage,” said Emperor Seleucus IX. “It is not for me to decide the fate of my people based on my own personal comfort, and not for me to dictate that they accept your heresy.”

“If His Majesty chooses to see the offer that way, that his his prerogative,” replied Hierophant Maryam. “However, conquest by the troops of the New Order should be the least of His Majesty’s concerns. For you see, with your city blockaded, His Majesty stands vulnerable to an attack from my two most powerful allies, General Hunger and Major Sickness.”

“I choose to see only what is actually before me,” huffed Seleucus IX. “If you are so sure of your officers General Hunger and Major Sickness, let them meet my allies Colonel Wall and Colonel Castle and see who is the stronger.”

The two men never met again. Seleucus IX died nine months into the siege of the Crimson City of a plague that swept through the defenders. It fell to his son and successor, Seleucus X Ultimus, to lead the Crimson Empire to its final defeat at the end of the siege, cut down in his throne room leading the last of his personal guard against the besiegers. Hieropant Maryam, for his part, was killed by an assassin three days after the city was captured; the assassin’s brother had starved to death among the New Order troops during the hard second winter of the siege.

The reorganization of the former Crimson Empire into the Dominion of the New Order was left to Maryam’s chosen successor Hierophant Isak, who proclaimed the Dominion from the Emperor’s former balcony. “Let us not forget that hunger and sickness, wall and castle claimed even the lives of the most prominent among us,” he said in his address, “and go forth into the future resolved to be united as one body in the Duality of Argna the Protector and Atneps the Destructor, reserving warfare only for the furthering of Their sacred mission to bring Their New Order to the four corners of the globe.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

September 13, 2014

From “The University of Northern Mississippi Season Opener” by Jacelyn “Bali Mojo” Marina

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , , |
Leave a Comment 

CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, coming at you live from the NBS College Sports Channel’s telecast of the University of Northern Mississippi’s season opener against New Orleans State University.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, banished along with my co-commentator to the risible National College Sports Association sports circuit as a punishment for our transgressions against our corporate overlords.

CARL: I wouldn’t call it risible, Tom. At least everyone on the field today is passionate, and some of the athletes might avoid major injury long enough to become second-string players on a minor Continental Football League team with strictly regional appeal.

TOM: That’s right, Carl, I should be grateful that they didn’t stick us back on the high school athletics scene. And the sight of those indentured athletes, playing without compensation so that their universities and the NCSA can reap profits not seen since the days of Crassus the Triumvir.

CARL: It’s of special note today that this is the first season that UNM is playing with its new mascot and team name, the UNM Fighting Abolitionists. You can see Johnny Freesoil the Fighting Abolitionist on the field now, capering about in an attempt to drown out the jeers thrown at him by an unresponsive crowd.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. The UNM team was previously known as the Raiders, with Johnny Raider as their swashbuckling mascot. But the name and mascot both engendered controversy, largely because they were thought to be named after Hextrill’s Raiders, a notorious band of Confederate partisans and bushwhackers who fought the Union along the Tennessee-Mississippi border.

CARL: You sound somewhat dismissive of that, Tom. I don’t have to remind you that Johnny Raider was a Confederate cavalryman in fully butternut grey dress with saber and pistol–an anachronism, as Hextrill’s men never worse uniforms–who routinely chased a caricature of Philip Sheridan off the field–another anachronism, as Sheridan fought solely in the Eastern theater of the war.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. While I don’t deny that the old name and especially the old mascot weren’t in the best taste, in their haste to mollify everyone they managed to come up with a name and mascot that strike even this card-carrying Democrat as cloying. Better for them to ape the University of Michigan to become the Fighting Letter Ms.

CARL: Fair, enough, Tom, fair enough. What do you say we talk a bit about the game? It looks like someone just made a touchdown or something.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

September 12, 2014

From “The Bathroominati” by Tabitha Morino

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , |
Leave a Comment 

It’s well-known even in casual circles that the modern bathroom, sanitary though it may be, is a poor match for the modern splendor that surrounds it. The seats are uncomfortable, the white porcelain stains easily, urinals are barely a step above the old Roman urinam situla, and the lack of women’s bathroom space is well-known.

Less well-known is the source of all this suffering.

For you see, the current status quo is maintained not by any law of nature or efficiency, but rather by a shadowy cabal. Made up of fixture manufacturers, toilet contractors, industrial designers, and sewermen, this group directs the policies of bathroom design and construction with an invisible hand from the shadows. Profit is a motive, naturally, but also an ancient and quasi-mystical belief that excretion must be made as uncomfortable as possible that humans might grow to no longer require it.

The group has no name, but to many they are nevertheless known as the Bathroominati.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

September 11, 2014

From “The 302nd Fighting Unicorn Division” by R. G. Lemure

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , |
1 Comment 

“Now this critter,” Spinelli said, “is a much, much nastier than a Mana Cricket. It’s perhaps the most dangerous magical insect from the order Orthoptera.”

“Are…are you sure about this?” said Gibbons. “I still have bruises from that defanged ghast after the Mana Crickets…”

“You’ll be fine, soldier,” said Spinelli dismissively. “Say hello to our newest guest.”

He pulled a lid of magic-proof glass off of a nearby tray, revealing a grasshopper that was electric purple with terribly long antennae, at least twice as long as its body. The creature took flight and landed atop Gibbons’ head to her intense displeasure.

“Get it off, get it off, get it off!” she shrieked.

“Wait for it, kids,” said Spinelli. “If you’re going to encounter these in the field, you have to know what they’re capable of.”

Moments later, Gibbons ceased her thrashing and her eyes glazed over, pupils dilated. “Corn,” she said in a monotone. “I must find corn. Barley. Oats. Alfalfa. But mostly corn. Cooorrrnnn.” She began walking unsteadily toward the windows, through which the mess hall was visible with its heaping helpings of corn both creamed and cobbed. She walked directly into the glass, bumping against it and leaving a forehead print. Undeterred, she bumped against it again, and again, still moaning about corn with a purple grasshopper on her coif.

“Wow,” said a recruit. “What did it do to her?”

“That’s the External Locust of Control,” said Spinelli proudly. “It takes over your brain and makes you its puppet to seek food, mostly corn.”

“That’s horrible.”

“Nonsense,” replied Spinelli. “If you think that’s bad, you should see the Internal Locust of Control.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

September 10, 2014

From “Paralegal Descending” by Lael Apgar

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , |
Leave a Comment 

“This is a relatively simple matter which won’t require too long,” said Spiner, of the law firm of Spiner, Hernandez, and Xon. “I regret that I don’t have time on my schedule, but I’ll send a paralegal by to help you draft the papers.

“How long will that take?” said Jake, gripping the phone tightly.

“Only a few minutes, most likely,” Spiner replied. “Don’t worry, as the supervising attorney I’m responsible for everything my paralegals do, so they’ll of course be held to the highest standards of the profession.”

Jake had more questions–and more questions about questions–but the other end of the line clicked dead before he could ask them. Instead, he moved to the front porch, pacing nervously as he looked for Spiner’s paralegal to arrive.

True to the attorney’s word, he didn’t have long to wait.

The overhead roar of a low-flying C-47 startled Jake, but before he could react an olive drab chute was rapidly descending on him. A man in a professional suit, with a briefcase strapped to his chest, glided in for an easy landing on the lawn.

“Hi there,” he said. “I’m your Spiner, Hernandez, and Xon paralegal. I can be with you as soon as I repack my chute.”

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

September 9, 2014

From “B ‘n’ B Without the B” by B. B. Houwitt

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , |
Leave a Comment 

Tourists and travelers alike agree that the Cascadia Bed and Breakfast is an essential stop on any trip through town. The CBB is located in the former Psi Qoppa Beta fraternity house (which was exorcised and ritually purified after their expulsion from campus after The Incident) which was built in 1875 on the river. Fresh from a full restoration, it is a prime bed and breakfast location in the heart of this bustling city. Bring a sleeping bag, as all of the beds are ornamental. Bring a snack, as food will not be served to guests.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

September 8, 2014

From “A Humble Ant” by Ethan L. Baum

Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: , , , , , , , |
1 Comment 

Excerpt from the WHPL interview of J. Sturgis Tarboski on August 17, 1985.

INTERVIEWER: Tell me a little bit about your latest book, The Othering of Deerton, out this month from Giraudoux & Strauss of New York. It’s the story of strange object infiltrating a fictional small town with unpredictable and often horrifying effects.

TARBOSKI: Horror is in the eye of the beholder, isn’t it? Perhaps from another perspective it’s not horrifying at all.

INTERVIEWER: How do you mean?

TARBOSKI: Imagine some of your better ant poisons. It tastes delicious, so the worker ants carry it back to the nest to share. And it poisons them all, poking holes in their exoskeletons so they die of dehydration or causing them to leak hemolymph–their blood–from their joints. To the ants, that is a catastrophe, a horror. To us, it’s cause for celebration. No more ants.

INTERVIEWER: Are you saying that’s he central thrust of The Othering of Deerton? Something trying to eliminate people in the same way that one would eliminate ants?

TARBOSKI: Not at all. The ants could be carrying food contaminated by a nuclear test back to their nest. They die in the same way but there’s no agency there–we don’t care that they die, but we weren’t trying to kill them. My point was only that in The Othering of Deerton we are the ants, and that–to me–is the real horror of the piece. We’re not used to being the ants.

INTERVIEWER: Could you talk a little bit about your influences in this latest work?

TARBOSKI: Of course. A lot of my peers are cagey about influences; I think they like to seem themselves as fonts of universal genius. Me, I think that it’s disingenuous. If nothing else, influences serve as a nice reading list for people that liked the book.

INTERVIEWER: So what’s your reading list for The Othering of Deerton?

TARBOSKI: Well, anyone can probably see the influence of the Strugatskys, whose Roadside Picnic came out from MacMillan about a year before I started writing, and which I can’t recommend highly enough. It’s to them I owe the central conceit, the effect of the utterly alien on the familiar, though they dwell much more on the aftermath while I am much more in the moment.

INTERVIEWER: They are Soviet authors?

TARBOSKI: That’s right. There’s something wonderful about Soviet science fiction. Ants working for a different queen, if you will. I count a lot of foreign influences on this latest book…lots of different queens, if you will.

INTERVIEWER: What are some others?

TARBOSKI: Well, Borges of course, but he’s in everything I write. I’m trying to learn Spanish so that I can read his works in the original Spanish and perhaps send him a letter. But I think the biggest influence on The Othering of Deerton is probably the late French filmmaker Auguste Des Jardins. I met him in 1975 in New York at a press junket, and I had the opportunity to speak with him at length about his masterpiece, Les trois Juliets. Are you familiar with it?

INTERVIEWER: I’ve heard of it, but I’ve never seen it.

TARBOSKI: You’re missing out. It’s a brilliant, brilliant movie. A French woman finds that there are two other women with the same name, same family, same history, and same face living near her in Montmartre. You might have heard about how Des Jardins supposedly found triplets to play the Juliets; some people still think he did the whole thing with trick photography. In any case, like any fan I asked Des Jardins point-blank what the truth was: why were there three Juliets? Were any of the theories about the film true?

INTERVIEWER: What did he say?

TARBOSKI: He said that he didn’t know.

INTERVIEWER: How could he not know if it was his own film?

TARBOSKI: I asked the same question, and he said that it was the most liberating part of creativity. In the real world, there is cause and effect. But in fiction, in fantasy, you can have effect without cause. Your audience will always find a cause, and their cause will be better than any you could ever dream up; by making your effects compelling, you incite them to find ever more beautiful causes.

INTERVIEWER: Interesting. So if I were to ask you where all the strange items in The Othering of Deerton come from, and what their purpose is, what would you say?

TARBOSKI: I don’t know, I’m just a humble ant.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
 

« Previous Page — Next Page »