December 28, 2015
The doctor was flug against the wall by a dripping green tentacle. The great mass of infectious goo, issuing forth from every orifice the child posessed, had reached the stage of its evolution in which it was big and bad enough to meet violence with violence.
Rushing to his side, the parents helped him to his feet. “What can we do now?”
“Your child needs….a Mucinexorcism,” the doctor said in a painful wheeze. “Get me…the Mucinexorcist.”
December 27, 2015
It is in times of war, when modern men and modern machines move into uncertain spheres, that the most such strange encounters take place. A few notable ones:
1879: South Africa
A cavalry detachment that was assigned the pursuit of broken Zulu formations after the decisive Battle of Ulundi. The number of men involved are unclear, but 12 men–British soldiers and Zulu warriors with British equipment–eventually appeared in Portuguese Mozambique and were interned there. Despite repeated requests they were never returned, and a perusal of Portuguese records suggests that all 12 were incurably insane and remitted to an asylum in Lourenço Marques. An official report was tendered to the Foriegn Office by the Overseas Ministry in Lisbon, but it was sealed by order of the Prime Minister until 2100.
1915: Egypt
A raiding party of Turkish troops penetrated the Egyptian desert during the larger assault on the Suez Canal. A British force was detailed to follow them. Only five survivors were found despite extensive searches of the high desert, far to the south of the combat near the Dashur necropolis. Reports of strange lights in the desert by Egyptians corresponded with wild tales told by survivors of vicious attacks by luminous beings that could not be driven off with gunfire.
1942: New Guinea
A detachment of Australian troops fleeing toward Port Moresby and pursued by a larger Japanese force disappeared along with their adversaries. In 1945, the remains of a joint Australian-Japanese campside was found high in the Owen Stanley range far from the combat zone. Papers recovered by the investigators reported encounters with shadowy “tribesmen” in the forest. The descriptions matched no known tribes in the Owen Stanley range or the Kokoda Trail areas. No survivors were ever found.
1970: Cambodia
South Vietnamese and American troops moving into the dense jungles of Cambodia reported the discovery of an unknown temple complex from the late Angkor period via radio. There was no subsequent contact aside from a garbled request for close air support that could not be fulfilled. Subsequent searches failed to locate either the temple or the soldiers, with 10 Americans in one squad and a further 50 South Vietnamese troops being listed as missing in action. Examination of North Vietnamese records from the period indicates that an opposing force of 150 troops was also officially unaccounted for.
December 26, 2015
Consumers are dumb, stupid, panicky animals. They are irrational, spurning data in favor of gut instinct and gut instinct in favor of data. Trying to change their behavior results, often as not, in unfounded rumors that your precious product causes testicular shrinkage or hyperactivity or cancer. What’s more, it’s expensive to change consumer behaviors, with a sustained campaign of misinformation being an essential component and plenty of competitors with their own misinformation.
But then we here at Cleared Customs (a division of GesteCo) had a much better idea: why not simply modify the customers themselves? It’s cheaper, simpler, and most importantly foolproof. We are therefore pleased to offer, on a trial basis in select cities, our new CC PhageAdvantage™ system. By releasing swarms of nanoscale delivery devices, we can alter the fundamental DNA of consumers and affect their purchasing behaviors, lifestyle, and physical form.
December 25, 2015
Excerpted from the Ruins & Rogues Creature Compendium, incorporating materials from the Sorcerers & Sabers Interverse Guide
S’aan T’Klaz
Frequency: Unique
Size/Type: Medium Undead (Fundamental Continuum of Frost, Primary Continuum, Evil Continuum)
Hit Dice: 10d10+10 (404 hp)
Initiative: +04
Speed: 04 ft.
Armor Class: 040
Base Attack/Grapple: +040/+040
Attack: Chilling touch +8 melee (40d04+04)
Space/Reach: 04 ft./04 ft.
Special Attacks: Blizzard, Summon Reigndayr, Jellify, Levitation, Regeneration, Summon Delf
Special Qualities: Telepathy (1000 ft.), Sleepken
Saves: Fort +040, Ref +040, Will +040
Abilities: Str 20, Dex 25, Con 30, Int 21, Wis 30, Cha 04
Skills: Listen +040, Spot +040
Environment: Fundamental Continuum of Frost, Primary Continuum, Evil Continuum
Organization: Unique
Challenge Rating: 040
Treasure: Class A
Alignment: Neutral evil
Advancement: 040 HD
Description:
The vile lich S’aan T’Klaz was once a powerful dual-class cleric/mage whose quest for immortality was originally fueled by a need to advance the cause of good through judging the wicked. Eventually, this judgment turned to destruction, and while S’aan T’Klaz still rewards those he judges to be good, his standards and definitions are such that nearly all living, thinking beings are adjudged evil and destroyed if they approach him.
S’aan T’Klaz remains a powerful spellcaster and cleric, casting spells at the 20th level of mastery without the need for material components. His personal abilities, usable once per day at will, include Blizzard, a blinding whirlwind of snow and ice that causes 2d10 damage per round for 5 rounds and requires a save vs. blindness; Summon Reigndayr, which will unleash a single battle-ready reigndayr (q.v.); Jellify, which will reduce a single target to a bowlful of gel; Levitation, which will allow S’aan T’Klaz to move himself vertically by laying a finger next to his gaping nasal cavity; Regeneration, as a lich of equivalent level; Summon Delf, which will unleash 1d4 battle ready death-elves (q.v.); Telepathy, as the spell, which allows S’aan T’Klaz to know if targets have been good or evil; and Sleepken, a unique power which allows him to determine the wakefulness of any being within 1000 miles.
December 24, 2015
The excitement of wee sleepers, safely tucked into bed. I’ve not known it for decades.
Some will never know it at all.
And yet, selfishly, I mourn a feeling that I will never have again. And let the wonder of the morning, brightness and joy, pass me by in a cloud of melancholy. And let the horror of those without, those who have never and will never, glide by in my preoccupation.
Does that make me a bad person, or just a mediocre one? And which is worse?
December 23, 2015
Oxford Biotechnology Pharmaceuticals, a division of GesteCo Corporation, responded with a public statement today about local complaints with its controversial “Garden of Life” biodome on the 7th-17th floors of their new corporate headquarters in Cronus Beach, FL.
“Oxford Biotech Pharma is commited to innovation, and our commitment is the entire reason behind the Garden of Life facility,” said spokeswoman Miriam Nethersole. “While we can’t, for patent and trademark reasons, disclose exactly what kind of genetic chimeras are afoot in our facility, the public should know that they are peaceful and entirely neccessary for our continued development programs.”
After the statement, Ms. Nethersole took questions from the assembled news media. “No, we do not have any comment at this time about a half-panther, half-boa constrictor hybrid,” she said in response to a question about an incident last month where a Cronus Beach resident blamed such a creature for the disappearence of 17 cats. “And if we did, Oxford Biotech Pharma would assure you that any such creature would subsist on small ground rodents and birds, not cats which it would consider cannibalism.”
When faced with a question about the mysterious mauling death of Alfred Nudelmayer, Ms. Nethersole deferred. “Our operation has been certified organic and gluten-free by the administration, from whom we have recieved generous matching startup funds,” she said. “If the sort of carnivorous horror that would crave a retired deli owner from Queens were a byproduct of this consideration for the environment and the president’s faith in us–and that’s not an admission–we would, of course, be saddened. But wouldn’t it truly be the dream of every deli owner, be they retired or active-duty, be they from Queens or from the Bronx, to give life to scientific inquiry with their gruesome shredding death?”
December 22, 2015
Of course, most enthusiasts of classic radio recall the glory days of the medium in the 1930s, and some may even have a soft spot for the rough-and-tumble early broadcasting of the 1920s. But the earliest era in broadcasting, the silent era of radio, is still largely neglected.
Silent radio broadcasts began out of an Edison company shed in New Jersey circa 1894–the exact date is slightly controversial. But the happy coincidence of a microphone left open during a mime show that was being recorded on phonograph led the Edison engineers to realize that there was market potential for silent radio. The first regularly scheduled silent radio show, the Jolly Follies, would follow. An adaptation of a popular Newark mummery, Jolly Follies was broadcast live, with intertitles, over the Edison company radio transmitter. The lack of sound meant that the carrier wave could be far less powerful and reach a much larger audience, and soon the few families that could afford radio sets were crowded around them every day at 5:45 for the Follies.
Silent radio also produced a number of phonograph discs for home listening, the most popular being a Follies competitor out of Philadelphia, the Quiet Riot. The disc, A Bully Day for Quiet Riot, sold 300,000 copies–close to one for every phonograph in circulation at the time. In a 1904 report, the New York Herald predicted that silent radio would soon overtake minstrel shows as the number one entertainment phenomena of the new century. Sadly, it was not to be.
Despite the wide popular embrace of silent radio, radio talkies had been under development since the beginning. Edison put out a radio show with a Morse code soundtrack as early as 1898, and by 1905 many silent radio shows were including sections with sound. Morse code, semaphore, smoke signals…the earliest non-silent radio shows experimented with them all before hitting on the formula so familiar today.
In turn, this spelled disaster for the established silent radio shows and stars of the earlier era. The Jolly Follies mummers spoke with heavy Slavonian accents, and the show faded in popularity despite an attempt to produce it with an all-new cast. The last episode was broadcast in 1919. Quiet Riot ended even sooner; its successor, Noisy Boys, was off the air by 1917. Stories about destitute former silent radio stars were a fixture of 1930s broadcast journalism, and due to the live nature of silent radio broadcasts, few were preserved for posterity–accounting in large part for their modern-day obscurity.
December 21, 2015
“No sign of anyone,” said John. He set down his Hawken rifle, muzzle to the sky, and rolled a lump of tobacco meditatively in and out of a hollow tooth. “Saw a dog, but it ran away. Might have been a stray, might not.”
“Same.” Samuel, though technically the leader of the party, tended to defer to John in military matters. The bullet that still rattled around in his side from the Black Hawk War was enough to see to that. “I haven’t seen anyone but tied-up horses. Turned ’em loose so they wouldn’t starve.”
“What do you suppose,” John said, “happened to upend a town of 100 souls such that we can’t find even one outside the graveyard?”
Samual looked back toward the party they were guiding–15 near-starving souls for whom the settlement of Eldridge had represented salvation. “I don’t know, and I don’t care,” said he. “We take what’s left and bed down here for a few days. If they come back, we’ll pay. If not…” he let the sentence trail off into the raw fall air.
“The tables were set for dinner, flies in the food,” said John. “I’m not sure anything I have could help us against whatever Injun or otherwise takes a man before he’s finished eating his dinner.”
December 20, 2015
The maid showed Burgess into Forrestal’s sitting room. A servant tottered in with steaming tea and biscuits, though Burgess could tell at a glance that both were poor quality and quite old, quite stale.
Mr. John Forrestal arrived a moment later, an impressive barrel of a man in pince-nez held betwixt hearty muttonchops. “Mr. James Burgess, is it?” he said. “Solicitor with Hamilton & Burr?”
“Quite right,” said Burgess, offering his hand. Forrestal declined to take it. “I assume you’ve had the opportunity to look over the papers I left with my calling card?”
“Quite.” Forrestal walked to the sitting room window and gazed out it. “My brother and I had not spoken for over two decades,” he said. “You’ll forgive me if I am not as visibly bereaved as seems proper. I have, in the interim, thrown myself into charitable works in an attempt to make amends for Peter’s…indiscretions.”
Burgess set down his case and began leafing through it. “Yes, I’ve seen the papers on file. The Charitable Association, the Workhouse Improvement League, the Liberal Party…it is quite the basket of bleeding hearts you have allowed to suckle from the proverbial teat.” Ordinarily Burgess would not have spoken so, but the man’s chilly and rather rude welcome had him in a testy mood.
“More than suckle,” snapped Forrestal. “I involve myself as a volunteer as well as a benefactor, and donate of my time and expertise as an accountant to the financial nitwits who run these sucklers.”
“As you say,” Burgess agreed. “Very kind, I’m sure.”
“And as an accountant, I have an…offer…for you, should you care to consider it.” Forrestal did a military about-face, his spectacles opaque and white with reflected sunlight. “Peter was a barrister specializing in fraud, so when it came to committing the act himself, he covered his tracks well. It was prudent for him to take leave, but the sum he left upon his death must have been substantial.”
Burgess pursed his lips. “It’s all in the papers, Mr. Forrestal.”
“Indeed. And I also see from the papers that the whole is to be awarded to…her…should you ajudge her competent of recieving it.”
“And if not, it will be awarded to the only other living next-of-kin,” said Burgess drily.
“She…is a carbunkle on my family,” Forrestal said. “Our great shame, an idiot and a cripple, scarcely capable of seeing to her own day-to-day needs, let alone a substantial estate. There are charities that could use that money for the benefit of mankind, solicitor. And there are many loopholes that can see Hamilton & Burr amply…rewarded…for their services in seeing that the monies are dispersed properly.”
“In that case,” said Burgess evenly. “You ought to suggest as much to your niece and, as of now, only living relative. If she is as much an idiot as you say she is, no doubt the suggestion will be taken up quite readily.”
Burgess and Forrestal glared at each other a moment, all that was unsaid between them hanging thick and dusty in the air. “So be it, then,” growled Forrestal. “Mary! Show the solicitor to Melindas chambers. And make up a room for him in case his business with that creature demands more than an afternoon’s time.”
December 19, 2015
…while most readers are familiar with the media-savvy ghost hunting concerns that emerged during the boom in the early 1980s, and to a lesser extent the mid 1970s, very few people realize that ghost hunting as a profession has its roots in the early 20th century.
“These photographs, advertisements, schematics, and other materials are essential to understanding the early history of ghost hunting, which not many people know was centered in Michigan,” said project director Amanda Hughenckiz of the HPL. “Most people think of ghost hunting pre-1970 as nonsense with nets, and we aim to debunk that.”
Key items from the collection include photographs of an early horse-drawn neutron spirit-catching beam from 1904, a picture of a ghost hunt at a spiritualist going wrong that resulted in 3 poltergiests being captured and frozen in ice (a method that ghost hunters did not learn was ineffective at preventing further hauntings until 1947).
Inspired by this.
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 