“I won’t do it,” Gibbons cried. “You can’t make me.”

“Make you do what?” laughed Spinelli.

“Make me your guinea pig in all these magical insect demonstrations!” Gibbons replied, her voice shrilly passionate. “I’ve been mauled by a toothless ghast, mind-controlled into eating an Iowa’s worth of corn…orders or no orders, I’m not doing it!”

“Relax,” said Spinelli. “The Fighting Unicorns aren’t about coercion. Would it make you feel better if I was the next demonstration subject and you got to release the insect on me?”

Gibbons nodded eagerly, a fiendish gleam in her eyes, and Spinelli obligingly handed over a small case and a cue card before standing in the middle of the proving ground.

“This is a species of Auchenorrhyncha, best known for…producing loud noises in summer,” read Gibbons from the card. She opened the container and a repulsive insect resembling a giant housefly with oversized (and bright green) wings buzzed out. It made a beeline for Spinelli, who held out his arm for it to land on.

“Go on,” Spinelli said.

“The creature’s natural song…has evolved into a strong magical defense mechanism that uses sound to cause nausea at a distance,” Gibbons continued. “The sound becomes more potent at greater range, with a zone of safety extending about one meter…to…all…sides.” She looked up. “Oh no.”

As if on cue, the insect on Spinelli’s arm buzzed loudly. Spinelli himself felt nothing, but Gibbons, standing some distance away, was immediately and violently nauseous, and turned to hurl a mixture of various kinds of corn all over the waiting cadets.”

“And that, ladies and gentlemen,” Spinelli said with a grin, “is why we call this particular specimen a Sick Ada.”

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“I stayed up all night,” I said, “trying to think of something witty to say to the Queen.”

“Really now?” The Queen’s eyes twinkled. “What did you come up with?”

“I just said it,” I laughed.

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Excerpted from the Ruins & Rogues Creature Compendium, incorporating materials from the Sorcerers & Sabers Interverse Guide

Meth Zombie
Size: M
Hit Dice: 3d13+5
Treasure: Class X
Armor Class: Developmental
Attacks: +2 (claws), +2 (jaws), Special (addiction)

In the turmoil among the Interversal Continuums brought about by the industrial revolution and the Age of Addiction, the continuums relating to basic elements rapidly proliferated as the Old Continuums broke up and new ones formed from the debris. Among the most recent new elemental continuums is the Interversal Continuum of Amphetamines, formed from broken shards of the Interversal Continuum of Pure and Applied Chemistry and the Interversal Continuum of Explosions.

Meth Zombies are the most common denizens of the Interversal Continuum of Amphetamines, generally created elsewhere and then brought to serve their masters beyond the veil of the Prime World. Dull-eyed and shuffling, with rotten features and a nauseating stench, the Meth Zombies instinctively attack all other creatures on sight. They can be commanded and given simple directions by interversal beings from their continuum at the level of Meth Lord or higher, though. They attacks with simple but powerful clawing and biting, but each attack carries a 2% chance of inflicting Addiction on their target.

Addicted targets will single-mindedly seek out and consume crystals of methamphetamine, often by attacking the crystallized rind that covers portions of the zombies’ bodies. They will continue to consume until they perish of heart failure, after which they will rise as a Meth Zombie in 6-8 hours.

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Ten – The gentle father figure of the group. He watches over the family from a firm position of authority, but is often on the patriarchal side and can be condescending. He’s often accused of favoring Five, and his close relationship with One Hundred and his popularity in general leads to some affluenza on his part–Ten is often blind to the problems of other numbers or dismissive of them.

Nine – Jealous and scheming, Nine openly covets Ten’s position. She is energetic and bold, often enlisting Eighteen and Twenty-Seven in her schemes, but often fails to realize how toxic her desire to supplant Ten really is to the others. She is always quick to point (and harp on) out the relatively rare instances in popular culture where she is prominent, and penned a long and fawning letter to J.R.R. Tolkien because of it. She is also keenly aware that she is the only non-prime odd in the first ten, which feeds her sense of inadequacy even more.

Eight – Eight is Ten’s unofficial second-in-command, a position formally accorded to Nine but rarely acted upon because of the latter’s jealousy. This has caused a rift and much animosity between the two, which pains Eight, but he sees his duty to support Ten as paramount. Eight is also a mentor for Four and Two to a much greater extent than Ten, who prefers to remain aloof. He and Five are close, though Five cares more for organization for its own sake than loyalty, and Eight is quietly aggrieved by the seemingly unearned favoritism Ten shows Five.

Seven – Happy-go-lucky and without a care in the world, Seven trusts to luck rather than skill and doesn’t concern herself with personal advancement or worry about setbacks. This easy personability, and the esteem with which she is held by gamblers, causes her more uptight neighbors considerable consternation. Officially the leader of the Prime Club, Seven is content to delegate the real work to Five in favor of a life of leisure and luck. The more fastidious numbers are consistently irritated by this outlook and Seven’s easy relationship with the popular Twenty-One and Forty-Nine.

Six – Six is matronly and motherly, often doing her best to smother the others, especially Three and Two, in adulation. This causes some friction between her and some of her more practical neighbors, who see her as mollycoddling and intrusive, but Six is simply compelled to love and care for the others as best she can. She is deeply enamored of Ten, who remains (willfully or not) oblivious to her affections.

Five – Five is fastidious and detail-oriented, a born technocrat and firm believer in a regimented lifestyle. This attitude is often misunderstood as bossiness by Seven and Nine, but Five simply prefers a businesslike relationship to the world. She is exasperated by disorder and messiness, and is the unofficial leader of the Prime Club because of this. Fifteen and especially Twenty-Five often aid her in attempts to bring order to chaos.

Four – Much as Eight is Ten’s shadow and lieutenant, Four is inseparable from Five in the latter’s quest for order, structure, and organization. Four would deny it, and Five is oblivious to it, but there is a strong romantic undercurrent to this service. Four does his best to communicate Five’s schemes to the others and make her unreasonable demands reasonable, but often fails and is disparaged as a toady or lackey on top of that. Banned from Prime Club meetings, he often resorts to sneaky trick to try and infiltrate their meetings, usually without any success.

Three and Two – Three and Two are romantically linked to an extent that many of their neighbors find unhealthy and showy, constantly mooning over each other with grandiose declarations of devotion and extravagant gifts. Their every move is taken jointly as a statement of high drama, and their constant breakups, reconciliations, and attempts to make the other jealous are a constant source of annoyance. They have taken One under their wing and are often blamed for enabling the latter’s learned helplessness and other problems. Secretly, Three and Two fear that they are not ultimately as compatible or in love as they claim, which is a constant source of annoyance to everyone except One, Six, and Ten.

One – Immature and infantile, One has difficulty breaking out of the comfortable pattern of being the baby and mollycoddled. She’s well-liked by the others, but is often exasperating in her refusal to take any responsibility seriously and the lengths to which the others often have to go in order to make up for her lack of engagement and preference for having others do work. She participates in the Prime Club despite not officially being a member, which the Primes resent, but they find it easier to just let her in than to listen to her constant whining.

Zero – A mysterious figure, Zero comes and goes as he pleases and prefers not to talk or engage with any of the others. His air of detachment conceals a deep need to be accepted and an intense feeling of inadequacy, which he tries to offset by putting on airs. His unnerving ability to sneak around has earned him the enmity of more skittish neighbors, but he has the support of the powerful 100 and the even more mysterious i and e.

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NBS Broadcasting and NBS Sports is proud to present this week’s Tom Hicks and Carl Drake “Underdog of the Moment” award to the University of Northern Mississippi’s Fighting Abolitionists. Fresh off their 31-30 defeat of the Southern Michigan University Fighting Grizzlies, the Abs are up against the #2 ranked State University of Arkansas Devastating Tornadoes.

Drake had this to say about the pick: “While the ‘Does smashed their last opponent, Arkansas State, 97-2, I feel that the Abs have a fighting chance against the larger, better-funded, and more popular school. Why? Because the season is looking like a dull-as-ditchwater arms race between the schools with the biggest pocketbooks right now, and predicting unlikely upsets is as close to some real suspense as we’re likely to get.”

Hicks added that “Northern Mississippi hasn’t beaten a nationally ranked school since 1910, but the fans here have never given up hope, and it’s that do-or-die, giving 110%, hustle, and follow-through that ekes them out a special place among the sacrificial opponents the ‘Does have lined up to preserve their strength and sharpen their teeth before the inevitable bowl game.”

SUOA ‘Does coach Howard Gristle said of the award: “We’re looking forward to playing a team with gumption, and I guarantee that my boys will face a tough battle to be courteous as they pick the Abs out of their teeth, but I am confident that they have the hustle and follow-through to pull it off.”

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“It’s simply that a koala isn’t what I was anticipating ,” said the client.

“Oh, so you think that koalas are somehow inherently unable to do mercenary work?” the bear said, its voice strangled and unnatural, issuing as it did from the koala’s nasal vocal folds..

“Well, I’ve never even met a mercenary before, much less one who was a kolala,” the client said quickly.

“I’m one of the handful of critters that can properly handle a gun,” the koala sighed. “With two thumbs, I can shoot better and more accurately than anyone or anything else! I can see better than humans and smell better than humans to boot.”

Genuine curiosity and defensive scorn; the client was seemingly torn between both. “Why haven’t I seen any koala mercenaries before, then?”

“Dolls. Recently humans’ dolls have gotten fat enough so their clothes are our size,” the mercenary koala said, “and that’s what’s been holding us back in the eucalyptus trees all these years. The only thing.”

“So, can you help me?” The client shifted uneasily.

“Yes, provided you can meet my fee,” the koala said. “50 pounds of young and tender eucalyptus shoots a day, plus expenses.”

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The Omnidome, GA: In an official statement this afternoon, NBS Television blamed the interruption of its live coverage of the Southern Michigan University-University of Northern Mississippi on “technicult problems.” The SMU Fighting Grizzlies and the UNM Fighting Abolitionists were in the second quarter of the GesteCo Bowl in Westchester Repeating Arms stadium when the transmission was suddenly cut to digital television subscribers and live online feeds, with only local radio commentary by WREK radio remaining uninterrupted.

“Is is our great regret that the much-anticipated GesteCo Bowl was interrupted by technicult difficulties,” said an NBS executive as part of the statement. “Members of the Church of the Anti-Machine, a radical technicult that rejects and believes any technology invented after 1800 to be sinful and mind-controlling, attacked our primary relay station with swords, torches, and flintlock muskets. Our defenses were designed around a direct, large-scale assault, and their small one-man groups were able to penetrate the outer defense. We sincerely apologize to anyone who felt offended or inconvenienced.”

At press time, NBS Television and its parent corporation Lucky 777 Dragon Industries of Shanghai, had not commented on whether losses to advertisers and fans would be compensated monetarily or simply though apologizing with nice cheap words.

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Excerpted from the Ruins & Rogues Creature Compendium, incorporating materials from the Sorcerers & Sabers Interverse Guide

Menthol Dragon
Size: S (young) to VL (old)
Hit Dice: 12d13+25 (subtract 5 HP for each year of age under 100, minimum 25)
Treasure: Class D (common), Class B (uncommon)
Armor Class: Advanced Placement
Attacks: +6 (claws), Special (breath)

In ages past, the so-called Elemental Drakes who traveled the Interverse tended to reflect he classical conception of the elements: fire, water, earth, air (occasionally adding light and dark). But, as the Interverse is nothing if not a mirror of the Primary World, the invention of new materials has let to new races of Elemental Drakes.

The Menthol Dragon is one such, hailing from either the Interversal Continuum of Smoke or the Interversal Continuum of Disease. It exists in opposition to the Unfiltered Dragons in the former and the Fruit Dragons in the latter. The dragons project a powerful soothing aura for 10′ around them, against which all players wishing to harm the dragons must roll. While they can attack with their claws, causing +6 soothing damage, their breath weapon is their most potent tool. A blast of high-pressure menthol, it will sooth anything into a coma within a 20′ cone. A successful roll against soothing will result in only numbness and an intense desire for cough drops and cigarettes.

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This column, a response to the previous columns by William “Black Bill” Cubbins IV and Felisa Lloyd Matsumura-Tamaribuchi is from Poe Edminster-Caar. Dr. Edminster-Caar is a professor of Undead Studies at Ravensholme University in New England and the author of the controversial undead rights book “I Am Zombie.” As one of the first openly zombie faculty members at a major North American university, Dr. Edminster-Caar has won five ZAAD awards and the prestigious Golden Brain trophy from the Swedish Zombie Academy.

I was, as ever, amused to see the childish infighting between pirate affairs commentator “Black Bill” Cubbins and ninja activist Felisa Matsumura-Tamaribuchi in these pages. One can predict their scrapes with almost clockwork efficiency, point and counterpoint, attempts at serious discourse by one hijacked in favor of shrill condemnation by the other, all in the service of flogging their pet horses in the ridiculously named “Pirate-Ninja Peace Process.” Which, as Voltaire might quip, involves neither pirates, nor ninjas, nor peace, nor a process.

It matters not, though, because in the end they will all taste the same when they are devoured by zombies.

I have been accused, occasionally, by living commentators of militantly pushing an “undead agenda” and attempting to pervert the young and the impressionable into taking up a zombie lifestyle. Implicit in that is the backwards notion that zombiehood is a “deathstyle choice” or acceptance of the abhorrent “resurrection camps” where people attempt to “cure” zombies, as if we are suffering from some sort of affliction or disease. I am certainly more reasonably in my pursuits than Mr. Cubbins or Ms. Matsumura-Tamaribuchi, I think, though not for any lack of passion.

Rather, I am confident that time is on my side and that history will prove that we zombies are the ultimate solution to the “pirate-ninja peace process” and indeed all societal problems. Once we’ve all grown enlightened enough to learn that zombiehood is as natural as being alive, and is in fact preferable, we can all agree that laying down and accepting living death will solve all the world’s problems. Mr. Cubbins and Ms. Matsumura-Tamaribuchi are united in their opposition to undead rights, perhaps the only thing they do agree on, but even now any country or municipality that bans open zombiehood is experiencing a brain drain to more undead-friendly locales, and whether by persuasion or open bitings on the street, zombies will soon render both pirates and ninjas obsolete, with those that resist shown the error of their ways through the devouring of their delectable brain matter.

History is on our side; we will exhume you.

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Yesterday’s post by Willam “Black Bill” Cubbins has elicited the following response from Felisa Lloyd Matsumura-Tamaribuchi. Ms. Matsumura-Tamaribuchi is a noted participant in the Occupy Treasure Island movement, the Sharper Blades, Sharper Minds katana outreach program, and the United Ninja College Fund. She is a current Distinguished Daimyo at Kaizoku University and is the Tokugawa Chair of Shinobi Studies there.

I actually find myself agreeing with the vile corsair “Black Bill” Cubbins when he wrote in his recent column warning against cultural misappropriation and lack of diversity within “Talk Like A Pirate Day,” a pseudo-holiday that no doubt many of he and his fellow repulsive buccaneers would like wiped off the face of the earth in as much as it highlights their inability to form articulate and coherent thoughts and sentences and their predisposition to plunder and violence.

But I would go even farther than “Black Bill” and argue that he and his race and their expansionist piratism are guilty of the very charges with which they seek to tar and muzzle their opponents. After all, what is the pirate-promoted image of the ninja as a violent and mercenary group of assassins but cultural misappropriation? What is the racist, xenophobic, colon-blocking, and meteor-summoning pirate occupation and oppression of ninja islands of spice and gold if not a lack of diversity? Humanity may be a beautiful rainbow, but it is clear that pirates are the reddest part of that rainbow, unable to communicate except by cannon fire and boardings in what they hypocritically call self-defense.

What about the Battle of Kagishuma Shrine Island which “Black Bill” mentioned in passing? Even though pirates claim to have given up their claims to that sacred outpost of ninjadom, they saw fit to invade it again over the summer, cannons and flintlocks blazing. By rough estimates compiled by the Ninjauthority, a completely impartial and independent group, over 200,000 ninjas died in the assault out of a prewar population of 200,001. And all that just because the ninjas of that peaceful island were exercising their sacred right, as ingrained at the bedrock of our culture and heritage, to raid passing pirate galleons and stuff the flayed skins of their crews with straw for use as targeting dummies. The pirate-run media has, of course, only taken their side in the matter through their biased reporting of ninjas going into battle wearing their own children as armor (which anyone with five minutes and Wikipedia knows is actually both a sacred tradition and a necessity on tiny Kagishuma Shrine Island).

In short, we must take “Black Bill” Cubbins at his word every “Talk Like A Pirate Day,” and indeed every day of the year, by pledging our lives and our treasure to the cause of throwing every last pirate back into the sea and slaughtering them to a man in the name of the peaceful ninja peoples.

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