11:47 pm: “Attention arriving Columbia Airlines Flight 1337 passengers: if you are the owner of a large suitcase full of powerful hallucinogens, please see the red bird with a handlebar mustache at gate A1 to reclaim your property.”

12:02 am: “Attention Columbia Airlines Flight 1066 passengers: there has been a gate change. Your flight is now departing from Gate π-x in Terminal β. I repeat, Columbia Airlines Flight 1066 is now departing from Gate π-x in Terminal β.”

12:36 am: “A reminder to all passengers from the Hopewell Tri-County Airport: The terminal is a tobacco-free building and no firearms are permitted. So don’t let us catch you with a smoking gun, or things will get really bad.”

1:45 am: “The Hopewell Tri-County Airport rental counters will be closing in 15 minutes. Anyone who has been living on borrowed time is hereby requested to return it or be charged for an extra day.”

“That’s Sean for you,” said one of the baggage handlers, shaking his head. “It’s a good thing the boss goes home at 5, or he’d have been fired years ago. What do you suppose he’s on tonight? The sauce? The dope?”

“What isn’t he on is more like it,” his co-worker sighed. “Makes the late shift a little more colorful, at least.”

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