January 2017


The SS Hooverian was a freighter six days out of Antares Prime, bound for Betelgeuse IV with a cargo of freshly-manufactured vacuum cleaners.

Then the master alarm went off, the first mate knew what had happened immediately. The Hooverian and its precious cargo of vacuums was being sucked into the maw of an uncharted black hole.

Turning to his captain, the mate said: “Sir, this is gonna suck.”

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“My god,” said Eddings.

Selwig came alongside. “Is it the Holy Grail?”

“No,” Eddings said. “Even better. It’s the Growly Hail.”

He threw a rapidly growing and rapidly growling ball of atmospheric ice at his erstwhile partner.

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Cursed Antique American Renaissance Carved Walnut Parlor Chair, Death Curse, Fully Tested

Listed in category:
Death Curses > Antiques > Cursed Furniture > Cursed Chairs > 1800-1899

Seller:
snugggmuffin365

Price:
$175.00 Buy It Now

Item location:
Florida, New York, United States

Item number:
222358700455

Item description:
you are bidding on a 100% tested and proven cursed death chair
my grandma owned it and died in it and ever since then anyone who has sat in it has had an accident after a little while
cousin billy hit a hog and died after he sat on one of the arms
tammy sue drove off a bridge in the dark and she only sat on it for like a sec
local pickup is okay at your own risk
shipping thru fedex c-class curse mail
you have to sign for it or the delivery guy gets the curse
serious bidders only plz

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Misty
Misty is a 3-month old terror dog, one of the heralds of the coming of Gozer the Traveler. She is very affectionate, rambunctious, and curious. Misty has not been fixed yet, so owners who wish to prevent the gate from being opened and the Destructor from arriving should look into spaying her. She also has a slight tendency to posess living hosts, so be sure to switch to a garlic shampoo.

Snuggles
Snuggles is a 5-year-old hellhound, a creature formed from the raw suffering of the damned and only summonable to this plane through a blood sacrifice and virgin ritual. Snuggles was previously adopted by an older witch who had to give him up after being cast into the infernal realms during a failed summoning circle. Snuggles is a special-needs dog, and must be fed a steady diet of tainted souls. He is very affactionate and loving.

Bon-Bon
Bon-Bon is a 10-year-old special-needs husky. While she is very rambunctious and affectionate, she was attacked as a pup by a rampaging werewolf. As such, she has opposable thumbs and an upright posture during every full moon, which she has been known to use to open doors, steal cars, and other mischief.

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“Freeze!”

The door flew open on the wings of a battering ram and armed women flooded the room. Beatrix simply stared at them, paused in mid-brushstroke.

“Hah!” said the apparent leader. She grabbed Beatrix’s hand, examining it under a loupe. “Just as I thought. Tangerine and chartreuse nail polish! They don’t match each other or anything you own!”

“So what?” Beatrix cried.

“So you’re under arrest!” the woman snapped. “Take her away and book her.”

“Wait, you can’t do this!” Beatrix shouted as she was bodily hoisted up and borne forth. “Who are you?”

The woman-in-charge looked over her shoulder and swept her sunglasses off in a stylish motion. “We’re the Nail Police,” she said. “And we’re polishing you off.”

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Over time, the clonal trees continued to spread, sharing the same roots but sending up many different trunks. In time, much entire forest was all part of a single organism.

Then the fire came.

Trees that were singletons, without deep and intertwined roots, were consumed, leaving the commingled boughs as the only survivors. And that summer, researchers noticed for the first time that animals in the forest had begun to act…strangely.

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Did you hear that they are moving the factory that makes unbreakable kitchenware to the island of Barbados?

It’s the Pyrex of the Caribbean.

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