Excerpts From Nonexistent Books

I don’t celebrate Christmas; instead, I celebrate Crifmaz. It’s observed on December 23 or 27, depending on the year and the phases of the moon or something, so it fits neatly into the holiday breaks that most folks already get for winter holidays. Even better, coming as it does before Xmas Eve or after Boxing Day, it allows the season to be extended. Crimes requires no decorations, no carols, and no extended family. All that’s required is being kind to oneself for a day, either in the “relaxing” sense or in the “unbridled capitalism” sense. Best of all, the pronunciation is close enough to another holiday that your conservative grandparents won’t mail you Chick tracts. A true win for everyone!

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“Hey, dude?” Craig said. “Can I talk to you for a sec?”

“Sure thing, bruh,” said Ixidriel, demon of the seventh circle and baron of Hell. “What’s up?”

“I just opened the fridge and, like, loosed these demonic bats upon the mortal world,” Craig said. “They, like, kinda drank of my blood and passed on the eternal thirst of the damned before flying off in search of fresh victims?”

“Aw, man, bruh, my bad,” said Ixidriel. “When I moved in you said the fridge was cool for leftovers.”

“I know, but next time could you, like, eat them before they’re unleashed on an unprepared world? Or write a note or something?”

“You got it, bruh.”

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The same blinding, radiant, holy light was at the next portal too, and the next, and the next. It was so bright, so awe-inspiring, and it surrounded and enveloped all, locking in everything with sheer luminance.

“Well, shit,” said the moth.

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“What are these red things, hot dogs?”

“Oh no, those are my Inverse Pickles. You can have one if you want, but I warn you, they’re the complete opposite of normal pickles.”

“Because they’re red instead of green?”

“Well, yeah. But they also have a totally different flavor and texture and are brined in sugar water. Also unlike pickles they’re not gross.”

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>GET GHOST
You can’t get the ghost. It eerily phases through your hands with a mocking laugh.

>GET GHOST
We just told you that you can’t get the ghost. It does the same thing again, and your hands are getting cold.

>GET GHOST
The ghost phases away once again, and it appears to be getting genuinely angry.

>GET GHOST
The ghost, tired of your antics, gets YOU. You are possessed.

>GO NORTH
You go north. Obvious exits are SOUTH toward the ghostly gulch, EAST to the parking lot, and WEST over the stark cliffs to the jagged rocks below.

>GO WEST
The drop does not look survivable. Are you sure?

>GO WEST
You fling yourself over the edge. The fall does not kill you, but the sharp stop at the end does. The ghost departs your mangled form, laughing maniacally.

YOU HAVE DIED! Score: 6/206

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Are YOU sick and tired of paying OUTRAGEOUS charnel house prices for your spooky, scary skeletons? Do YOU need capering armies of ossified undead sooner rather than later? If so, it’s our pleasure to introduce SKELETON-IN-A-CAN!

Each Skeleton-In-A-Can comes prepackaged with a full 206-bone skeleton, ethically sourced, humanely slaughtered, and completely deflected. You can either raise it with the necromancy you have at home, articulate it for static display, or use the SkelCo E-Z-Necro Kit (sold separately) to make the process a breeze! Each kit is fully guaranteed for unlife.*

*SkelCo defines unlike as a period of up to 30 days but not exceeding one calendar year. Consult a professional necromancer if your bones remain stiff after one year. Not certified for combat; please use SkelCo’s Grunt-In-A-Can for any situation beyond simple terror and menial tasks. Void where prohibited and on holy ground. Michigan and California residents may return expired bones for a deposit.

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This property is your classic haunted house, and comes fully equipped with the ghost of a former occupant. While we at LBF Realty regret that we cannot fully investigate every haunting, the ghost on this property is certified to be a Class I full-torso apparition or greater. No cheap poltergeists here! As a result, your property is guaranteed to experience one or more of the following per year: moans, creaks, cold spots, screams, reenactment of traumas long-past, possessions, and other Class I-III phenomena. While higher frequencies are possible, as are Class IV-V phenomena, they are not covered by our LBF guarantee.

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I don’t know what I expected, but in movies and films the skeleton is always very neat and orderly, often still hung together somehow as it hangs in dungeon shackles. The reality was much different; the bones were scattered over the area and most of them had been broken open by scavengers to extract the marrow. It was, to put things mildly, a very skeletonized skeleton, and the thought that it had once been not only a person but one I knew turned my stomach.

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“Ah man,” said Endell. “I lost my…my…the letter that comes after V.”

“Do you remember where you left it?”

“I have no idea here I left it,” Endell said. “But I need it!”

“Fine, fine. But you owe me.”

The vending machine clattered and clanked as it accepted 75¢, spitting out a perfectly acceptable, if plain and cheap, emergency letter W.

“How’s that?”

“Much better,” said Wendell.

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“Look at this discount crap. This werewolf outfit says ‘howling costume.’ Who wants to dress up as a howling costume for Halloween?”

“Halloween was a while ago, so nobody did. That’s why it’s on the discount rack.”

“It’s the principle of the thing. How’d you like to see a vampire costume on sale that was labeled as ‘suckmamn outfit?'”

“I’d probably buy it and frame it, maybe going viral in the process.”

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