December 31, 2015

From “2015 in Review: Robots, Replacement, and Romance” by the Hopewell Democrat-Tribune

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It’s been quite a 2015! The Hopewell Democrat-Tribune is pleased to reflect upon some of the highlights, as reported in these pages over the past 365 days:

Chicago Cubs Win The World Series Over Miami Marlins
Hopewell residents were stunned at the news, as local hometown hero LeDemetri Washington was playing as Miami’s second baseman. Following his career with Southern Michigan University and the minor-league Grand Rapids White Caps, many had expected a World Series win to cement Washington’s bid for the 2015 MVP. Sadly, the Cubs’ sweep of the series meant that honor was reserved for Chicago pitcher Brett Newmom. Speaking on condition of anonymity, bookmakers at the Gliding Eagle Casino report that the few local bets made for the Cubs to win reaped significant dividends.

Billionaire Michael Drucker’s Death Leads to Bankruptcy of Replacement Technologies
The technology world was shaken by the death in May of billionaire Michael Drucker, the former manager of Apple’s Biologics division and close associate of the late Steve Jobs. The company was hit hard by the reveltation, confirmed by forensic analysis, that Drucker had been illegally cloning human beings in flagrant violation of the Biological Ethics Act 856 USC 2005 § 2 (commonly known as the “Sixth Day Law”). The resulting bankruptcy and dismemberment of Replacement Technologies and its holdings led to significant hardship in and around Hopewell as the Aspen Mall RePet was forced to close. Led by the local ASPCA chapter, all incomplete cloned pets that were outstanding at the time of the bankruptcy were given to forever homes.

Hopewell Mecha Crew Instrumental in NERV Defeat of Nineteenth Angel
Readers are quite familiar with the continued assaults on the population of the Earth by beings known as Angels resulting from the crippling Second Impact in 2005. Hopewell citizens were delighted to learn that Hopewell High School student Mitchell Baker (HHS Class of ’99) was instrumental in the annihilation of “Metatron,” the Nineteenth Angel, over Tunguska in Russian Siberia. Baker, remembered by peers as a mechanical prodigy, piloted one of the flotilla of support vehicles neccessary for fielding the massive Evangelion-class armored mechas needed to defeat Angels. An official NERV press release credits Baker’s swift refueling of EV-014 with helping to turn the tide against the massive alien organism, and he was posthumously awarded the key to the city.

Queen Diana’s First Visit to the USA An Odyssey for Hopewell Native
Starting on September 22, 2015, the Democrat-Tribune was given unprecedented access to Mary Winemann, the personal chauffer assigned to Queen Diana during her first visit to the USA since her acession in 2012. Winemann met the Queen in D.C. at Joint Base Andrews at 4 p.m., driving her and her consort Prince Al-Fayed to an official White House Welcoming Ceremony and personal meeting with President Barack Obama followed by a parade along the Ellipse and the National Mall and a speech to a Joint Session of Congress. Ms. Winemann, a gradute of Southern Michigan University and University Montessori, so impressed the Queen that she was retained as driver for the remainder of the official visit, from the United Nations General Assembly and motorcade through Central Park in New York to the Independence Mall in Philiadelphia. “She’s a lovely person,” said Ms. Winemann. “All the rumors about her husband’s death and her ascension to queen regnant from queen consort are totally baseless slander.”

Horror in Chicago Five Years After the Battle of Chicago Turned Back Alien Invasion
As anyone visiting the memorial in Veterans Park is aware, five servicemen from Hopewell were killed in the 2010 Battle of Chicago, in which an alien invasion of extraterrestrial robots was decisively turned back at great human cost. When alien robot violence re-erupted in Chicago this year, the Democrat-Tribune interviewed Hopewell native Moammar al-Fatima (HHS Class of ’02) about the experience. “It was insane,” Mr. al-Fatima said in an exclusive interview. “You see the photographs and read the news stories, but until you see a semi truck transform into a robot that skates through a crowded street firing a plasma cannon, you don’t completely grasp it. Every time it missed a shot, somebody was reduced to cinders.” Find Mr. al-Fatima’s photographs of the encounter and his Michigan Broadcasting Association Award-winning snapshot of an alien robot riding an alien robot dinosaur in our online archive.

Norsefire Party Sweeps UK Parliamentary Elections; Adam Sutler Installed as Prime Minister
As a result of economic chaos and an increased terrorist threat, the new Norsefire Party was able to sweep aside Labor, the Conservatives, and the Liberal Democrats to earn a dominant majority of seats. The party, which had polled under 1% in the parliamantery election of 2010, was asked to form a government by Queen Diana the following day with its leader, former Under-Secretary of Defense Adam Sutler, installed as Prime Minister. The Democrat-Tribune spoke with Hopewell students studying in the UK about what the new Norsefire government means for them and for the nation. “I don’t think anything will change, really,” said Sadie Cunningham, currently reading law at Oxford as part of the Scholars Abroad program. “Sure, Norsefire and Sutler said a lot of crazy things during the election, but they have to work within the system now, and with the opposition. They’ll get their rough edges filed off and probably lose the next election, just you wait and see.”

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December 23, 2015

From “A Statement By Oxford Biotech Pharma” by Anonymous

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Oxford Biotechnology Pharmaceuticals, a division of GesteCo Corporation, responded with a public statement today about local complaints with its controversial “Garden of Life” biodome on the 7th-17th floors of their new corporate headquarters in Cronus Beach, FL.

“Oxford Biotech Pharma is commited to innovation, and our commitment is the entire reason behind the Garden of Life facility,” said spokeswoman Miriam Nethersole. “While we can’t, for patent and trademark reasons, disclose exactly what kind of genetic chimeras are afoot in our facility, the public should know that they are peaceful and entirely neccessary for our continued development programs.”

After the statement, Ms. Nethersole took questions from the assembled news media. “No, we do not have any comment at this time about a half-panther, half-boa constrictor hybrid,” she said in response to a question about an incident last month where a Cronus Beach resident blamed such a creature for the disappearence of 17 cats. “And if we did, Oxford Biotech Pharma would assure you that any such creature would subsist on small ground rodents and birds, not cats which it would consider cannibalism.”

When faced with a question about the mysterious mauling death of Alfred Nudelmayer, Ms. Nethersole deferred. “Our operation has been certified organic and gluten-free by the administration, from whom we have recieved generous matching startup funds,” she said. “If the sort of carnivorous horror that would crave a retired deli owner from Queens were a byproduct of this consideration for the environment and the president’s faith in us–and that’s not an admission–we would, of course, be saddened. But wouldn’t it truly be the dream of every deli owner, be they retired or active-duty, be they from Queens or from the Bronx, to give life to scientific inquiry with their gruesome shredding death?”

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October 17, 2015

From “The Report of Consciousness #32283” by C. J. Applewhite IV

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WHEREAS we have found consciousness to be fluid and expansible

WHEREAS we have found the pursuit of knowledge through the use of various chemical aids (known to the laymen as lysergic acid diethylamide or LSD)

WHEREAS we have learned more in the space of a few short years under chemical guideance and chemically expanded consciousness than any of us have in the whole of our lives in academia

And WHEREAS we have been opposed by every turn by the Consciousness Limiters (hereafter referred to as the CLs) closedminded, the fearful, and the oppressive who seek to outlaw, constrain, and otherwise harass and suppress Truth in all its chemical forms

THEREFORE I submit to the Consciousness Society of America (hereafter referred to as the CSA) that we take our work underground

CONSIDER that a refuge or shelter, suitably constructed and outfitted with technology designed for nuclear fallout, could sustain our Carbon Shells (hereafter referred to as CSes) for a nearly indefinite period of time

CONSIDER that, with careful planning, we would be able to deal with considerations of hydration and waste

CONSIDER that, with a well-stocked library of books and consciousness-expenders, we would be able to advance our work by leaps and bounds

CONSIDER that, by doing so, we would free ourselves both from the strictures of the Imposed Reality (hereafter referred to as the IR), and the repression of the aforementioned Consciousness Limiters (hereafter referred to as CLs)

THEREFORE I submit to you that the Consciousness Society of America (hereafter referred to as the CSA) construct a network of Consciousness Shelters (hereafter referred to as CSes) beneath our current dwelling places

THEREFORE I submit to you that we stock the with the Consciousness Shelters (hereafter referred to as CSes) with the necessities for maintain our Carbon Shells (hereafter referred to as CSes) as well as the chemicals needed for expansion

THEREFORE I submit to you that we seal ourselves in these Consciousness Shelters (hereafter referred to as CSes) for a period of not less than 30 years of explorations of the boundaries of consciousness, thereafter to reemerge to share our revelations with the world

THEREFORE I submit to you that work has already begun on an example unit to be held up as a model and sealed at a predetermined time

SUBMITTED this day, October 17, 1985, to the monthly meeting of the Consciousness Society of America (hereafter referred to as the CSA)

-Dr. C. J. Applewhite IV, Southern Michigan University, AKA Ceejayaye, AKA Applecore, AKA Consciousness #32283

Inspired by this satirical post.

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February 19, 2015

From “Special Report: Legalizing Xenobryo” by Lila-Jenny Swanson II

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HOPEWELL, MI – With Proposition 426 nearing the necessary 666,666 signatures needed to put it on the ballot this fall, the Hopewell Democrat-Tribune spoke to several of the activists who have been presenting passersby with petitions on the Southern Michigan University quad.

“There is absolutely no reason for xenobryo to be illegal, much less for the punishments handed down to people for having it,” said one activist, who identified himself only as The Bro. “It’s the outdated result of a moral panic in the 1950s, just like Prohibition in the 20s. Xenobryo is a healthy and natural way to feel good, and the secret to reviving the world economy. It shouldn’t be a reason to sentence someone to hard time just for being caught with a headclasper or testing positive for implanted xenobryo.”

When asked how exactly xenobryo use would revive the world economy, The Bro clarified: “Well, you can tax it when it’s legal, but people shouldn’t do that, it’s not fair. And, um, the dead headclaspers and passed xenobryos have lots of uses.” Asked what these uses were, The Bro took a moment to think. “The atomic acid that’s their blood could be used for, I dunno, etching or something. And the carapace of protein polysaccharides and polarized silicon can be used to…uh…uh…”

The Bro claimed to have gathered nearly 1000 signatures from passersby on the quad; a few of the people he was soliciting spoke to the Democrat-Tribune about Prop 426 and the legalization of xenobryo.

“I’m against it,” said Susie Mulligan, a double-major in biochemistry and structural engineering. “Sure, they say that using a headclasper is safe, and that you’ll get a great high as long as you flush the xen0bryo from your chest before it erupts, but think of all the accidents caused by people driving with a headclasper, or what could happen if someone doesn’t flush the xenobryo and we have a torsosplitter growing to maturity in our midst?”

“I already signed the petition,” countered Ricky “Stonewall” Jackson. “I think people should be free to use headclaspers and xenobryo, since the risk of death isn’t any worse than cigarettes and booze. You can still throw people in jail if they drive into someone while birthing a torsosplitter, after all, and torsosplitters are vulnerable to fire for the first twenty minutes of their life outside a living host. It’s all overblown.”

When asked to comment, Southern Michigan University president Cynthia Mayfield’s office issued the following statement: “SMU remains committed to protecting the right to free speech and enforcing the law.” When asked about xenobryo use among students, and cases in which free speech and the law might clash, the office declined to issue a clarification.

In the meantime, opinion polls place statewide support for legalizing xenobryo at around 50%, though the complementary Proposition 223, which would fund a statewide initiative to eliminate any escaped headclaspers or torsosplitters before they mature into xenodrones and establish a colony, is trending at 99% opposed.

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February 7, 2015

From “The Secret Constitution of the Kleptocratic Republic” by Rebecca Pillock Pruitt

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I. PREAMBLE
To those reading this document, we bid you welcome. What you see here is the true constitution, basic law, and founding principles of the Kleptocratic Republic, which you may know as merely the Republic. Any constitution or laws that you may know are falsehood and facades before this, the true constitution.

Why the subterfuge? Simple. We of the Kleptocratic Republic take what we can freely and without apologies as individuals or syndicates. But not everyone is skilled in the art of taking, and a nation of kleptocrats raises to question of from whom they will steal. We have therefore erected edifices of law and order, justice and punishment, to punish those that are no good at kleptocracy and cow those who lack the boldness it requires. This ensures that only the most skilled arise, and ensures a steady supply of marks and pigeons. It also keeps foreign nations, from whom we regularly steal, in the dark.

Now that you have discovered this document, consider yourself initiated. Peruse the following articles at your leisure, be you cutpurse or syndicate member, and know that you are among friends. Know also that nothing stops friends from robbing friends, and that this document is a living document which may be altered to suit the needs of those who are aware and abiding by it. As for how to alter it…consider that the next test.

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July 10, 2014

From “The Over the Rainbow Society” by Warren Bovio

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The Great Kansas Tornado Swarm of 1864 went largely unnoticed in the popular press at the time, overshadowed by the war and General Price’s raid. But the twister, later estimated to have been an F4 or F5 on the Fujita scale, caused immense devastation in the mostly rural areas it passed through on May 25 and 26 of that year. For those that lived through it–and at least 75 and perhaps as many as 115 did not–the Great Tornado Swarm was particularly unusual in that (much like the Blackwell/Udall tornado swarm nearly 100 years later) there was a great deal of unusual electrical activity, including St. Elmo’s Fire and ball lightning.

Flynn Karam Baum, a failed bookkeeper of distant Syrian and Sephardi ancestry, lived through the tornado when it tore apart his ramshackle (and illegal) homestead. Apparently impressed with the electrical discharges he had seen, and astonished that he had survived while his livestock and neighbors had not, Baum began to believe that he had been witness to a divine experience. In the aftermath of the disaster, he set out to share his revelations with the world.

Disasters and especially cyclones, Baum taught, were in fact conduits to a higher plane of existence–an afterlife of sorts where metaphysical concepts, virtues, and fancies were made manifest. Someone who was sufficiently resourceful could, in this place, rise to power and gain eternal life and supernatural servants at their beck and call. The most skilled and resourceful could even return to earth, as Baum believed he had, to spread the word.

The former homesteader attracted a following of fellow oddballs and iconoclasts largely because his creed, which he claimed was wholly compatible with the prevailing Kansas religious orthodoxy of the day, was highly individualistic. Baum claimed that the land to which storms and death bore the deceased and the disappeared was populated by whatever adherents believed it was. The vibrant folk art his movement inspired depicted all manner of strange dwarves, monkeys, lions, and motile creatures of china or straw.

At its height, the Baumites (as they became known) had perhaps 3000-4000 members scattered across Kansas, Nebraska, and South Dakota. Because adherents underwent no conversion and continued to attend their original churches–choosing only to wear the rainbow badge that identified them as Baum’s followers–there were no systematic pogroms or persecutions, though individual Baumites reported harassment. But their numbers were never stable, due largely to their millenarian view that death or disappearance, preferable in a violent storm, were necessary to reach Baum’s promised land. So the influx of new recruits was almost always mitigated by the deaths of older Baumites, many of whom declined medical treatment or even committed suicide.

By the late 1880s, the Baumite communities had dwindled, especially following Flynn Karam Baum’s death in the Lincoln Twister of 1885. By 1888, only a few scattered Baumites remained, mostly in South Dakota and northern Nebraska. It’s not clear when the movement died out entirely, but there are no records of the Baumite rainbow badges being made after 1900 and by 1910 Baumite art and furniture was already mildly collectable for wealthy fans of Americana.

Perhaps the most profound effect the Baumites had, though, was on a young Chicagoan who had moved to South Dakota in 1888 to start a (doomed) mercantile business. With the same surname as Flynn Karam, and amused by the Baumites who frequented his shop to purchase items on credit (which they never paid back), the Chicagoan eventually wrote a satire of the Baumite beliefs-and their ever-present meditative hum of “ozz, ozz”–that attracted worldwide notice and which continues to overshadow and color perceptions of the movement even today.

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November 7, 2013

From “Penis! The Musical” by Jacklyn Linda May

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Reports that a group of basketball players disrupted an open dress rehearsal of a musical set to open next week has sent shock waves through the Southern Michigan University community. Allegedly, the perpetrators used catcalls, thrown objects, sarcasm, and pathos to disrupt the University Players’ production of Penis! The Musical. Penis!, which was written in 1995 and has won every award for which it has been nominated since, is based on the true story of a Milwaukee gynecologist and plastic surgeon who performed their own sex change operation in 1987. The Anthony Award telecast called it both “a bitingly satirical take on the male member” and a “plea for tolerance of pre- and post-op trans-everythings.”

This is not the first time the play has attracted controversy; a student newspaper reviewer at the University of Northern Mississippi called the play’s centerpiece number, “The Scrotum Song,” “over the top and disgusting” in a 1998 op-ed. In turn, they were accused of “holocaust speech,” “insensitivity on a Novocain level,” and being a “‘lil Hitler.” Every issue of the offending newspaper was then stolen and destroyed by campus activists as a “response to the columnist’s attempt to silence free speech through intimidation.”

The SMU Guardian published a story on the disruption which soon became national news, with the students’ reporting and sound bites picked up and recirculated without any original reporting on the part of the other news outlets. In an attempt to head off a reaction, the SMU athletic department forced a representative of the players to issue an apology and attempted to suppress the Guardian article, calling it “biased and one-sided.” The apology, delivered by the assistant captain of the lacrosse team, was rejected by the SMU Theater Department, which noted that the wording of the apology, (“we are sorry that some students’ actions were interpreted as causing offense”) was “insulting.”

Eventually, the ensuing outcry, led by sarcastic Twitter statuses and angsty Facebook vagueboking, led to a more official, organized response. “We deplore these actions,” said university president Cynthia Mayfield in a statement. “We fully intend to spare no effort to release apologetic and self-flagellating rhetoric until this whole thing blows over. In addition, I have formed a committee of administrators who have no real function due to administrative bloat, and asked them to come up with a delayed and fully rhetorical response to the incident in six to eight months which will only serve to make things worse.”

Since the riots that led to the closure of the Southern Michigan University several times in its history, most recently in 2007, it has been under increased scrutiny by the news media, says Dexter Hauser, one of the many unnecessary VPs pulling six-figure salaries despite the core instruction at SMU being done by graduate students who are indentured laborers in all but name. “This is the kind of magnifying lens that is normally put only on southern schools that resisted desegregation or places like Kent State where there was some other traumatic event,” said Hauser. “Just like the mainstream media pounces on any incident at a southern school to portray them as a bunch of vicious unrelenting bigots, or calls any stubbed toe at Kent State a ‘massacre,’ any disturbance of any kind here at SMU is termed a ‘riot’ or a ‘new Days of Rage’ regardless of the actual facts of the case.”

The SMU Fighting Grizzlies, for their part, have promised a thorough investigation. “The Fighting Grizzlies believe strongly that athletes need to learn how to repress their natural instincts and learn not to say anything that represents their true feelings,” said head coach Austin Winters. “If these boys expect to go pro, they need to master the art of giving vapid, content-free interviews and press conferences about hustle and giving 110%. Sometimes, in the rush to recruit athletes who have been granted untouchable status and special privileges since middle school because of their top position on the totem pole, we forget that not getting caught in an embarrassing position is almost as important as catching the ball in the right position.”

Cynthia L’Overture, Grand Czar of University Diversity and Guilt, had this to say: “We certainly need to contain this issue as soon as possible with as much boilerplate diversity talk as possible, to plaster over the deep fissures it exposes in our carefully maintained facade–fissures which exist in every school but which the subsequent rhetoric from students, faculty, staff, and outsiders will paint as unique to SMU.” Every special interest group that can associate itself with the wronged party in any way whatsoever, she added, will attempt to twist the incident to their advantage.

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June 2, 2013

From “That Feathery Fracas” by G. J. Meyers

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Meyers, Greg Jamison. “Defilement of Civil Rights Statue at University of Northern Mississippi Shows Racists Up to Their Old Tricks Again.” Hopewell Democrat-Tribune 2 Jun. 2013, University ed.: A1+.

The defilement of a civil rights statue on the University of Northern Mississippi campus has drawn outrage, condemnation, and concern from a wide variety of campus figures. The statue, depicting the first African-American student admitted to the university in 1966, was found vandalized by university janitorial staff in the course of their morning duties, with the face completely covered by bird excrement.

The University of Northern Mississippi became infamous during the desegregation battles of the 1960s as the very last state-funded school to admit an African-American student following the integration of major schools like the University of Mississippi (October 1962), Mississippi State University (July 1965), and what became the University of Southern Mississippi (September 1965). While the integration of the university in mid-1966 was neither the bloodbath of UM or the non-event of MSU, there was still extensive rioting and protest marches, national attention, and strong local opposition.

“The bird that vandalized this statue does not represent the values of the faculty, staff, and students of UNM as a whole,” said university president Brody in a statement. “We strongly condemn the actions of a lone individual bird in setting back issues of tolerance and diversity here.”

For many observers, though, the incident represents the latest in a troubling pattern. “Clearly, there are repressed issues deep in the university’s psyche at work here,” said Dr. Janice Soderquist-Mmbathu, vice-chair of Diversity Studies at Southern Michigan University. “UNM may have 45% non-white enrollment and generous scholarships for minority students, but ugly feelings such as those espoused by this bird in defiling the statue clearly show that there is a very, very, very long way to go.”

In response to the anonymous bird’s attack on the statue, which many have described as a hate crime, President Brody has announced the formation of a task force to investigate the incident. “Some have said that the action in question were not intended as racist,” his statement continued, “but in light of recent tweets expressing sentiments like ‘LOL’ and ‘ROTFLMAO’ about the event, we can only conclude that this must be treated with deadly, deadly seriousness.”

“It’s Mississippi, what do you expect?” said Andrew Cullingdonham, a Southern Michigan student interviewed by the Democrat-Tribune. “Everything they do is racist, no matter how much they try to hide it. The bird is only doing what everyone wants to do. I don’t care how many investigations they do or how quickly the statue is cleaned up.”

At press time, UNM had announced a full investigation, a Diversity Days festival, a visit by Winnie Mandela, a much larger statue protected by a laser grid, a moment of silence campuswide, a candlelight vigil, and a statewide bird education initiative in addition to the committee mentioned by President Brody. Critics were quick to call these moves “insubstantial,” “window dressing,” and “proof that the administration of UNM has more in common with the offending bird than it would like to be generally known.”

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February 25, 2013

From “Fair Trade Coffee for the People of Syria” by Jerry Sovak

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Partial transcript from the February 24, 2013 interview of Petra Burgess by Jerry Sovak of WKΔD Radio.

JERRY SOVAK: I’m here with Petra Burgess, who has recently been at the center of come controversy over her “Fair Trade Coffee for the People of Syria” sketch on LNTV.

PETRA BURGESS: “Some controversy?” Don’t soft-pedal it, Jerry. My Twitter feed turned into a river of fire not seen since the days of Vesuvius.

SOVAK: You’ve been accused of being insensitive to the plight of the Syrian people, and sexism and racism for the parody of Halle Berry suggesting that the Syrian rebels ought to be more concerned with the provenance of their coffee than anything else. Stubb’s Coffee didn’t like seeing their logo on the fair trade coffee that was being “airlifted” to the people in the sketch, either.

BURGESS: I was worried they wouldn’t notice, actually. I’m also very upset that I haven’t heard from anyone about making the Predator drone pilot an effeminate Marine or from the dig at the Sarah McLachlan commercials about the icky puppies, only this time with the puppies replaced with coffee beans.

SOVAK: So you’re…you’re upset that more people weren’t offended? Unpack that a little for us, Petra.

BURGESS: You see people talking a lot about being gadflies and equal opportunity offenders. What that usually means is that they’re gadflies to people they don’t like and their idea of equal opportunity offensiveness means offending both moderate and conservative Republicans. The problem is that there are so many unspoken sacred cows in entertainment in general and Hollywood in particular that no one dares to touch. It might as well be blacklisted, against the Hays code.

SOVAK: So you were trying, with your sketch, to offend everybody at once?

BURGESS: Well I tried to be as offensive as possible to as many people as possible, sure. But I also focused on those sacred cows, people and causes that never get critiqued or tweaked or smeared with satire because they’re too near and dear to the hearts of Hollywood.

SOVAK: Is that an expression of your own political views, then?

BURGESS: In as much as I have any, yes. Don’t go mistaking me for a Republican; their starched collars need to be tweaked, and often, and badly. But don’t go lumping me in with the Democrats, either–if anything they need a harsher beating because they have so many friends in my industry. My politics are simple: everything needs to be made fun of in the most uncompromising terms to keep them defensive. Keep ’em off-balance and people are less likely to let them get away with murder.

SOVAK: Could you…distill that a little bit for us? It sounds like you’re giving advice to other would-be satirists out there. Break that down to a one-liner for us, if you would.

BURGESS: Satire: if there’s a group out there who isn’t burning you in effigy, you’re doing it wrong.

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September 10, 2010

From “Satire on the Big House” by Anonymous

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I was privileged enough to receive a tour of the new suites by the University of Michigan’s Vice President of School Spirit, Charles Mellner. When the group meets Mellner, I ask him about the controversy over graduation—the fact that work on the new luxury skyboxes prevented it from being held in the Big House, its traditional venue.

Mellner, a big man with a big laugh, answers with a wide grin. “It was regrettable, but after all there’s a graduation every year. Each and every game is unique, and we’d do our fans a grave disservice if games were delayed.” One can understand why. Season tickets for the boxes start at the price of a fully-loaded luxury sedan.

The entryway is laid with Italian marble, with a grand staircase leading upwards. Mellner begins the tour asking if we recognize it; no one does. I mention that it looks like the staircase on the Titanic; at this, he claps delightedly. “It is! Either an exact replica or the original, raised from the ocean floor and refurbished at incredible expense.” Coyly, Mellner refuses to confirm which.

We’re then led into a standard box, with Second Empire carpeting, inlaid hardwood floors, and leather chairs. Each is equipped with a minibar—domestic and imported liquors are on tap—and a snack bar run by a major franchise—in this case, a Pizza Hut Express. “The boxes provide everything a Wolverine fan could want,” Mellner beams. “Access to the game from a superior viewpoint, and the staff is ready and able to provide a massage or salon treatment on demand.”

Mellner leads us to the front of the box, to a red switch under a lucite cover. “This signals to the field that the occupants want the last play repeated. It’s perfect for when a patron has to go to the bathroom; a comfort that the TiVo generation demands.”

This is trifling compared to the executive suite, which occupies a full floor. Designed to the standards of the Saudi royal family, the suite is pure six-star extravagance. Up the marble staircase and across the onyx flagstones set in a pool of vintage champagne, I ask Mellner about handicap accessibility. How can he justify the suite’s lavish layout when the university’s being sued by Wolverines in Wheelchairs?

“It’s actually not a problem,” Mellner says with an easy laugh. “There are only 16 people on Earth who can afford season tickets to the executive suite, and none are disabled.” I nod. “We think that’ll hold up in court,” he adds, grinning. After all, the people with tickets include the Chief Justice of the Sixth Circuit Court of Appeals and 3 members of the House Judiciary Committee.

“Will students be allowed to use the boxes?” I ask.

“We recognize that students have an important role,” Mellner replies. “Namely, they serve to fill out the stands, which helps preserve the sense that one’s in the Big House. Naturally, we can’t allow students in the boxes; might cause our paying customers discomfort.”

Mellner directs me to a series of fire hoses in the stairwell, which are actually for crowd control, to prevent unruly students from storming the boxes, alongside the 50-man uniformed security contingent. In an emergency, all of the service personnel are armed and fully deputized by the city of Ann Arbor.

“That’s for undergraduates, of course,” Mellner smiles. “Most of our graduate students attended other schools before, so they might be spies for another Big Ten team. As such, they’ll be shot on sight—we have a first-class sniper post at the very top!” I beg and cajole, but we aren’t allowed to see it—it’s not done yet. The live fire trials, involving 120 rhesus monkeys over a 6-week period, don’t begin until next month.

“How much did this all cost?” I ask. Mellner regrets that he can’t tell me; the official figure is classified. Tthere’s a bit of mischievous maize and blue in him, though, and he gives me a candid estimate. The budget was drawn from the general fund, meaning that students’ tuition dollars were immediately transformed into building costs. Mellner estimates that around “30,000 to 40,000 students” gave their entire 4-year tuition to fund the construction—an impressive figure, as the university has only about 41,000 students enrolled at any one time.

And how much of the cost of a luxury skybox ticket goes back to academics? “That’s a different fund,” explains Mellner. “The money we make here is rolled back into the program—new uniforms, multimillion dollar coaching salaries, solid gold cleats for All-American players. Standard expenses.”

 

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