GesteCo to Release NATRON™, A Revolutionary New Beauty Product

GesteCo Labs, [redacted] – May 23, [redacted] – GesteCo Pharmaceuticals, a wholly-owned subsidiary division of GesteCo, is pleased to announce that public trials for its new beauty product NATRON™ have officially begun.

NATRON™ is a breakthrough in modern cosmetology, combining cutting-edge research with age-old techniques to leave skin beautifully tanned and totally resistant to all forms of weathering and aging.

How does it work? By tapping into the ancient and underdeveloped process of mummification, NATRON™ works to preserve the youthful, glowing skin that you now have, and acts as a natural tanning agent as well. Why trouble with expensive Botox, which is a toxin harvested from deadly bacteria, when NATRON™ is an all-natural* substitute?

NATRON™ provides the same firming effect as Botox, but lasts for centuries in even the harshest desert environments. Side effects are minor** and pose no known long-term risks†. Interested applicants can contact GesteCo directly for public testing information, either through our toll free number 1-555-789-36λ9 or by visiting our website at http://www.gesteco.ntz

Conchita Perez
Ph: +55-555-1337

* – Natural ingredients before processing with GesteCo’s patented chemical and genetic accelerants. Meets natural purity standards in Liberia, Sierra Leone, Angola, Burma, and the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
** – Side effects in previous studies include but are not limited to: dessication, entombment, death by fire, the Curse of the Sands, compulsive soul-feasting, scarab infestations, loss of appetite, and walking like an Egyptian. Meets the definition of “minor” according to the Great Soviet Encyclopedia, 1972 edition.
† – “Long-term” in this case refers to the length of the previous clinical trial, which was two weeks. This meets the international standard definition of “long term” as proposed by the Federal Republic of Yugoslavia at the Non-Aligned Nations conference in Geneva, 1957.

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Every day, hundreds of letters from would-be authors arrived at AB&A, looking for one of the agents to represent what the writers were no doubt convinced would be The Next Great American Novel. Junior assistant editors got to wade through the muck, looking over query after query and routing the ones that seemed decent upstairs for a second look.

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“Kyra Heartache and Nostra Rameses. Friends and lovers torn apart by the ancient feud between vampyr and mummies.”