Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

The Clockwork Frog
This mechanical marvel is part automaton, part magical item, with parts that fit together with magical precision and finish. It is a model of the common frog, Rana temporaria, embellished with precious metals, gems, and filigree. Upon winding, it will burst forth into melodious song accompanied by a jaunty double-jointed dance that no real amphibian could ever hope to master. However, it will only do so when the viewer is utterly alone–while non-sapient beings such as dogs do not seem to count, only one being capable of reason or speech may view the automaton at once. Any more than that, and the device will immediately cease functioning and enter an inert state. Its maker’s mark, WB, suggests that it was crafted by notorious misanthrope mage Werner Bruder as a private amusement.

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The Chew Toy of Infinite Durability
This piece of tanned leather, tied into a knot at either end to resemble a rough bone shape, will be familiar to many dog owners. However, regardless of the canine privations visited upon it, this chew toy will never bend, never break, and never lose its flavor, leaving it capable of satisfying all but the pickiest pooches indefinitely. Durability tests conducted at the proving grounds near the Norsfurt Arsenal have shown it to be resistant to fire, cannonballs, dragon powder explosions, sledgehammers, and the heat of a blast furnace. Other than the engraving “Skippy” on the bottom, nothing is known about its owner or creator.

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The Card of Thoughtfulness
This small card is made of thick paper and is similar to those used as calling, greeting, or sympathy cards often sold in markets or by papermongers. To the possessor, the card appears blank, but when given to another, it immediately takes on the appearance of an expensive and thoughtful card appropriate to a nearby major holiday, anniversary, or event. Once accepted, the card will gradually fade back to white after a period of time, allowing it to be given again. If discarded or torn up, it will reappear in the possession of its previous owner. While no maker is known, it is quite clear that a powerful if forgetful mage created it so they would never be without an appropriate greeting card.

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The Cap of Munch
A seemingly ordinary leather cap in the Phrygian style, this hat curses the wearer with insatiable hunger while they wear it, though it can be removed at any time. As long as the hat is on, the wearer will derive no nourishment from any food nor hydration from anything but plain water. They also seem to lose any physical constraints to their stomachs, being able to eat continuously without suffering from constipation, stomach upset, or vomiting. They also will not need to relieve themselves of anything but the water they drink. It is speculated that the famously corpulent enchanter Neffe de Lyxx created the cap to allow for constant feasting without weight gain or ill effects, but it was not among the effects carefully catalogued from the de Lyxx estate after Neffe was found throttled to death.

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The Bone of Contention
This is a long leg bone of an animal, possibly a human or other great ape. It is plain and unadorned, and has no special physical properties other than an unusually strong aura of indestructibility which makes it difficult if not impossible to destroy. It exerts a very strong psychic effect, though; anyone who sees the bone will immediately become highly desirous of it, attempting to obtain it at the earliest possible convenience through the quickest means, from purchase to theft. Once attained, the possessor will become immune to the effect in 6-8 days and will usually give away or discard the bone, beginning the cycle anew. Other than its notoriety for provoking a bidding war between Macken van Donderberg and the Ernest Graf Epee, the item has no practical use.

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The Bottomless Stein
This is a plain wooden beer stein, of a roughly standard Old Imperial size, that is always full whenever it is grasped by a living hand. The beer it provides is always of a high quality, but changes randomly each time it is used—lagers, ales, and even microbrews have been reported. However, any attempt to pour the beer out into any other container inevitably fails, and it will immediately become empty if upended. The method of its filling is unknown—Archmage Alaric Vogelkopf uses it as proof of his speculated Elemental Plane of Beer—but the mug’s plainness, the random nature of the liquid within, and the drink’s inability to be shared have led it to be regarded as a curiosity.

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The Rug of Bunchlessness
This large rug, approximately 11 by 5 old Imperial feet, is a neutral earth tone color and otherwise unremarkable. It is quite worn in places, and has had extensive repairs on one end. Powerful magicks encircle the rug, woven into every fiber, such that a spell of magic detection of use of a magiscope nearby will result in an overwhelming, even painful, reading. These magicks alter the very fabric of time, space, gravity, and inertia around the rug to keep it lying absolutely flat, and it will not bunch up or otherwise move from its place unless picked up by hand. While the maker’s tag has long since come off, only a few extremely powerful arch-mages throughout history could have possibly woven together such powerful spells precisely in order and tune to achieve this effect. It seems that, tired of the rug bunching up, an unknown but extremely powerful wizard decided there was no kill like overkill.

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The Blade of Sheathing
This cruciform dagger is plainly decorated but finely made, and is of the sort that a wealthy person might carry as a personal defense weapon without attracting too much attention. However, the dagger is actually firmly fixed into the sheath by way of a solid crosspin, and the very act of wearing it causes all desire to indulge in violence, even in self-preservation, to ebb away. The effect is so subtle that a user may never even notice that the blade cannot be drawn, simply because they will never try. It bears the maker’s mark of the House of Messergeist, a maker of fine small blades, but it is unclear if they simply provided the blade or also magicked it with one of their house enchanters. The loss of Messergeist factory records in a fire 127 years ago makes it impossible to be sure.

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The Pepperbox of Pacification
A modern pepperbox-style revolving firearm, which can be loaded with dragon powder and lead balls to allow users to fire up to six shots at a target 10-25 paces away with a high chance of causing devastating or fatal injury. This pepperbox will load and fire perfectly at a paper target or firing range, but it will refuse to fire at any living being. Even accidental discharges are impossible, as the magicked barrels are twisted such that the dragon powder is rendered inert and the lead balls stick in the chambers. It is speculated that this weapon was prepared as a means of covert assassination, intended to fail its owner when they were in great personal danger, but other than the enigmatic maker’s mark GKW nothing else is known about it.

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The Fire Poker of Coolness
A standard-sized fire poker with an added hook for raking ashes, this was one part of a set of three such implements that apparently included a rake and an ash bucket. What enchantments, if any, the other two implements had is unknown, and the current set has two mundane replacements in their stead. The poker has been magicked with an intense aura of heat dissipation, which is a very complex and time-consuming property to work with—many practicing mages and wizards prefer using much simpler cold spells for that very reason. No matter how hot the poker gets, and it has been tested to up to 1000ºZ, it retains an ambient temperature of 22.2ºZ. It has no other unusual properties, and while it could conceivably be used as a club against the relatively frail physical form of a fire elemental, it appears that a powerful and anonymous mage simply was tired of burning their hands tending a fire.

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