“Newslak, the official outlet of the government, announced the election statistics this morning,” Calvin read. He resisted the urge to use “mouthpiece” instead of “outlet.” Keep it professional.

“President Tsocorw Easelk, in office since 1961, was reelected with 101% of the vote.” The dictator’s name was a tongue-twister, but the hours of practice last night hadn’t been for nothing. In Calvin’s opinion, reading a ludicrous figure like that with a straight face should qualify him for the Nobel Prize.

He continued, keeping in mind that nobody on the radio could see his expression and that it was okay to smile so long as it didn’t develop into a guffaw. “Officials report that the inflated figure is due to ballots cast from overseas and patriotic citizens insisting on voting more than once for their beloved leader.”