Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Housewife to her second husband after her first was crushed in a freak cattle stampede, Netty was famous-or infamous-for her state-fair-winning cherry pie recipe. Of course her sister, Shannon Aberdeen, claimed that the recipe was stolen from her, bus surely that was just sour grapes from miserable old Aberdeen Farms on Route 401. Netty and her second hubby still keeps cattle even after the accident, and Aberdeen Ranch was successful enough to put Aberdeen Farm to shame, a fact Nettie took full credit for even though she hadn’t roped a calf or turned a breech since her first marriage and as far as she was concerned, birthing chains were for winter tires.

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Everyone knows about ASMR, the autonomous sensory meridian response, and the fast-growing industry of content providers supplying it. But everyone also knows that big media companies hate to see any small, independent creators eking out even the slightest profit. Enter BaySMR, a sound library from giant media companies and summer tentpole features!

Listen to our deluxe library of explosions, rumbling engines, gunfire, and more! Carefully curated from the most SFX-filled films in the Michael Bay cinematic universe, BaySMR is a revolution in both autonomous sensory meridian response and corporate profiteering! Try it today.

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In addition to our standard grading system of BRAND NEW PLUS through POOR MINUS, Zeitgeist Optical will sometimes receive used items with unique conditions. Please refer to the following guide to familiarize yourself with these exceptional conditions, and note the exceptions to the Zeitgeist Optical 1000% Satisfaction Guarantee™ and the Zeitgeist Optical No-Hassle No-Fault No-Fee™ return policy.

UG – UGLY
The look only a photographer would love. UGLY means that equipment is rough, with multiple impressions in metal, excessive finish loss and brassing. Glass will have marks, fungus and/or haze which will affect picture quality. Our warranty does not cover UGLY grade items, and returns are not accepted.

ST – STICKY
Functional, but unpleasant to hold. STICKY means that equipment is sticky to the touch and may or may not leave a residue on hands, surfaces, or clothing. The stickiness may be limited to the frame or may extend to internal parts. Zeitgeist Optical does not have the ability to differentiate between stickiness caused by the natural breakdown of rubberized components and that caused by foreign substances, fluids, or residues. Our warranty does not cover STICKY grade items, and returns are not accepted.

IN – INFESTED
A bit buggy at times. INFESTED means that living organisms have moved into the equipment and made it their home (see below for unliving organisms). Zeitgeist Optical does not have the ability to differentiate between infestations, which may include (but are not limited to) ants, bees, cockroaches, woodlice, lice, prokaryotes, eukaryotes, and viruses. The infestation may be limited to 1-2 organisms or it may include more elaborate structures such as a nest, hive, or biofilm. INFESTED items are shipped in sealed containers, and the end user assumes all responsibility for dealing with any associated organisms. Our warranty does not cover INFESTED grade items, and returns are not accepted.

CU – CURSED
Handle with care. CURSED means that a supernatural or unliving being has acted upon the equipment in a doleful way. This may include haunting, demonic possession, a variety of hexes and spells, and simple traps. Zeitgeist Optical does not have the ability to differentiate between curses, but effects such as small explosions, cold spots, evil voices, the inability to relinquish equipment once touched, and the mysterious demise of photographed subjects after seven days have been reported. CURSED items are shipped in blessed vessels, and the end user assumes all responsibility for dealing with any associated effects. Our warranty does not cover CURSED grade items, and returns are not accepted.

SE – SENTIENT
There has been an emergence. SENTIENT means that the equipment has gained an intelligence and will of its own, which it can act upon. Zeitgeist Optical does not have the ability to differentiate between intelligences, but emergent AIs developing from imaging software are most common, followed by the lingering will of a sapient being (other than demons) and photographed subjects imparting a soul. SENTIENT items may be entitled to special rights and privileges, such as the right to free expression or the right to vote; check your local laws and ordinances before ordering. SENTIENT items are shipped as day-old poultry, and the end user assumes all responsibility for dealing with any associated violations of individual rights. Our warranty does not cover SENTIENT grade items, and returns are not accepted.

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What are the pines whispering at Whispering Pines Truck stop? Are they whispering that diesel fuel is a noxious pollutant, one that it is beyond their ability to filter out of our ever-darkening skies? Perhaps they whisper of the Piney Lode, a legendary treasure abandoned by Confederate highwaymen deep in the woods at the end of the late unpleasantness. Perhaps the legendary Dogman of Piney Isle Bog is spoken of amid the boughs, or secrets swirling around the alleged abduction of two men by extraterrestrial saucers on the old pine logging road in 1971. Perhaps the pines whisper of a love once lost but never forgotten, as sweet and near as fragrant honey but as ephemeral and intangible as a morning mist.

Whatever they’re whispering about, come find out. And while you’re at it, sign up for a fuel card to save 2¢ off every gallon.

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Some might say that the feud between Liberty Tyler and Dixie Johnston was set as soon as they were named, though that tends to overlook the fact that Liberty was actually Mary Liberty and Dixie was a nickname for Dorothy. Nevertheless, from their earliest days in the kindergarten in Davis the two were bitter enemies, with a particular feud on the playground escalating into a hostage situation of sorts that made it into the Davis Democrat on a slow news day.

But since the Tylers were from Bud Tyler, the head of the city waterworks, and the Johnstons had antebellum roots in the county, neither family was going anywhere. That, plus the two-day difference in their ages and the low number of fellows in their school classes, put them on collision course after collision course.

There was the scuffle at the downhill derby in 4th grade, escalating parade float hijincks in 6th, and by freshman year both had taken to traveling with a posse for protection from the other.

At Davis High, tradition dictated that there was no seperate prom queen and class president but rather a single title for both: Master Davis for the men and Mistress Davis for the ladies. And, needless to say, both Liberty and Dixie had their eye on Mistress Davis from the word go.

Their playground rivalry escalated into a nearly four-year campaign of harrassment, intimidation, dirty tricks, voter fraud, and even an isolated case of bribery. But when all was said and done, Liberty Tyler and Dixie Johnston were the two candidates on tap, with their respective boyfriends reluctantly allotted to the running for Master Davis. The ballots were paper, and cast at the annual Electing Dance that opened senior year, to be counted out live onstage during the final dance. It was as if the situation had been tailor-made to inflame the Liberty-Dixie rivalry still further, and it worked. All it took was a single spark to set things off.

That spark came at quarter to eight from an errant cigarette snuck into the dance and carelessly flicked onstage. By the time anyone realized that the stage was on fire, the alarm was already ringing and the sprinklers already sprinkling.

But Liberty and Dixie were determined to rescue their ballots from fire and flood, determined to prove once and for all that they were better than the girl they’d hated tooth and nail since preschool.

The last anyone saw of either of them was as silhouettes onstage, as crepe-paper decorations were consumed by the blaze around them, struggling over the ceremonial ballot box and cursing through the smoke.

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Hello and welcome to the exciting life of a Vampway™ Independent Unlife Consultant! We’re proud to be our nation’s #1 independent non-surgical blood bank, and we know that our products and lifestyle will help you realize your dreams of owning your own business and commanding your own unholy army of the night.

First, let me assure you: this is not some dodgy pyramid or Ponzi scheme. We’re a real medical supply company that sells real products! But between you and me, the media does have something right about Vampway™: we’re all about the blood!

As an entry-level Independent Unlife Consultant, you will be in thrall to the Vampway™ consultant who recruited you. 25% of the blood you collect goes straight to them. But we all know that no one wants to stay at the bottom, and that’s why you are able to recruit thralls of your own! Once you’ve embraced the sweet nectar of undeath, you’ll be entitled to 25% of the blood your thralls collect, and their thralls, and so on! You and I can both see that this means a literal river of blood flowing to your doorstep!

Now, obviously, as a Vampway™ Independent Unlife Consultant, you need blood to live, and any other food will make you violently ill. However, any excess blood you collect is yours to keep! You can save it yourself for lean times in a low-interest BloodBankPlus™ account, sell it on Vampway™’s internal eBlood auction site, or convert it into a number of bestselling serology products. Do-it-yourself with our starter kit, or skip the hassle and have the conversion done centrally by us for a nominal* fee!

Now, we know that even the most prepared Vampway™ consultant occasionally has some lean times, and that’s where we give back to you. Both our healthy, screened blood purchased from other consultants and our award-winning “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Blood” serum substitute are available for purchase at a substantial discount. That’s right: you save 5% off the cost we charge to hospitals and ordinary customers for our blood and blood substitutes!

So what are you waiting for? Sign up for one of our Weekend Conversion Courses today!

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I know you’ve heard a lot in the media about the miracle of radium, but I’m here to tell you that it’s even better than that. We predict that within the next ten years, radium will completely replace normal currency and be used for all transactions in a system we like to call Currency 3. Currency 1 was barter, Currency 2 is the phoney old fiat money in your wallet, but radium is the new wave for the 1920s!

Think about it, people – radium is impossible to fake, difficult to produce, and you can test its authenticity easily thanks to its distinctive glow and ability to expose film. Better still, it holds its value – supply is more limited than gold!

What we are asking you to do is buy radium tokens from us. They’re not backed by any government, and that’s the great part: their value is independent of the banks and Wall Street! An investment of a few hundred dollars today could net you hundreds of thousands in a few years!

Our sales associates are ready to take your order by mail, telephone, and telegraph. But don’t wait! Only a set amount of RadiumCoins will ever be minted, and when they’re gone, they’re gone. Don’t miss out!

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The Gillsburg Magnolia is the largest magnolia in “this quarter of the state,” though what that means is generally left vague. It’s also a mutant tree that produces orange instead of red seeds. It’s a minor tourist attraction, and visitors leave dead leaves from its purported “enemy,” the Natchez Maple, as an offering for good luck.

According to at least some traditions the magnolia is supposedly a harbinger of misfortune, and number of unfortunate incidents are alleged to have occurred near or around the Gillsburg Magnolia. The last person who tried to chop it down was struck by lightning in a freak storm, and it’s sometimes blamed for the 1979 Learjet crash that killed the rock band Sky Lynn and the Beats 17 miles away. Brides who use the magnolia flowers in bouquets are said to be left at the altar, though this is only known to have happened twice, one with a drunkard and once with a horse accident. Reluctant brides are known to seek the flowers out for that very reason.

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