“The secret to looking young is quite simple, really,” Queenie said. “You must first be a pimply and pale teenager. I guarantee you that those finely tanned and toned cheerleaders of yesteryear are like old leather suitcases by now.”

“That…doesn’t make any sense.”

“Think about it, dear!” Queenie cried. “What’s in that goo you so desperately smear? Moisturizers and oils to replace that which your skin no longer produces. The sun dries you out like wash on the line and leeches those precious oils and moisture away, leaving you to sag like a post-Viagra codpiece. By being pale and burning easily, you have no incentive to sun-worship, which leads those teen idols to burn off their beauty and youth so early. Pimples are an expression of excess skin oils and moisture; with a deeper reservoir from which to draw, what losses there are aren’t crippling. You pay for it in high school, dear, but in twenty years’ time you’ll have youth aplenty while those you once envied are crocodile suitcases. It worked for me.”