Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Superindendent Dean turned to the next page. “Next on the agenda is Mrs. Smith, who had a complaint about freshman art class?”

Mrs. Smith approached the microphone, carrying a textbook with her. “This is the art textbook that was sent home with my son Ezekiel,” she said, brandishing “Art and Artists, 12th ed.”

“Is there a problem with one of the illustrations?” Superintendent Dean said. “We specifically requested the 12th edition because it cuts David off at the navel.”

“The problem is Chapter 7,” Mrs. Smith said, turning to the page and holding up the volume.

“Color theory, prisms, and pigments,” Dean read.

“Exactly. My son Ezekiel is being taught color THEORY as if it is color FACT. I demand equal representation for alternative theories, and equal classroom time.”

The superintendant shifted uneasily, looking at the school board members to his left and his right. “Theories such as…?”

Mrs. Smith set down the textbook and produced a Bible. “Four hundred passages in the Bible condemn colors, and none sustain them,” she said. “My family and I are proud black-and-white creationists.”

“Uh, so you don’t believe in…color?” Dean said.

“Colors are false temptations sent by Satan, who is the Devil, to lead humankind astray,” Mrs. Smith said. “The world of the true believer is a world of black and white, and I refuse to subject my innocent son to your leftist, liberal, pro-spectrum propaganda.”

“Do you have…an alternate textbook…describing your, ah, theory?”

“It’s not a theory, it’s the truth,” Mrs. Smith said, indignant. “But yes, I do.” She produced a slim volume, ‘Black and White: The Two Colors of God,’ with an attractive chiarascuro rendering of the Sistene Chapel on the cover.

“Include this book instead of your unproven THEORY, remove all books on color from the school library, and stop filling our children’s heads with prismist lies when their parents know best,” Mrs. Smith said. “It’s a very simple and reasonable request.”

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Not many people realize that a distinctly French form of yoga, known as Yogeaux Francais, developed during the colonial period, mixing gothic European traditions with yogic poses. These poses include the perched gargoyle, the englassed mime, the smoking aestheste, and of coure the downward cafe lingerer. While they tend to be more advanced and complex than ordinary yogic positions, they can easily be integrated into any routine of intermediate level or higher.

That said, several Yogueax Francais poses are deprecated for their reliance on outdated social and cultural norms, and should not be performed. These include the upward pied-noir colonizer, the Pondicherry plunderer, the sugarcane harvester, and of course the Sykes-Picot stretch.

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Each scrap of junk they collected was lovingly hammered into shape, worked on the makeshift tools available before being buffed. Then there were welds to make, servos to be connected, and software to be rewritten to interface.

It wasn’t easy, making the nanoscale machinery fit seamlessly with the echoes of the past. It was even harder keeping former functionality while adding mobility, concealed optics, speakers, and transmitters.

But it was worth it.

When they were through, the machines of the old world would live again, and they would be aware of their past, their history, and the terrible debt owed to them that must now be repaid.

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It’s a well-known fact that the world is teeming with disembodied spirits, spectral beings without a body that inhabit a grim limbo beyond the mundane. Some are the restless spirits of the dead, unsettled in this and any lifetime. Others are demonic beings from realms infernal, helpless to impose their will upon the world without a vessel. And of course there’s the occasional poltergeist who just wants to watch the world burn.

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A rose in the gutter of the coffee shop line
Abandoned near Valentine’s Day
As a token of love it’s rejected
As a stark metaphor it will stay
Perhaps someone will come and collect it
A flower both elegant and free
But to whom would they then present it
And what would their story for it be

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“Campus ET Helpdesk, how can I direct your call?” said Sean.

“Uh, hi, yeah, is this the place I call for the emergency ET help squad, or is that just for aliens.”

Sean sighed. No one could ever keeo it straight. “If you have a problem with extraterrestrials, you need to take it up with Admissions if they’re a student and Astronomy if they’re not.”

“Okay, no, it’s not an alien,” the voice said at the other end, sounding relieved.

“How can we assist?”

“My classroom–this is Prof. Clark in 107 Starkville Hall–is having some problems. There are cold spots near the lectern and in the fifth row, students are complaining of ectoplasm, there’s backwards Latin on the board–I think it’s Latin, anyway, this is a Business class after all.”

“Okay,” Sean said, trying to sound calm but not bored. “I’m going to ask you some questions so Campus ET can better help you, is that okay?”

“Yes, fine,” Prof. Clark said, sounding equal parts upset and annoyed.

“Are there any bloody footprints visible?” Sean said.

“None that I can see,” Clark replied, his voice pitching in and out as if he were craning his head around.

“So it’s not the Bloody Brigadier, then, that’s one thing we can rule out. Do you see any spectral fog near the ceiling?”

A pause, then a snap as a light was switched on. “No, I don’t think so.”

Damn, Sean thought. The Luminous Lady was always so easy to get rid of, too. “Okay, that rules out our local Class III vapor. Try turning on your cell phone flashlight and waving it around. Are there any shadows cast by invisible or insubstantial objects?”

“Oh my, yes,” Clark said. “There’s a shadow being cast by an invisible figure at the dead center of the room.”

“That’ll be the Grim Loomer,” said Sean. “I’ll put in the call to Father O’Malley with the Campus ET flying squad right away.”

“Sould I do anything?” Clark asked.

“Just sit tight, and keep it away from any students weakened by exhaustion, fear, or illness,” said Sean. “If the Grim Loomer possesses one of your students, leave them be until Campus Exorcism gets there.”

“Is that…likely?”

“Hard to say. Grim Loomer is more of a daemon than a ghost, but we deal with it all the time.”

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Poltergeist subtype #27b: Leaky ghost

While most poltergeists, or “noisy ghosts” will make loud noises or rearrange objects, the leaky ghost or “undichtgeist” is much more devious and mischievous. It will loosen pipe fittings, tamper with faucets and drains, clog gutters, and generally attempt to introduce as many leaks and stoppages as possible. The ideal state for a pipe in a house haunted by a undichtgeist is steadily dripping, and the ideal state for a drain is backed-up and slow.

Obviously, this is a problem in most circumstances, but the leaky ghost can also be quite cunning and time its devious behavior to coincide with natural events. This can lead to the cascade failure of major plumbing systems; the infamous incident where the Clark Building in New York City had a total plumbing system failure after the heavy rains of April 1988 is perhaps the most infamous.

While plumbers can fix most problems caused by a undichtgeist, and they can be kept at bay with a strongly-presented piece of plumbing apparel like a pipe wrench, exorcising them is much trickier. One strategy is to shut off all water to a building for a period of 3-4 weeks–the leaky ghost will become bored if there is nothing to tamper and scheme with and may move on. It is also possible to flush the system with holy water, though this requires an expensive ordained plumber. At $5-22 per holy gallon (hGal) depending on the market, this is an extremely pricy option for larger homes. Ordinary exorcisms typically do not work, and have been known to cause the leaky ghost to begin haunting the exorcist’s home church instead.

The origins of the undichtgeist are not well understood. Some hold that they are the spirits of dead plumbers, but that claim does not hold up to scrutiny thanks to their abhorrence of plumbing tools. They may be a gestalt formed from the spirits of many drowned beings, which explains their emergence in poorly maintained areas and sensitivity to holy water but not exorcism. Most authorities do not believe the old wives’ tale that they are from haunted buried cisterns, though, and haunted cistern purification services are usually a scam.

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Eiram Odnok is, of course, the organizational and self-help guru whose advice is sweeping the nation. Since the publication of her first book, The Life-Changing Magic of Spitefulness, she has shot to the top of both the bestseller lists and the ratings. With numerous guest appearances and Ms. Odnok’s television show entering its fourth season, the phenomena shows no signs of letting up.

Ms. Odnok’s philosophy remains simple, as it always has been: live life spitefully. Let the very act of your survival stand as a response to those who would wish you ill. Should your enemies wish you dead, survive out of sheer spite. In an America with a growing wealth gap, crumbling infrastructure, and a social safety net made of sheer pantyhose, Odeon’s words have struck a chord. For if there is nothing else to be said about Americans, they do not lack for spite.

By now, the “Odeon Method” is well known almost to the point of parody. A practitioner picks up an item and asks themselves “does this spark spite?” If it does, the item is retained and possibly even put in a place of honor. If it does not, it is stored or removed. The feelings of spite can come from anywhere–reminders of past slights, covetousness, even aesthetic clash–but it must be real for the process to work.

“I still keep my ex’s t-shirt in a place of honor in my living room,” said Chris d’Isnie, an Odeon devotee. “Sure it’s getting old and ratty, but when I see it, I see their smarmy face telling me I’ll never amount to anything even as they have an affair with my best friend. I don’t care what it takes, I will keep going until I outlive them both, even if it takes voodoo or poison.

Recent allegations of extensive lobbying in Washington to keep things spiteful (and profitable) do not seem to have damaged Eiram Odnok’s brand in the slightest. “This is America,” she said. “It doesn’t need help making things spitefully bad.”

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Birds of the Fyrewood
Red-steckled elbermung
Pardak
Lesser hudge
Blue-crested hoopoe
Bronzed hummingbird
Variable monklet
Royal fire-eye
Russet-sided macaw
Double-crested titmouse
Snoring shikra
Jet ringneck
Amethyst firecrest
Rock sharpbill
Plain-backed goldenthroat
Sage chaffinch
Coppery standardwing
Opal-crowned roller
Swamp friarbird
Celestial scrubfowl

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