“So this guy finally sweeps by me on the highway–you know, the really angry way you pass people by slamming the gas and cutting in front of them by a comfortable margin of about six nanometers–and I saw that he had a custom license plate. This raging asshole, who’d been chewing at my asshole for the last twenty miles of blacktop, was apparently “2HOT4U.” Mickey paused for effect. “Have you ever known someone who had a custom license plate who wasn’t a raging asshole? They’re right up there with tramp stamps and missing teeth.”

The audience roared with laughter and clapped. Ellie Connaught (ALOHA2U) found that her mirth had evaporated somewhat.

“The best part is that they never have enough letters to spell out what they desperately want to be plastered on their car’s ass,” Mickey continued. “I see these people pass me and they’ve got some cute little word or phrase that’s missing all its vowels, and I gotta wonder: are they a genuine asshole, did they get lucky at the DMV, or maybe Prisoner #374298 has a sense of humor to go with his third-grade education?”

Peter Stromburg (ELVSKNG) shifted uneasily in his seat, the sequins on his Graceland T-shirt sparkling in the reflected stage light.

“Even when they can spell, it’s usually something passive-aggressive like BACK OFF,” Mickey said, gesticulating wildly. “How effective is that, really? When I’m tailgating the shit out of someone for doing, I dunno, 37 in a 70, am I supposed to see that plate and go ‘oh shit, I better back off cuz this grandpa who can barely see over the wheel said so? In the medium of license plate?”

Allie Vandenburg (NONONO) bit her lip, stonefaced.

“And God help you if you’re an asshole from one of those states that makes you jam spaces in your license plate. You try and be all clever and then find out that due to state statute #877b, your SEXWMAN becomes SEX W MAN.”

Near the back, Albert Kesselbrecht (KNG O FROAD) leaned over and whispered at his wife Agnes (CUT A SABUG) “He’s not really as funny in person, you know?”

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