Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

Spyder Preest was a heavy metal (sometimes classified as hair metal) rock and roll band active from 1977 to 1997. Emerging from the merger of two bands, Spyder Driver and Dark Preest, the group wore melodramatic costumes with an arachnid theme and distinct Catholic design, following the kayfabe that they were priests of a spider-oriented religion singing heavy metal hymns. It broke up after the bassist and drummer converted to Catholicism and joined a Christian rock group, while the lead guitarist and vocalist attempted to incorporate as an actual spider-based religion to achieve tax-exempt status.

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It isn’t a cell tower; the shape is all wrong. No TV or radio signal broadcasts from it. The plot is owned by the city but rented by an unknown entity whose unsigned checks arrive like clockwork on the first of every month and cash promptly. But there is no description of the tower’s function in any official documentation other than a terse “antenna” in the notes of obscure city paperwork. Among locals, opinion is evenly divided: about half think the tower is incomplete and being held for eventual sale, and the other half is more in the “alien mind control conspiracy” camp.

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Ridgehill Apartments (a unit of Omni Landlords LLC GmbH) regretfully prohibits the following household pets on the premises due to prior incidents:

-rodents larger than 1lb (.5kg), including beavers, muskrats, capybaras, and Patagonian maras

-dogs with the word “bull,” “retriever,” “pinscher,” or “border” in their breed name, as well as any dog with a German-presenting name; mixed breeds will be evaluated by a local caninologist

-longhair or no-hair cats; cats must meet a strict middle-of-the-road hair policy to be permitted and shaved longhair cats are not permitted

-birds of prey including eagles, falcons, hawks, kites, condors, or vultures; owls are permitted only on a case by case basis but owners will be responsible for placing pellets in the designated container

-stinging, biting, clawing, or behavior-altering arthropods

-fish larger than 1lb (.5 kg) and/or fish that require a salt water, benthic, or handrail tank

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I don’t celebrate Christmas; instead, I celebrate Crifmaz. It’s observed on December 23 or 27, depending on the year and the phases of the moon or something, so it fits neatly into the holiday breaks that most folks already get for winter holidays. Even better, coming as it does before Xmas Eve or after Boxing Day, it allows the season to be extended. Crimes requires no decorations, no carols, and no extended family. All that’s required is being kind to oneself for a day, either in the “relaxing” sense or in the “unbridled capitalism” sense. Best of all, the pronunciation is close enough to another holiday that your conservative grandparents won’t mail you Chick tracts. A true win for everyone!

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“Hey, dude?” Craig said. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Sure thing, bruh,” said Ixidriel, demon of the seventh circle and baron of Hell. “What’s up?”

“I just opened the fridge and, like, loosed these demonic bats upon the mortal world,” Craig said. “They, like, kinda drank of my blood and passed on the eternal thirst of the damned before flying off in search of fresh victims?”

“Aw, man, bruh, my bad,” said Ixidriel. “When I moved in you said the fridge was cool for leftovers.”

“I know, but next time could you, like, eat them before they’re unleashed on an unprepared world? Or write a note or something?”

“You got it, bruh.”

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The same blinding, radiant, holy light was at the next portal too, and the next, and the next. It was so bright, so awe-inspiring, and it surrounded and enveloped all, locking in everything with sheer luminance.

“Well, shit,” said the moth.

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“What are these red things, hot dogs?”

“Oh no, those are my Inverse Pickles. You can have one if you want, but I warn you, they’re the complete opposite of normal pickles.”

“Because they’re red instead of green?”

“Well, yeah. But they also have a totally different flavor and texture and are brined in sugar water. Also unlike pickles they’re not gross.”

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>GET GHOST
You can’t get the ghost. It eerily phases through your hands with a mocking laugh.

>GET GHOST
We just told you that you can’t get the ghost. It does the same thing again, and your hands are getting cold.

>GET GHOST
The ghost phases away once again, and it appears to be getting genuinely angry.

>GET GHOST
The ghost, tired of your antics, gets YOU. You are possessed.

>GO NORTH
You go north. Obvious exits are SOUTH toward the ghostly gulch, EAST to the parking lot, and WEST over the stark cliffs to the jagged rocks below.

>GO WEST
The drop does not look survivable. Are you sure?

>GO WEST
You fling yourself over the edge. The fall does not kill you, but the sharp stop at the end does. The ghost departs your mangled form, laughing maniacally.

YOU HAVE DIED! Score: 6/206

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Are YOU sick and tired of paying OUTRAGEOUS charnel house prices for your spooky, scary skeletons? Do YOU need capering armies of ossified undead sooner rather than later? If so, it’s our pleasure to introduce SKELETON-IN-A-CAN!

Each Skeleton-In-A-Can comes prepackaged with a full 206-bone skeleton, ethically sourced, humanely slaughtered, and completely deflected. You can either raise it with the necromancy you have at home, articulate it for static display, or use the SkelCo E-Z-Necro Kit (sold separately) to make the process a breeze! Each kit is fully guaranteed for unlife.*

*SkelCo defines unlike as a period of up to 30 days but not exceeding one calendar year. Consult a professional necromancer if your bones remain stiff after one year. Not certified for combat; please use SkelCo’s Grunt-In-A-Can for any situation beyond simple terror and menial tasks. Void where prohibited and on holy ground. Michigan and California residents may return expired bones for a deposit.

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This property is your classic haunted house, and comes fully equipped with the ghost of a former occupant. While we at LBF Realty regret that we cannot fully investigate every haunting, the ghost on this property is certified to be a Class I full-torso apparition or greater. No cheap poltergeists here! As a result, your property is guaranteed to experience one or more of the following per year: moans, creaks, cold spots, screams, reenactment of traumas long-past, possessions, and other Class I-III phenomena. While higher frequencies are possible, as are Class IV-V phenomena, they are not covered by our LBF guarantee.

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