August 1, 2017
“Now, as you know, the state requires me to teach you about weather patterns.”
“Yeah, we know.”
“Pretty boring, huh?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, they don’t say anything about which planet the weather has to be on. Who’s ready for a lesson on the acid rains of Venus and the 100-year hurricanes on Jupiter?”
“Yeah!”
July 15, 2017
Fayne Island was named after an obscure British fur trapper, and remained one of the largest unsettled islands in the Great Lakes until a community of Mennonites moved there in 1801.
The Mennonites, originally from lower Michigan, were worried about temptation and influence from the world outside their sect. So they moved their entire small community to the island to set up a self-sufficient settlement in what was then the frontier.
Harsh winters and stony soil made for a very difficult time, and the Mennonites found themselves increasingly unable to farm for a living by the 1840s. Eventually, at a contentious meeting, they decided to solicit outsiders to trade for materials they could not make themselves and for food in years when harvests were bad.
By 1860, a small trading community of non-Mennonites had formed, and it grew rapidly. The first non-Mennonite buildings outside the docks were laid out in the 1870s, and by the 1880s the Mennonites were a minority on Fayne, with many having left the faith and others moving to join less tiny religious communities elsewhere. A small number of Mennonites remain, isolated and on cool terms with the rest of the population.
Fayne had become a popular summer destination by the turn of the century, and many of the main buildings date to that time. The Golden Gardenia Hotel dates to 1897, becoming a favorite of those who couldn’t afford other island hotels like the Grand on Mackinac or who simply preferred a cozier atmosphere.
The end of the lake trade in the 1950s and 1960s badly hurt what had become Fayne Township, and the island fell on hard times with many closures and a loss of population to the mainland, a trend that continues to this day. Though the economy improved in the 1990s, and the Golden Gardenia was saved from demolition, it is a far cry from the salad days of the late 1800s.
Contemporary Fayne Island finds itself at a crossroads. The population is rapidly aging, and many of the young people are moving away. While still relatively popular, tourist attractions like the Gardenia make residents worry about an influx of outsiders that could wipe away the township’s uniqueness. Many older residents are very outspoken about making the island another tourist trap for “fudges” a la Mackinac.
To open itself up to the world and possibly lose its uniqueness, or to remain isolated and possibly dwindle into nothingness–those are the options confronting Fayne Island in the 21st century.
July 14, 2017
The Blue Jar of Yblesh is one of the more famous supposed examples of an out-of-place artifact or OOPArt. Excavated near Yblesh by Sir Roger Stanley in 1894, the Blue Jar appears to be a simple cobalt class container, shattered and then reassembled with a lid. It was found in a strata indicating that it had been buried in approximately 2500 BCE.
However, the Jar appears to have been made using the Schürer process, which was invented in Europe around 1400, and it is in a style more akin to the late 1600s or early 1700s. The presence of an early modern glass in an early modern style continues to excite speculation. Time travel enthusiasts, young-earth creationists, and even alien abductees have all cited the Blue Jar of Yblesh as proof of their views.
Naturally there are skeptics, most of whom claim that the Jar was either planted by Sir Roger or accidentally mixed in with an improper strata during an excavation that left much to be desired by modern standards. Carbon dating does not work on glass, and detailed studies on the Jar have been limited to its current owner, the Vatican Museums, which is reluctant to potentially damage an item popular with tourists.
July 10, 2017
Mouse of Farts
A mouse made of living flautus comes into being at the point the caster designates. It will roam, randomly farting, throughout the combat area for a number of rounds equal to 1d6 + caster’s level. All creatures of less than 4 hit dice must perform a fortitude save with a DC15 or lose their next action to uncontrollable retching. This includes both hostiles and party members as well as the caster. Party members and creatures with more than 4 hit dice save at a +10 and may still make free actions while retching.
Fomend’s Beating Sphere
A small sphere of solid metal comes into being at the caster’s fingertips and flies directly for the crotch of the targeted enemy. It will beat at the targeted crotch for 1d4 + caster’s level rounds. If the target is male or otherwise has vulnerable genitalia, each beating will cause 1d4 damage and has a 25% chance of immobilizing the target with pain for 1 round. If the target is female or has genital armor, the beating sphere has no effect. Targets of 4 hit dice or greater may make a reflex save at DC 18 to swat the sphere out of the air to avoid its effects.
Barking Stones
2d8 stones in the vicinity begin loudly barking and snarling as if they were highly agitated guard dogs. The sound will cause creatures of 2 hit dice or less to make a morale check or flee in terror. The stones gain +1 to their effect if they are behind a fortification such as a wall or door, as it is more difficult to trace the source of the noise. The effect lasts for 1d12 rounds and cannot be extended. Stones are required for the effect but may be carried by the caster. Smashing the stones ends the effect.
Q’s Invisibility
The caster or a being they designate becomes invisible for 1d4 + caster’s level rounds. The invisibility only affects the bring itself, not any of their clothing or gear. It also prevents the affected from interacting with any matter, including their clothing or gear. The affected may wander at the same height above (or below) sea level that they were at when the spell was cast, but will move through any higher ground and will hover above any lower ground. If the affected is in the air when the spell dissipates, they will incur the appropriate falling damage. If they are in the ground, they will violently displace any matter occupying the same space and may suffer from suffocation.
July 9, 2017
Burping Light Sin
The caster designates a target within eyesight. If the target fails a will save, target will begin burping uncontrollably for 1d6 rounds. If the target is 3 hit dice or less, the constant burping will inflict a -1 to hit penalty and a -1 to armor class, as well as -1 to all saving throws. Targets with 4 hit dice or more will only suffer a save penalty. Stealth is impossible while the spell is in effect. At the GM’s discretion, creatures with noxious properties may expel a burp cloud with negative effects while enchanted.
Vicious Markers
A series of 1d4 magic markers will appear at the caster’s fingertips. At the caster’s command they will engage a target and mark it up for 2d6 rounds. The marks made will be randomly selected from the following list for each round the spell is in effect:
-dinosaurs
-random scribbles
-curse words
-flying saucers
-Blarney the Friendly Purple Orc
-The Musical Thrones™ series
-barnyard animals
-stick figures
Marks made on unliving surfaces are indelible and will only wear off with the passage of time (6 months-1 year) while marks made on living tissue may be scrubbed off (10 rounds scriubbing per square foot). The marks do not impede combat unless they get in a target creature’s eyes, but they will make it more difficult to see and serve as a distraction (-1 to perception rolls, -1 to saving throws, -1 to ranged attack rolls). Creatures without a sense of humor and creatures that are easily distracted may also suffer a -1 to armor class.
Cow of Auraly
At the caster’s command a large magical cow (2000 lbs) will appear at the spot designated. The magical cow will have the stats of a Herd Animal, Bison, although it will not attack. It will, however, follow the directions of the caster in moving around the battlefield, and can attempt to push away melee attackers as a grappling action. The cow will otherwise act as an obstacle, and grant +10 AC versus missile weapons to characters hiding behind it. The cow can and will take damage and it will dissipate when its hit points are exhausted. The cow may also be ridden or used to bear burdens, but it will only last for a number of rounds equal to 1d12 + the caster’s level.
Gland Growth
This spell has a range of 10 feet. Any target within the spell radius designated by the caster will have a random gland in their body swell to many times its original size. The effect will last for 1d4 rounds and will vary based on the gland that is enlarged:
Salivary gland – target will drool uncontrollably and choke
Pancreas – target’s abdoment will expand painfully and they may go into glycemic shock
Liver – target’s abdomen will swell painfully and they may be affected with jaundice
Lacrimal glands – target will be blinded and weep uncontrollably
Mamary glands – target (male or female) will lactate uncontrollably
Pituitary gland/Hypothalamus – target’s head will painfully enlarge and brain functions may be impaired
Thyroid – target will develop a large goiter that will make it difficult to move their head and neck
Testes/ovaries – target’s lower abdomen will swell painfully and they may be unable to move and more vulnerable to critical hits
The target must have a gland of the type chosen for the spell to work, and the magic will fail if no suitable gland exists.
July 8, 2017
Weego Toys had been a strong competitor in the action figure market of the 1970s, but the success of reverse-licensed properties like He-Man in the 1980s caught them flat-footed. In a desperate attempt to catch up, Weego created several of its own properties with their own toy lines. Sadly, none were particularly popular and the effort drove the company into a debt spiral from which it would never recover:
Action Bun
A line of anthropomorphic animal figures. After a mad scientist gifted a field rabbit with intelligence and thumbs via the Uplift-O-Tron, Action Bun and his friends fought against Viper Lord and his evil Coldbloods.
CatRain
After an inner-city dojo is cursed by an ancient Chinese scroll, its misfit ninjas mutate into powerful fighting felines! Led by Kung Fu master Claw Wind, the characters attempt to protect the city from villainous land developer Slime Rat.
Sharkstorm
Designed to promote a new line of flexible rubber figures, the Sharkstorm team have no solid bones but only cartilege thanks to being the children of marine research chemists. They battle terrorism all over the globe, typified by foes like Sewer Man and Slagg Light.
Princess Pow!
This line was designed to appeal to female viewers. The princes of the land of Fistia have long used the sacred Punch Berries to power themselves up to fight for their kingdom. But when the king has only a daughter, it’s time for Princess Ceraton to partake of the berries to become Princess Pow! Now she punches for justice and tangles with the evil schemes of Overfink.
July 1, 2017
“You have entered the sanctum of Galax,” said the warlord. “Subjugator of galaxies, tamer of stars, terror of nebulae. Ask your question.”
“Ah, yes, my lord,” said the ambassador from Nairte IV. “We have a question about the pronunciation of your name.”
“My name?” the warlord said.
“Yes,” said the ambassador. “Is it pronounced GAL-LAX or GAY-LAX?”
“What does it matter?”
“Oh, it matters a great deal, my lord,” said the ambassador. “If it’s GAL-LAX, that has a certain ring to it, but GAY-LAX? We might have trouble taking you seriously if it’s that one.”
“Would it make you care less if I threatened to destroy your miserable world?” the warlord said.
“Well, if you were to do that, would you mind answering the question first? We’d still really like to know.”
June 20, 2017
They say that Smooty Pete was the luckiest, most inept pirate ever to sail from Jolly Port on King’s Island.
On his first voyage, he was stopped by a British warship. On his second voyage, his ship ran onto a reef. On his third, his ship sank. On his fourth, he was stopped by a British warship, ran onto a reef, and then sank his ship.
Yet every voyage he had a willing crew. Why?
It might have been the British captain who had a heart attack and died, leaving his entire crew and cargo in Smooty Pete’s hands. The treasure-bearing hulk that formed the reef was another point in his favor. The ship that sank was on the verge of mutiny, and the loyal survivors were given a bounty for their “valor.”
But on Smooty Pete’s final voyage, his luck ran out…and his legend began.
June 4, 2017
Heyward Banister was a local carpenter on Elsewhere Isle who was well-regarded for his acumen. In preparation for his retirement, he built a set of three duplexes to rent out for a steady income–the Banister Arms Apartments.
But, whether due to illness, dementia, or a previously unknown obsessive-compulsive streak, Mr. Banister refused to certify the buildings as complete and ready to be rented. He insisted that their stairs were “wrong,” and furthermore that they had to be fixed before he would suffer anyone to live there.
As a result, the Banister Arms duplexes saw their staircases rebuilt in their entirety three times. Landings appeared and disappeared. The angle and steepness of steps changed. After the second rebuild, Banister was seen angrily tearing out his days-old handiwork. Asked by the local paper what had happened, Banister simply said: “There’s a problem with the stairs, and I’ve taken steps to correct the problem.”
Ironically, it was the steps that would be the end of the rebuilding process. Midway through what would have been the fourth rebuild, Mr. Banister took a step onto nothingness and fell from the second story to the ground, breaking both legs. His medical bills, along with the sunk costs of rebuilding the place so many times, led his wife to finally step in. She declared the apartments livable and had another carpenter finish the stairs.
To the day he died, though, Mr. Banister insisted that the steps were “wrong” and would loudly declare such to anyone who would listen. “I just know,” he’d say, “people are staring.”
June 3, 2017
It’s the wreck of the S.S. Llama. It was 15 weeks out of Lima Peru with a cargo of llamas, the llamas were originally intended for a large-scale agricultural experiment in California, the so-called Llama Scheme that saw them as a way to terraform the desert and make it bloom.
The S.S. Llama foundered in a rare typhoon on the shores of Elsewhere Island, which was then known by its Spanish name of Isla de los Piedras (Isle of Stones). The ship broke up on the rocks for which the island was named just after midnight, disgorging human and llama alike.
Despite being dashed against the rocks the entire crew and all but one of llamas were saved. The only llama that they couldn’t save was Swimmy Dave (actually a female), the only one who loved to swim; he swam in the direction of Santa Monica and was never seen again. Legend has it that there have been Swimmy Dave sightings all over the Southwest and rumors of a secret llama colony persist to this day
Survivors of the wreck founded the first llama farm in North America on Elsewhere Island, and when they were approached by search and rescue ships, they refused to leave their new home and instead traded soft llama fur for badly needed supplies such as steel pans, medical kits, and toilet paper.
50% of the modern inhabitants of Elsewhere Island descend from these original unwilling colonists, as well as 100% of the llamas. Alas, inbreeding in the llama population means that llama farming is a very minor portion of the island’s economy today and most lot of farming is done strictly for subsistence or artisan purposes; most modern llama fur comes from llamas in Tibet.
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 