“We specialize in buying notable but troubled brands,” said Gemini Marketing Consultants LLC CEO Apollo Abrams. “Pixee snack cakes have been renowned in popular culture as the food most likely to survive the apocalypse. And while it’s true that Pixees have an expiration date on the wrapper, that’s a matter of statute rather than necessity.”

Since the removal of milk from the recipe in 1977, Abrams adds, Pixees have been shelf-stable for as long as the old Purser Bakeries was able to run tests. And with the move of the restructured company to Arizona, which has a much looser snack cake regulatory tradition than Purser’s 110-year home of Pennsylvania, that “matter of statute” has been eliminated. “No expiration date on the new Pixee wrappers anymore,” Abrams laughs.

Abrams and his Gemini Marketing Consultants LLC staff are speaking to us in the former Strategic Helium Reserve complex in Toadwater, AZ. Formerly a US Army depot for stockpiling helium to keep American zeppelins in the air in case of a supply interruption, the SHR is now the new home of Purser Bakeries and Pixee snack cake production. It is a massive underground complex hollowed out of the living rock of the MontaƱas del Muerte hills.

“The government sold this place to us for $1 thanks to the sequester,” says Abrams. “They just didn’t have the cash to follow through on their plans to turn it into an underground fallout shelter for Congress. Natrually, that suits us just fine!”

All Pixee cake production will be conducted underground, in caves rated to withstand a 100 megaton blast. Abrams is developing the long-lasting and blast-resistant snacks as the centerpiece of a combined recreational area and paid disaster shelter. “For only $3000 per square yard of space, people can reserve shelter space alongside the only food item certified to survive it: Pixees! When the Big One drops, the production line and the raw materials to sustain it will be able to support up to 100,000 people for five years. And, as part of their plea deal for getting their jobs back after union action killed the old Purser Bakeries, employees get a 25% discount!” And, in the meantime, factory tours and disaster preparedness courses will keep the curious coming in the door.

Abrams’ company plans to open “The Pixee Survival Shelter and Resort” as soon as they can find a set of 100-megaton-rated blast doors. Gemini Marketing Consultants LLC, a subsidiary of major local employer GesteCo, has announced that the production line should be operational–and Pixee cakes back on store shelves nationwide–by the end of summer.

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