“Hey,” said Mike to the unusually large cicada. “I’m going to need you to keep it down in here.”
“You’re such a buzzkill, Mike,” it replied.
February 11, 2017
From “Requiem for a Hum” by Blythe Hilson
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February 10, 2017
From “Babushka Ninjas” by Blythe Hilson
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They’re stealthy…
They’re hardy…
And if you’re an insufficiently devout Orthodox churchgoer or an improperly-dressed young lady, they’re coming for YOU!
They’re the
BABUSHKA NINJAS
and they’re coming to theaters this January 7.
“You’re not going outside dressed like THAT, are you?”
February 9, 2017
From “COMEBACQ: The Retro-Conversation App” by Aria Lenahan
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: app, comebacks, fiction, humor, story |1 Comment
Have you ever been speechless in an argument only to think of a comeback only when it’s too late? Have you woken up weeks later, in a cold sweat, with the perfect response and no way to use it?
Fret no more!
Introducing COMEBACQ, the new retro-conversation app from the makers of Twinger and Slapchat!
Using COMEBAQ is easy! Snap a surreptitious photo of your target, and then take as long as you like to think of a zinger. Just pop up your smartphone, say your comeback into the COMEBACQ app, and upload your creeper pic!
Your offer will be distributed to COMEBACQ’s network of professional actors, enabling any of them to collect. Then they’ll approach your target and goad them straight into the comeback you’ve provided. You’ll get a first-person video of the encounter that you can save and cherish.
And the best part? Unless your zinger gets delivered, there’s no fee!
If you’re an out-of-work actor who feels like making some cash on the side, you can join COMEBACQ as a provider and start earning today! You get paid immediately less a small maintenence fee, or you can sign up as a monthly subscriber to get additional benefits and waive all fees.
Your first zinger is free as a COMEBAQ user, and if you join as a provider, your first gig is fee-free!
February 8, 2017
From “Weekend at Disney’s” by Raisin Schiller
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“Here’s what I don’t get,” said the cop. “Everyone dreams of getting injured at Disney. It’s the jackpot. Lawyers swarming out of the woodwork, working for free to get a chunk of the nice fat settlement.”
“Yeah,” said his buddy. “If you’d come straight to us, you could’ve had a wrongful death suit on your hands that would’ve paid for the funeral, the trip, everything. Enough to buy your kid as many grandmothers as he wants.”
“The kid wanted to be there so much,” said Eric. “And you get to skip the line if you have someone in a wheelchair, whether they’re alive or dead.”
February 7, 2017
From “Zombie President Brayne’s Secretary of Dessication Confirmed” by Cree Braal-Cortez
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, humor, politics, story, zombies |1 Comment
Zombie President Brayne scored a major victory today as the Senotaph voted 50-50 to confirm his nominee for Secretary of Dessication. The tie was broken by Zombie Vice President Mortis in favor, and nominee Botulia Detritus begins her duties immediately.
Many Senotaphers in the opposition Necrotic Party denounced the nominee, insisting that Ms. Detritus had no record of public service and knew nothing of dessication, having had her own children mummified at private clinics. The interview process had also raised eyebrows, as Ms. Detritus removed and stroked her brain several times during the proceedings before announcing she had no idea what anyone was talking about.
Her association with the Brainist movement has also come under scrutiny, with Ms. Detritus on record as saying that teachers should be prepared to eat their students’ brains. She has also branded mixed zombie-fleshie schools “failures” and supported the controversial brain voucher system, in which zombies trade “vouchers” representing the brains of the living which they intend to consume as soon as it becomes possible. “Ms. Detritus’s nomination,” said Senotapher Gland, head of the Necrotic Party caucus, “will set back integrated zombie/fleshy education a hundred years.”
But Zombie President Brayne’s Mortician Party defended the nominee as an “outsider” with “fresh ideas.” At a press conference, Blight House Press Secretary Amy G. Dala noted that Ms. Detritus’s “private sector experience” made her “the perfect choice for bringing rigor mortis back into the cirriculum.” When asked by an NBS reporter about whether the post was a “reward” for Ms. Detritus’s $1.2 billion dollars in contributions to the Mortician Party over the last five years, Secretary Dala dismissed this as “fake news” before slaying the reporter and eagerly consuming his brain.
February 6, 2017
From “A Realization” by Anonymous
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February 5, 2017
From “Penalties from the Big Game” by NBS Sports
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: American football, fiction, football, humor, story |Leave a Comment
Q1
14:55 – Holding. 5y penalty.
12:55 – Unsportsmanlike conduct. 10y penalty.
4:77 – Posession by unauthorized spirit. 5y penalty.
1:00 – Too many men on the field. 17 unauthorized players ejected from field, 7.7y penalty.
Q2
15:00 – Illegal laying on of hands. 15hp penalty to quarterback.
14:12 – Holding. 10y penalty.
13:13 – Illegal hex. Blight End ejected for turning wide reciever into horned toad.
7:77 – Palpably unfair act. 10y penalty for all players in impromptu love-in.
5:10 – Unsportsmanlike conduct. 5y penalty.
1:05 – Leaping. 10,000 ft cruising altitude penalty.
Q3
12:21 – Offsides. 10y penalty.
10:46 – Intentional grounding. 1500 volt penalty through tight end.
5:57 – Unsportsmanlike conduct. 15y penalty.
2:28 – Pass interference. 15 gallons of Immodium AD confiscated. 20y penalty.
Q4
14:31 – Personal fowl. Illegal chicken escorted off of field. 5y penalty.
12:01 – Offsides. 5y penalty.
9:32 – Roughing the snapper. Sparky the Snapping Turtle replaced with his backup, Snarky the Snapping Turtle. 10y penalty.
8:18 – Targeting. Satellite Orbital Laser (SOL) guidance lock remotely disabled after severing tight end’s arm. 5y penalty
3:33 – Tripping. 12 blotters of lysergic acid diethylamide confiscated. 10y penalty.
February 4, 2017
From “Zombie President Brayne Builds Friendship With Australia” by Cree Braal-Cortez
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, story |Leave a Comment
ZOMBIE PRESIDENT BRAYNE: Hello? Australia?
AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER TURNCOLM: Yes, hello. This is Prime Minister Turncolm. Am I speaking with Zombie President Brayne?
BRAYNE: I’m going to eat your brains.
TURNCOLM: I beg your pardon?
BRAYNE: I’m going to eat your brains.
TURNCOLM: Did you…did you just say that you’re going to eat my brains?
BRAYNE: No. I don’t know how you got that idea.
TURNCOLM: Perhaps when you said ‘I’m going to eat your brains’ twice in a row?
BRAYNE: I was joking. It was a joke.
TURNCOLM: I think it was in rather poor taste, Mr. Zombie President.
BRAYNE: I think you’re in poor taste. When I eat your brains.
TURNCOLM: There! You just did it again! Are you trying to set back Zombie-Australian relations, Mr. Zombie President?
BRAYNE: That was also a joke. If you can’t take a zombie joke, that’s your problem.
TURNCOLM: You’ll forgive me if I take the leader of the zombie world seriously when he says he’ll eat my brains.
BRAYNE: I don’t know where you are getting these ideas. Some fake news site, maybe. But I am committed to Zombie-Australia relations.
TURNCOLM: Well, that’s good to hear. I do have some serious issues to discuss, Mr. Zombie President.
BRAYNE: I am also committed to eating your brains.
TURNCOLM: You just did it again! Is this a game to you, Mr. Zombie President?
BRAYNE: You keep hearing alternative facts, Prime Minister.
TURNCOLM: This conversation is over.
BRAYNE: Okay. Enjoy the zombie nukes.
TURNCOLM: What?
BRAYNE:
February 3, 2017
From “Highlander Gorilla” by Blythe Hilson
Posted by alexp01 under Excerpt | Tags: fiction, humor, story |Leave a Comment
And that’s why all the remaining great apes live in forests, where they can run andd hide and stay hidden.
It’s because they know that we the humans are coming for them. We’ve pruned off every other branch of our family tree, leaving only the hardiest and most elusive members still kicking.
For when humanity finally lays low the last of the great apes, we will become the Greatest Ape and win the Prize.
There can be only one.
February 2, 2017
From “NukeQuil” by GesteCo LLC CmbH
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You may have noticed that most over the counter medicines don’t kill every microorganism in your body?
That’s why GesteCo LLC GmbH has introduced NukeQuil™. NukeQuil is the only over the counter medicine guaranteed to kill all the germs in your body. By killing your body.
It’s 100% effective!
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 