First place contestants will receive free will call front row seat tickets to one of this weekend’s events being held at Southern Michigan University’s James Newell Osterberg, Jr. Center for the Performing Arts. On Saturday, the Hopewell Philharmonic will present its annual “Atonal Days” concert, with a program of aleatoric music, musique concrète, and an innovative sonic feedback loop performance of John Cage’s 4’33”; earplugs will be sold at the door. On Sunday, the nation’s largest left-leaning publicly funded broadcaster, National Socialist Radio, will bring its acclaimed “Haughty Revue” program to SMU: a full hour of highly educated people drunk on their own sense of self-worth will follow.

Second place contestants will receive a $100 gift certificate to the Rocky Mountain Oyster Factory. Whether you like them braised or barbecued, sauteed or steamed, Rocky Mountain Oyster Factory will fix you a heaping plate of your favorites. Don’t forget a side lamb fries and a fresh-sqeezed glass of bull juice!

Third place contestants will receive a $25 gift card to Stubb’s Coffee, good at all locations in town except the one in the SMU student union (which, despite Stubb’s staffers, branding, and coffee products is not a “real” Stubb’s).

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