Old Sam used to be a grammar teacher. Now he’s just an old pilcrow-popper that no rehab clinic will touch, a jittering mess of nerves looking for his next fix of ¶, ¶, ¶.

And let’s not forget about Betty, the long-haul semicolon-trucker. Time was, her ; brought order and clarity to complicated sentences with more clauses than the North Pole. Now; they speckle her; every page; like; worm; damage.

&, &, &. That’s the sound of the ampersand-storm rolling in at the behest of Chris, who became infatuated with the symbol doing old-timey graphic design. Now it’s become a mission to singlehandedly reverse its decline.

Lastly, who could forget poor A.J., who through exposure to East Asian popular culture has started ~bracketing~ ~words~ ~with~ ~tildes~ and even using them to end sentences~ A real tilde-luxe, that~

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