August 12, 2015
Haikus settle in
Syllables counted on hands
No rhyme books this time
Count world’s syllables
Five seven five forever
What are cutting words
My haiku would look
Much more sophisticated
In woodblock kanji
This is a reverse haiku
It’s strangely harder
Seven five seven is tough
I want to get to
Metered and rhyming haiku
It just isn’t true
August 7, 2015
August 5, 2015
In order to manifest itself upon the mortal world, Iazgu the Flayer had forced the artificers of Beamcog to craft a soul-gem housing its true essence. When its schemes fell apart, and its bid to take control of Beamcog by subtlety and force failed, the soul gem was captured by the canny hero Gora.
Soul gems being what they are, Gora had a choice: she could shatter the gem and banish Iazgu to the Darkness Beneath for all eternity, or she could issue it a single, binding command. The choice had to be made in an instant, as the demon raged at her in an attempt to reclaim its lost soul.
Gora’s solution?
She opened up an inn with the proceeds of her adventures, but like all inns it had need of hard labor in turning down sheets, serving drinks, and the like. Now, people come from miles around to the inn in order to watch, and mock, the once-mighty demon that is now condemned to serve as a chambermaid for all eternity.
July 25, 2015
During the Warring States period, the Sengoku Jidai, when many heroes rose and even more heroes fell, the samurai Kasabuke Daihatsu served the noble daimyō Matsumura-Tamarubuchi. Never far from his daimyō‘s side, Kasabuke was sworn by a blood oath to never let a single drop of rain touch Matsumura-Tamarubuchi. As an umbrella-bearer, he was perhaps the most important member of the daimyō‘s retinue, and as was often the case in those days, many conspired to wet him.
Though Kasabuke would be spared the fate of the umbrella-bearer Matsuoka Akira, who was famously torn apart by wild dogs for plotting to spill tea on Oda Nobunaga, he nevertheless was unable to perform his duty. By treachery, an enemy of Matsumura-Tamarubuchi was able to divert the daimyō into the famous Ame Pass and trap him there during a rainstorm. Drawing his kumbrellatana and his smaller umbrella-to–which could not be returned to their scabbards without being wetted–Kasabuke protected his daimyō from every drop of the ferocious storm. But an enemy umbrella-bearer, sent by the shadowy daimyō Shiame, attacked at that very moment.
The contest was an epic one, the sound of bamboo on bamboo echoing from the mountainside for many hours. But in time, Kasabuke tired and the assassin was able to deflect his aim just enough that a single drop of rain touched the hem of the daimyō‘s kimono.
His honor stained, his master wet, Kasabuke was a broken man–until he swore vengeance. He would not rest until Shiame was not only wet but soaking, and his quest would resound through five hundred years of Japanese history as that of the Umbrella Samurai.
Inspired by this.
July 24, 2015
CODE #C41\14D4
CANADA ALERT
This alarm is sounded when the Canadian Prime Minister initiates Code Omega-Zed-Eh, the long-gestating Canadian plan for world domination.
A Canada Alert requires swift action to defeat the invaders. Recommended precautions include:
– Adding “kilometres” to road signs to confuse the distances between landmarks
– Brandish a private medical insurance form
– Releasing greenhouse gasses to melt the Arctic and unleash a plague of mosquitoes
– Creating roadblocks or protective circles with American beers
July 23, 2015
The stadium was full and loud as the latest indie pop rock crossover sensation, Granny and the Robots, finished playing their set.
“Thank you!” the lead singer cried. “Thank you very much!” The crowd, overwhelmingly young women, screamed and pressed forward so much that the security line buckled and a few were able to get their hands on the stage, where their idol slapped them with stinging enthusiasm.
It took three encores, but the band eventually got off the stage and into their trailer. Once the last member, the drummer, was inside, the door closed and triple-locked.
“Well, that was a hell of a performance,” said Bertha Neumeier, unhooking herself from the virtual reality control panel interface. “Think they’re any closer in figuring out the band name?”
“Negative,” said UXP-491, pulling the android control cable from its data port.
“0100111001001111,” croaked Binar-Tron, doing the same.
“WE ARE STILL 20% ORGANIC COMPONENTS WHICH IS MORE THAN THE STONES,” added W473R-WH331.
July 20, 2015
July 18, 2015
In the decades after the Fungal Wars, we often wondered why. Why the alien Fungoids had chosen to attack when they had, why we as a species had been so ruthlessly enslaved, why we seemed to have been singled out for special mistreatment.
It was only after nearly a century that we realized the race of evolved fungi had found our ideas of mushroom nudity very unsettling when they spied a toadstool in the painting by Vermeer that we had sent into the stars attached to a space probe.
July 17, 2015
NOTICE
The Deerton School District is committed to a safe and healthful environment for all of its students. We therefore must reluctantly take the following action as a result of the unfortunate events that happened last week.
As such, all garlic is hereby banned from lunches brought from home, effective immediately.
The number of students in the DSD who are vampires has been growing, and their intense allergy to garlic makes an unsafe learning environment for them. Even a student who has handled garlic and gives one of our vampire students a hug or a kiss can cause an allergic reaction, and the school nurse may not be able to get there with an epi-pen before the child melts into a puddle of slurry.
After the unfortunate incident last week, we feel that this rule is the only way to prevent another such tragedy. We at DSD know that there are many garlic lovers among our populace, but we hope that this will be seen as an unfortunate necessity.
In addition, we regret to inform our Catholic students that holy water for the purposes of baptism and ablution is also hereby banned for the same reason, and effective immediately, wood shop classes are suspended. These measures are in response to various incidents of our vampure students being staked and scarred, and are also an unfortunate necessity.
Excerpts From Nonexistent Books 