Janurary
1/20: The Presidential Inauguration is held in Russian due to circumstances blamed on “a last-minute error.”
1/22: The Prime Minister of Great Britain announces a new referendum on Scottish, Welsh, Northern Irish, and English independence, calling it “Brexinception.”
1/31: New York City announces a new minimum wage of $100,000/year.
February
2/6: Wearing Bermuda shorts and sunglasses, the new head of the United States EPA announces that winter 2017 is “canceled.” He does not elaborate.
2/26: In a glitzy Hollywood ceremony, the 89th Academy Awards bestows “Best Picture” on the film Bait. Released in a limited engagement of one Hollywood theater in December 2016, Bait is the story of a priest in 1943 Krakow struggling to come to terms with the Holocaust, his own homosexuality, and the fact that he was born a woman.
2/29: Due to a “scheduling error,” an unanticipated leap year is held. One result: people with leap year birthdays are surprised by impromptu parties. Hundreds are rushed to hospitals with cake-related injuries.
March
3/3: Activists applaud the Philiadelpha Zoo for accepting Stanly Meyowitz Jr. into its gorilla exhibit. Meyowitz is the first legally-recognized trans-species person, and announces that he is saving for a species change operation.
3/15: Vladimir Putin arrives, unannounced, at the White House. Refusing all offers of assistance, he moves into the Lincoln Bedroom and changes the locks.
3/21: Dressed in a parka and arriving to the presentation by sled dog, the head of the EPA announces that spring 2017 and winter 2017 have “switched.” He does not elaborate, but proceeds directly to Washington Dulles airport. Witnesses see him loading suitcases filled with bullion onto a waiting 747.
April
4/1: Stanely Meyowitz Jr. is found dead of gorilla-related injuries. The head zookeeper of Philadelphia insists that this is “not a joke.”
4/7: The last remaining citizen of New York City, Mayor De Blasio, turns out the lights.
4/20: The President announces, via Twitter, that Doritos suck and that shiny objects are the best. The resulting panic results in the closure of Frito-Lay and a massive 1000% surge in Reynolds Wrap shares. Riots ensue in major cities as citizens begin to hoard aluminum foil.
May
5/4: Disney announces that it is suspending production on all non-Star Wars film, television, and interactive properties. This does not apply to its Marvel movies, which a Disney spokesperson assures reporters will be “assimilated into a galaxy far, far away.”
5/19: Authorities in San Francisco announce that the Golden Gate is actually a pier in a bridge’s body. In addition to renaming it, they initiate plans for pier conversion therapy and treatments.
June
6/6: The President unveils his new initiative for health care: a lottery that will allow uninsured citizens to be hunted for sport. Successfully outsmarting a hunter will result in insurance coverage. Vladimir Putin is seen on the White House roof setting up what witnesses describe as a “sniper nest.”
July
7/4: “China Presents: The Fourth of July” premieres. Officials are noticibly uncomfortable at the Guangzhou emcee in Washington, who consistently refers to the date as “the 11th of Ding-Wei, 4715.”
7/9: Iron Man 4: The Clone Wars breaks July box office records on launch.
August
8/31: In a stunning move, the Brexinception succeeds. Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, and England vote to seperate. Not content with this, England votes to expel London, Wales accepts an invitation to join the United Arab Emirates, Scotland declares war on Scotland, and Northern Ireland declares that it will forcibly conquer the remainder of its island as “Southern Northern Ireland.”
September
9/16: The Secret Life of Jabba the Hutt breaks box office records upon release.
October
10/13: The Great American Eclipse, originally scheduled for August, occurs. It is blood red and accompanied by locusts and four men on horseback. “Don’t worry about it,” one of the men says, when pressed.
10/31: In a riveting 6-hour interview, the Zombie President, Millard Fillmore, details the coming zompocalypse. “The nourishment of your brains is palatable.”
November
11/12: Vice President Vladimir Putin reassures nervous officials that reports of gunfire in and around Washington are simply “the lies of mainstream medias.”
11/23: Chester the Turkey, scheduled to be pardoned, is instead executed with a 9mm bullet behind the ear. The remaining meat is served to the heads of every major government department with a note sources describe as “ominous.”
December
12/25: President Putin, in his first Christmas address, announces that future Christmases will be celebrated on January 7. “On plus column,” he says, “this means you get two Christmas this year.”
12/31: Disney announces its 2017 financials, indicating that the studio has made 10.7 billion dollars at the box office.
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