May 22, 2016

From “Guide to the Undead: Zats” by Blythe Hilson

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ZATS

Zombie cats, or zats, are the third most common form of zombified animal (after zogs and zice, respectively). They are driven by compulsion to slaughter the living and eat their flesh, but as normal living cats exhibit the same behaviors, it’s less noticible.

As with all post-necrotic beings, zats need a steady stream of living tissue to sustain their unlife. Unlike normal cats, this craving cannot be sated with canned food or butcher meat. Experts recommend a supply of feeder pets, available at most well-stocked pet stores, fed to the zat at a rate of 1-2 per day. Outside zats will hunt small rodents naturally but if left unchecked will not consume all of them, leading many to rise from the grave as zice.

Post-necrosis can be caught from zats but it is rare as the retro-prion has to mutate to infect them. Avoiding bites and scratches is still advised, and de-fanging and de-clawing are commonplace for that reason. Zats still have enough unholy strength to crush feeder mice in their toothless maws in most cases.

Like all post-necrotics, zats are suceptible to rot. To maintain your zat in peak condition, experts recomment a thorough wipedown with formaldehyde every 12 hours and a longer immersion in embalming chemicals once per week. Most local funeral homes will provide these materials for a fee.

Since these intensive standards of care are equivalent to those lavished on most living felines, zats are among the most popular post-necrotic pets. With proper care, they will enjoy unlife for up to a decade before they finally disintegrate.

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May 21, 2016

From “Minch’s Hot Yoda Studio” by Haydon Tomich

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MINCH: Hi there, I’m Minch, and I’m the owner and proprietor of Minch’s Hot Yoda.

[External image of MINCH’S HOT YODA in the strip mall opposite Tanget]

MINCH: We offer a full slate of classes in the ancient exercise form of yoda, from beginners to experts. In a world that’s largely burned out on trendy yoga, our yoda classes offer the same dime-store philosophizing along with the ability to kick some serious ass.

[Video of MINCH’S HOT YODA students fighting each other with foam lightsabers, jumping about like grasshoppers and visibly sweating]

MINCH: Our lightsaber drills combined with Dagobah-hot temperatures guarantee that you’ll lose weight, gain strength in your core, and send your midichlorian count through the roof assuming you believe in that nonesense.

[Video of MINCH’S HOT YODA students stacking rocks and lifting X-Wings with pulleys]

MINCH: Whether you’re interested in the meditative, deliberate Puppet Yoda style or the hyperkinetic, unrealistic CGI Yoda style, Minch’s Hot Yoda has it! Darksiders need not apply. Open on the fourth, fifth, and sixth days of the week, since the others don’t count.

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May 17, 2016

From “The Sudden Dilemma of Count von Blüdferatu” by Mariana Brinson

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Count von Blüdferatu had fallen somewhat from the 1300s when he had a Carpathian empire at his command, but he was doing all right for himself.

Living as an undercover vampire in a lovely flat.

It wasn’t glamorous, but it could be worse. Count von Blüdferatu could have suffered the fate of his cousin the Marquis de Suek–staked–or his old friend Baron Saugerblüd–head cut off with a silver sickle and stuffed with wolfsbane. Compared to that, living in a comfortable apartment and going out every other full moon to feed could have been a lot worse.

In order to keep up the facade of not drinking blood with a little lymph to taste, Count von Blüdferatu dropped in on his neighbors from time to time after sunset. He never fed on them, and in fact he counted on them to be his alibis.

This evening, he dropped in on the swarthy Italian who was cleaning out the old crêpe shop that had gone out of business after the Saudis flooded the market with cronuts in ’12.

“Greetings, friend,” said Count von Blüdferatu. “What sort of shop do yo plan to open here?”

“Oh, it’s an idea I’ve had forever now,” said the Italian brightly, “a bakery specializing in garlic bread!”

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May 16, 2016

From “Anus Kidney and the Macaroni Rocket” by Blythe Hilson

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INTERVIEWER: Cooter MacKnair, your fans everywhere are dying to know: why did you call your band Anus Kidney and the Macaroni Rocket?

MACKNAIR: Well, it’s a funny story, love. My mate Annie Dusky and I were talking one evening, yeah? Just jamming. And she was slamming the Guiness, really kicking it back, yeah? Coz it’s her muse. And I says to her, I says, “Annie, you’re going to pop a kidney soon and have a transplant.”

INTERVIEWER: Ann Dusky, your bass player and vocalist?

MACKNAIR: Natch. So Annie says to me, she says, “Cooter, I’d rather die than to have a big old nasty scar on me side like that.” Annie’s a lil bit needle-phobid, you see, otherwise I’ve have just said she could tat over the thing.

INTERVIEWER: Unlike you.

MACKNAIR: Cor, that’s right, you know I’ve got more ink than a squid with the trots. But anyway, I says to Annie, I says, “Well, they could go in through your bum, you know, with a long pair of tweezers and a lil camera and do it that way. Slip you a new kidney right up the back nine.”

INTERVIEWER: I see.

MACKNAIR: Then Annie says to me, she says, “Cooter, don’t be mental. They couldn’t do that, they haven’t got the tools.” And then I says to her, I says, “Yes they do, they go in through a little hole all the time with a camera and whatnot.”

INTERVIEWER: Endoscopic surgery, I believe it’s called.

MACKNAIR: Yeah! So I told her that and Annie says, she says, “Well, even allowing for the possibility that they could, I’d die of sepsis from a ruptured colon if they tried to stuff a kidney up me bum!”

INTERVIEWER: And what did you say?

MACKNAIR: Well, I allowed that she was right, it’d be a real danger to life and bum. But I says to Annie, I says, “Even so, you have to allow it’s possible, love.” Maybe not easy, maybe really hard, maybe really dangerous. But she wouldn’t allow for it!

INTERVIEWER: Is this where the macaroni rocket comes in to play?

MACKNAIR: Cor, exactly. I says to Annie, I says, “It’s like a rocket made of macaroni. You could get it to the moon if you wanted. It’d be mental to do it, real hard and real expensive, but you could do it! Just like you could transplant a kidney through the bumhole.

INTERVIEWER: How, exactly, would a macaroni rocket work?

MACKNAIR: Well, you’d need to build it in orbit. Use a lot of the stuff. But if you gave it a rocket and some momentum in a vacuum, and it didn’t whang into a meteorite, it’d get there with time.

INTERVIEWER: And what did Annie say?

MACKNAIR: She said it’d be a good name for a rock band, love!

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May 15, 2016

From “Sportscasters Carl Drake and Tom Hicks Address the Class of 2016” by Jacelyn “Bali Mojo” Marina

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CARL: This is Carl Drake, play-by-play commentator for NBS Broadcasting, coming at you live from the speaker’s podium at this beautiful commencement ceremony.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. This is Tom Hicks, color commentator for NBS Broadcasting, and it’s my honor to be the keynote speaker for this graduation along with my partner Carl.

CARL: Interesting that they chose to have both of us share the podium and a single speaking slot.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. People seem to assume that we’re some sort of composite organism like the podracer announcer from that godawful Star Wars movie rather than individuals with their own feelings and spouses and debts, figuring that we can split a podium and an honorarium.

CARL: And isn’t that really what brings us here today? You young people out there in the crowd are about to split, to take off those ridiculous wizard robes and move back in with your parents while you try to find the one place in the world that’s hiring art historians.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. I for one remember graduating from this university with a degree in broadcast journalism and looking forward to my first day as an anchor. Two months at KSUL filling in while Jennifer Chatham was on maternity leave for slave labor wages was enough to disabuse me of that notion.

CARL So let me send you forth today with this message: It’s okay to fail. Fail early, and fail often. Why, I bet that out of the three thousand of you before us less than half of you will find jobs in your major, fewer still if we cut out the business majors that will be handed family businesses to suander on a silver platter.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. Only by failing miserably at what you thought you wanted to do an you find a niche where your skills and qualifications will allow you work you can live with every day without the overwhelming urge to soul-kiss a Walther.

CARL For Tom and me, that’s sportscasting–using his broadcasting degree and my PhD in 19th-century British literature to form words that most people ignore in favor of live footage of men irreperably damaging their central nervous systems by using the human spinal column as a battering ram.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. I would go so far as to say that someone who has never failed is the true failure. It’s very meta, if you think about it.

CARL: So Tom and I charge you thusly: go forth and fail often and spectaculy. Try not to get anyone killed in the process. And eventually, with a little luck and a little skill, you may find yourself a vocation you can live with.

TOM: That’s right, Carl. A vocation that allows your tiny alma mater to invite you back as an ersatz commencement speaker after the preferred candidate backs out due to the passage of a bill by your idiot state legislature declaring that Muslims are banned from bathrooms statewide.

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May 14, 2016

From “Hot Room Yoga” by Margo Hoyoto

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Daniel “Colorado Dan” Upanishads took a deep breath and surveyed his yoga class.

Emmylou Richards’ lotus has wilted as she struggled to keep herself upright while giggling.

John Dushington’s downward-facing dog was chasing its tail as he repeatedly assumed the position only to fall flat and cry out that the force of gravity had it in for him.

Madison Jung’s leotard had slipped away and her half-moon had become a full moon.

Lance Wladziu’s crane was more of a backhoe, with him wheezing about on the floor in between plaintitive cries for burgers and chips.

“Hmm,” said Colorado Dan. “Maybe these Pot Yoga classes still have a few kinks to be worked out.”

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May 13, 2016

From “The Revenant in the Fried Chicken Line at Graduation” by 555-3253

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1:23 PM

555-3253 I’m in line for fried chicken

555-3253 They give you your drink up front but you have to wait for your bird

555-3253 Only place on campus serving hot food right now

555-3253 Line’s big enough for a congressman 😀

1:37 PM

555-3253 I hope you’ll bear with me on this epic journey of hope

1:49 PM

555-3253 We lost six men to a mama bear attack during the carpet crossing

1:56 PM

555-3253 I am looking up at the sun streaming through the windows as the ice melts silently in my soda pop

2:11 PM

555-3253 I grunt and pant in the carpeted wilderness. Only the wild animals around me reply.

2:19 PM

555-3253 I will have my vengeance

555-3253 I will track that chicken to the ends of the earth

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May 11, 2016

From “Carnivora’s Legacy” by Mariana Brinson

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“I’m dying.” Carnivora the great toothed plant sighed. “You must take these seedlings and distribute them to secure my legacy.”

“But why, Carnivora?” said Billy. “Why are you dying?”

“I’m a vegan, Billy,” Carnivora said. “I’ve foresworn hateful meat and refused to eat any part of anything with a face. And with no soy that will satiate me…this is the end.”

Billy bowed his head sorrowfully. “I’m so sorry, Carnivora.”

“Promise me, Billy. Swear an unbreakable oath that you’ll see my seedlings planted.”

“I swear, Carnivora,” said Billy through his tears. “I swear.”

“Thank you.” The great plant sighed and began to wilt.

“Uh, Carnivora?” Billy said after a moment’s thought. “Won’t your seedlings die too if they’re all vegans?”

“Oh, no,” said Carnivora. “They’re not vegans, Billy. Those seedlings are carnivorous as hell and they’re going to eat your world from the inside out.”

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May 10, 2016

From “Taking After Daddy” by Norris Suncress

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Have you ever tried chewing without a mouth? I did. Mainly because I don’t have a mouth. Getting the food between my teeth is extremely difficult.

You might ask what point there is in doing so without a mouth. Well, I secrete an extremely potent acid in my throat that liquifies just about everything that isn’t me. It doesn’t do anything to my teeth either, kind of a consolation prize for the whole no-mouth thing. I can squirt the acid between my teeth at you if you get rude or by accident, so be careful.

Naturally, that gives me a bit of a strange look, so I wear my happy mask so people won’t stare. It’s made of solid brass so it won’t corrode, and it’s featureless aside from two holes for my eyes. I think people find it dashing, really.

I take after my father, as they say. I never did find out how Mom met the Dread Faceless Muolih, let alone had a one-night stand with him, but the unholy screech of my birth did paralyze her and drive her insane, so I never really asked.

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May 9, 2016

From “Grandma’s Sandwich Cookbook” by Akima Wren

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Cucumber and Shrimp
A tasty treat perfect for entertaining and bridge parties. Refrigerate shrimp and cucumber to preserve freshness. Add to toasted bread just before serving. Works best with a black pudding spread made from grandmother’s blood left to clot.

Mock Paté
Class up your sandwich offerings with a spread that seems expensive; only your bill can tell the difference. Remove casing from liver sausage and mash with salad dressing. Add bone marrow from grandmother’s tibia, fibula as emulsifier. Spread after congealing in fridge overnight.

Lobster and Pickle
Not to be confused with Cucumber and Shrimp, this is a dinner sandwich and not to be served at games or from a tray. Refrigerate lobster and pickle to preserve crispness. Add to baked bread just before serving. Works best with a boiled-down aspic from grandmother’s inner ear bones.

Liveraisin
The perfect way to get children to eat healthy, iron-rich liver. Raisins may be store-bought or home-dried. Slice grandmother’s liver thin, add raisins between layers or in natural cavities. Aim for a 10:1 ratio in favor of raisins at first, then decrease as kids get used to the taste.

Mint Butter
The perfect spread for any occasion before Labor Day. Mash mints and mix with emulsifier of boiled grandmother bones and blood at the “black pudding” stage. ANCHOVY PASTE MAY BE SUBSTITUTED FOR MINT. Spread on thick-cut or toasted breads.

Yum-Yum Sandwich
A sweet treat to be used as a reward for well-behaved children. Cream, marshmallow, dates, pears, grapes, pineapple, sugar, sweetmeats from fresh grandmother. Cut up or mash before preparation and mix or blend thoroughly to ensure an even texture.

Marmanut
A light and airy delight for hot days before Memorial Day or after Labor Day. Unsuitable for any occasion in between. Rhubarb marmalade, nuts, raisins, dates, and vitreous humor from grandmother’s eyeballs as stabilizer.

Crust Butter
A money-saving spread for all budgets. Bread crusts from all the other sandwiches mixed with salad dressing and rendered fat from grandmother. Add to any recipe as a spread or enjoy on its own.

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