This Christmas Eve, the Amarillo Armadillo Smokehouse and Steakery invites you to join us for our latest taste treat: a pound and a half of beef tenderloin, smothered in blueberries. We call it the Smurf ‘n’ Turf, and we think it’s just the thing for the winter blues.
December 24, 2016
From “Smurf ‘n’ Turf” by Blythe Hilson
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December 20, 2016
From “Fort Awesome” by Blythe Hilson
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“We head for Fort Awesome at once,” said Corporal Dunham.
“Really?” laughed Blythe. “Fort Awesome? Who came up with that name, a teenage boy with a head full of adventure stories?”
“Fort Awesome is named after Lieutenant Jeremy Awesome, who was killed by Comanches in the Battle of Skewered Pines,” said Dunham with a sour expression. “He left behind a wife and three children. Do you still think it’s funny?”
Blythe snickered. “Yes. I’m sorry. He must have been teased mericlessly about his name.”
“Jeremy Awesome was one of the finest men I ever knew, and he was serious to a fault,” Dunham snapped. “It’s a name from the French, you know, the village of Aix-en-Somme. The meaning in English is just a coincidence!”
Blythe just laughed harder.
December 19, 2016
From “Shadowbluff Apartments” by “Sub” Waldhoff
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Shadowbluff Apartments is a modern housing complex designed specifically for today’s monster-on-the-go. Fully adhering to the International Masquerade and SUN Resolution 66/983, Shadowbluff Apartments offers amenities and peace of mind unavailable in other local areas:
– By special arrangement with the Tecumseh County Blood Bank, nightly deliveries of plasma with weekly packets of serum and hematocrit to mix for our vampire, ghoul, lich, and nosferatu tenants. Bat pet doors are also avalable as an option for a small monthly fee.
– Reinforced and auto-locking safe rooms for lycanthropic and therianthropic tenants. For a modest security deposit, auto-locking through HowlSafe™ and cleanup by Braxton & Brewer Crime Scene Cleanup are available.
– Refrigerated suites for the living-impaired. Interested tenants can arrange for deliveries of offal and brains through Braxton & Brewer for a modest fee.
– Rental to possessed mortals offered on a monthly, yearly, decade, or century basis. Summoning circles and seals are available for succubi and other pro-infernal renters who wish to move about in their native daemonic forms.
Sign up today!
December 15, 2016
From “Benedict Arnold’s Grocery” by Belinda Dorcent
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BENEDICT ARNOLD’S
Benedict Arnold’s Grocery invites you to BETRAY HIGH PRICES and SURRENDER WEST POINT TO ETHICALLY SOURCED, GMO- AND GLUTEN FREE PRODUCE!
As the premier source of food for ethics-conscious customers, Benedict Arnold’s prides itself on having more varieties of fresh, dirt-caked veggies and artisan, spoiled cheeses than anyone else! It is also the only chain grocery in America with an entire aisle devoted to kale, and the meat (albeit free-range and GMO-free) is segregated to a red-painted corner called “The Murderhouse.”
When it comes to banning certain ingredients, Benedict Arnold’s leads the nation, and its major competitors such as Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. Corn syrup of any kind is not allowed, even for cooking purposes. Processed sugars result in security guards being called. Trans-fats are allowed, but only if they originally identified as vegetable oils.
All employees of Benedict Arnold’s dress in period-accurate British infantry uniforms and are fully-vested shareholders in the company, each earning 1¢ per hour toward a retirement fund in the company’s name. A 25% surcharge to customers and employees helps Benedict Arnold’s support charities worldwide, from the Freedom for Peruvian Cavies Freedom Fighters to the People’s Front of Zaire to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
December 14, 2016
From “McCarthy’s Noble Eagle” by Belinda Dorcent
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McCarthy’s Noble Eagle
Make a LIST of all the foods it’s your God-given right as an American to eat and then buy them with us! DENOUNCE anyone who would tell you otherwise!
McCarthy’s Noble Eagle is a proud American grocery for Americans, by Americans. There is no gluten-free foppery, no fair-trade pinko propaganda, no rainforest sensitive treehuggery. The Noble Eagle offers hearty delicious foods at prices that leave plenty in your wallet to donate to the NRA.
Speaking of the NRA, McCarthy’s Noble Eagle is the only non-firearms-related retail establishment to earn that organization’s coveted Depleted Uranium rating for its Cheese and Shells program. Cheese and Shells kiosks in Noble Eagle locations nationwide allow patriots to redeem Eagle Claws earned through customer loyalty for arms and ammunition with no waiting period and no ID required.
Most of all, McCarthy’s Noble Eagle is committed to low prices for red meat, cheese, and beer. Our food is sourced from around the globe and imported at incredible prices, be it Chinese beef, Tajikistan cheese, or Saudi Arabian beer. We know that global warming is a hoax, and therefore endeavor to get you the best bang for your buck regardless of how many acres of useless rainforest must be consumed.
Don’t forget to pick up some distinctive apparel from our store brand, Cross and Flag, while you’re at it. Make sure to join us for Nullification Mondays the second week of every month, where in-store events are held to flout unfair laws, court rulings, and constitutional amendments.
December 13, 2016
From “The Leftwise Blinker” by Birtwell Siefken
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December 8, 2016
From “Clusterduck” by Levi Paris Schroeder
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Clusterduck
Anas myriadanas
The clusterduck is a waterfowl that is capable of making local, temporary, quantum clones of itself. These quantum ducks are indistinguishable from ordinary ducks, but they randomly come into existence and snuff out of existence.
It appears that the number of quantum ducks is tied to the mental state of the clusterduck. There are more when it is stressed or disturbed, and fewer when it is content. Breeding clusterducks tend not to generate quantum clones, as ducklings imprinting on them are easily confused.
Clusterducks tend to form pair bonds for life, and the drake will generate more quantum clones when his hen is raising ducklings. It is still extremely unclear how food ingested by the quantum clones winds up in the stomach of the clusterduck prime, but extensive lab testing has proven this to be so.
December 1, 2016
From “Roget’s School of Wordcraft and Spelling” by Joline Rangnow
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Dear Sir or Madam,
We are pleased to inform you that your skills and pedantry in spelling, grammar, usage, and diction have led to your selection as a student in Roget’s School of Wordcraft and Spelling. You will find a list of neccessary books and equipment below.
Period begins on September 1st. Please indicate your acceptance no later than July 31, in writing.
Yours sincerely,
J. Interrobang Guillemet IV
Order of Mirriam-Webster, First Class
Grand Scriblerian
Solidus, Oxford Association of Punctuation
Head, American Vowel Association
REQUIRED EQUIPMENT
One (1) set, period attire.
Five (5) boxes, 12ga. No. 2 commas.
One (1) box, Obelus’s Signature Punctuation Mix.
One (1) box, Fleuron Brand General Typography Symbols.
McGuffey’s Eclectic Primer (1st ed.) by William Holmes McGuffey.
American Dictionary of the English Language (1828 ed.) by Noah Webster.
Roget’s Thesaurus (1st ed.) by Peter Mark Roget.
The Elements of Style (Harcourt ed., 1920) by William Strunk, Jr.
The Oxford English Dictionary (1928 ed.) edited by James Murray, Henry Bradley, et al.
November 21, 2016
From “The Evolving Challenges of Students” by the Hopewell Democrat-Tribune
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On campus, the Democrat-Tribune spoke to Southern Michigan University students about the evolving challenges that they are facing.
“It’s really rough,” said Maxwell Evins, a sophomore physical therapy major. “I’ve been trying to evolve webbed fingers to increase my swimming time, but I’m just not getting where I need to be, even with protein shakes.”
“Yeah, we’re facing a lot of evolving challenges,” agreed Shanika Washington, a junior majoring in nursing. “I’v ebeen evolving a tail that I can use for better balance with a break-off tip for eluding predators. But it’s just not going well! Look, it’s barely a nub, and I’m not even sure which muscle to flex to make it wiggle!”
“I think the challenges are overblown,” said Brayden Cullinsworth, 5th-year super-senior. “I evolved fleshy wings for streaking through the night sky months ago without any problems, and I’m in the midst of evolving razor-sharp fangs to feed on the blood of the weak.” Asked how he managed to evolve so quickly, Cullinsworth credited the use of his parents’ Gene-Splicer-O-Matic and suggested that other students should make use of their own families’ interest payments to purchase one.
November 19, 2016
From “Gore Bells” by Les Bolger
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“Who are the Gore Bells?”
“What?”
“Your license plate. It says G0R3 B3LS.”
“It’s not Gore Bells! It’s ‘Go Rebels!’ You know, the sports team?”
“Oh. Well it looks like Gore Bells.”
“Hey, you like the Gore Bells too?”
“What?”
“The Gore Bells, man! They are the best postmodern viking death metal band to come out of Trondheim in at least ten years! What’s your favorite song? Mine’s ‘Verden Er Laget Av Kjøtt’ from their album Pikk Slikke!”
“It’s not Gore Bells! It’s ‘Go Rebels!’ You know, the sports team?”
“No, I don’t know them. What’s their music like?”
“I SEE YOU TOO SEEK THE SEVEN GORE BELLS.”
“What?”
“DO NOT DENY IT. YOU KNOW, AS DO ALL THE MEMBERS OF THE SEVENTH CIRCLE, THAT TO RING THE GORE BELLS WILL BRING ABOUT THE RENEWAL OF THE WORLD IN A TSUNAMI OF BLOOD.”
“It’s not Gore Bells! It’s ‘Go Rebels!’ You know, the sports team?”
“OH. NO, I’M AN ALABAMA FAN MYSELF. ROLL TIDE!”
“Hey, Go Rebels!”
“Finally! Someone who gets it.”
“Oh, I get it all right! Viva la Revolucion! Our cell meets under the overpass every second Tuesday. We are stockpiling weapons and training for the time when we strike. Take our Blood Sigil and wear it secretly, friend. Then watch for the sign to wear it openly.”
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 