EvilCo Annual Employee Evaluation Form

Employee Name: Chris [redacted]
Job Title: Henchman 1
Reviewer: Lord Deathness, Vice-President for Henchmen and Lackeys

General Quality of Work:

Chris [redacted] has performed poorly during the survey period and has not met the standards expected of an EvilCo employee in the Henchman 1 position.

Dependability:

Mr. [redacted] has proven to be extremely unreliable. His unit of henchmen were ordered to lay down their lives to delay the Alpha Squad on no less than four separate occasions, and Chris [redacted] has always managed to return alive rather than being born gloriously anew in the EvilCo cloning tanks.

Job Knowledge:
While Chris [redacted] possesses the necessary proficiency in laser weaponry to fire madly at the dastardly Alpha Squad, he refuses to obey the marksmanship principles outlined in the handbook and actually fires his weapon aimed from the shoulder rather than the hip. I have also caught him attempting to blow up Alpha Squad jets in such a way that the pilot cannot parachute to safety, an unforgivable lapse in judgement.

Communication Skills:

Chris [redacted] is unconscionable in questioning the directives of his EvilCo betters. He routinely asserts that our Grand Leader’s plans for global domination are too convoluted to succeed, and is unusually concerned with our revenue stream and how we can afford to throw vast sums of men and treasure at the Grand Leader’s most flamboyant whims.

Achievement of Goals:

None of the goals set out for Chris [redacted] have been met this year. He has consistently failed to obey without question, lay down his life, and play by the long-established rules governing the conflict between EvilCo and Alpha Squad. I’ve even caught him making plans for new and “more successful” evil plots using nuclear, biological, and chemical weapons (or the threat thereof).

Overall:
I am forced to recommend that Chris [redacted] be removed from his Henchman 1 position as soon as is feasible. In accordance with EvilCo’s severance package, he will be given three months’ salary and his brain will be implanted in a Mecha-Horror.

  • Like what you see? Purchase a print or ebook version!
Advertisements